Chapter 7: Facades and Phone Calls
Sophia entered the cafeteria Tuesday. Lunchtime buzzed around her. She saw Adam first. That free moment allowed her to observe without self consciousness. His thick unkempt hair, a little too long in the front, hung down past his right eye. His skull earring glinted sporadically from his left earlobe. A thin line of a chain hung around his neck and under his shirt. Today it was a U2 T-shirt – all black with a small U2 insignia in the upper right corner peeking out from behind his Yankees jacket. The skull with crossbones buckle held the waist of his baggy jeans too low. His Vans dragged along the ground with each step, the heels scuffing the bottoms of his pants which were tattered and stringy.
Sophia knew better than to trust his outer display. She felt she knew him better after her musical experience last night. No matter how she tried she could not got back to her first impressions of him (some goth loser). His clothes, his look, were just a look, just a façade. Yes. Some things he displayed were a weak attempt at showing who he was, like the “Momma’s boy” pin on his backpack, but there was more. Opinions and experiences which were rarely outwardly expressed, were inwardly crucial to his being.
She suspected his vulnerability, and his broken heart which he carefully insulated against any further hurt. Sophia’s compassionate heart wanted to help him. But who am I to help him? she wondered.
I’m no better than he, she thought, looking down at her own personal façade. Her good comfortable tennis shoes on her feet, her JCPenney brand jeans, and her blue layered long sleeved tees said something about her. Did it say that she preferred comfort over fashion? Or was it more than that? She wondered what Adam saw in her appearance. Did she really look like a ‘goody goody’ to him. She hoped he wasn’t that superficial. What made people think she was a ‘goody goody’ besides her appearance? It had to be her words and actions. She chose to act and speak differently than other students. She tried to blend in, but from her perspective it was hard to tell how much she stood out. Was it the fact that she stood out that made Adam take notice? Or was it just ‘her eyes’ that attracted him? Maybe he didn’t know why he was drawn to her. Guys weren’t that objective were they?
She found herself with a tray of food sitting smashed between Bonnie and Audrey, both saxophone players. She didn’t realize she was still staring at Adam until he met her gaze across the expanse. Self-consciousness washed over her, and she looked down quickly. She couldn’t explain her shyness around Adam. It wasn’t like Adam knew her inner secrets. Maybe shy that now he knew she knew more about him. Now she would be expected to respond. It was her turn to express, share, to pull away her façade.
Sophia could feel Adam’s gaze on her as she picked at her food. She dared a look up and he was ten feet closer, and coming towards her. She quickly glanced to both sides of her wondering about Bonnie’s and Audrey’s thoughts as they watched him sit down next to Lucy, fellow flutist, who sat directly across from Sophia.
“Hey!” Adam said with his dimpled smile.
“Hey!” Sophia suddenly felt tense, and unable to express herself adequately to Adam with all her friends around. She could tell Adam sensed the tension as she watched him silently pick up his drink, put it to his lips, swallow, set the bottle carefully down, eye each girl surrounding Sophia and bite his bottom lip.
“So how’s the food?” Adam asked quickly twisting the cap on his Gatorade.
“It’s fine,” Sophia managed.
Adam took another swallow and set the bottle down. He looked at her waiting for more.
“How’s the Gatorade?” Sophia asked.
Adam held up the bottle to examine its contents. He looked at her and stated deadpan, “It’s red.” Then, a small grin slowly twisted up one side of his mouth. His grin was contagious. Sophia couldn’t keep her straight face much longer and her smile began to spread.
Lucy looked back and forth at the two of them who appeared to be in on some joke and asked, “What’s so funny?”
Sophia tried to straighten her face. “Oh nothing. It’s nothing really.” Sophia forced the focus away from herself. “So Lucy, what’s new with you these days?” Sorry Adam, she thought, it’s going to have to wait.
Sophia kept the conversation to band practice. Bonnie picked up on that topic easily adding her opinion of whose antics were the most entertaining during band practice that morning discussing who acted funny, and who acted just plain dumb. Adam patiently listened while he sipped his red Gatorade.
The lunch bell rang and Sophia stood up quickly with Adam following her lead. In moments they had both made their way into the crowded hallway. They sighed simultaneously.
“Sorry,” Sophia said.
“That’s ok,” Adam said. “Lunch is sometimes not the best…” He ran his fingers through his stubborn hair.
“I know what you mean,” Sophia commiserated. Their eyes met uncomfortably for a moment before they both faced forward into the menagerie of students who pushed and jostled this way and that.
Adam looked at Sophia again, searching her eyes. “I was wondering if I could talk to you somewhere else.” Sophia looked at him, unsure. He was being so vague…and nervous! That just wasn’t like him.
Adam continued, “I…I mean I was wondering if I could talk to you, like, on the phone, for example.”
Sophia had a feeling that was coming. “Um, let me just get to my locker,” she replied. Whatever that meant. Like her locker would give her the answer to his question. Sophia took her turn with being vague.
Adam followed her towards her locker, which at this moment she unfortunately shared with Bonnie who was unfortunately there already. How could that be? Sophia tried to blink Bonnie away. Didn’t Sophia leave before Bonnie? Somehow time always got warped when she was with Adam. Bonnie did not blink away into oblivion. Sophia had to come up with a plan B. Think think think! What harm would it do? Would he really call her? What would she say? Just give it to him. But what if what if what if…? Sophia’s brain trembled.
Adam stopped walking, and Sophia followed suit. “If you don’t want me to call,” Adam said, “I understand. You don’t know me that well, it’s ok. I’ll see you around.” Adam turned to head down an adjacent hallway.
“Oh no! Wait!” Sophia reached out her hand and grabbed his arm. Adam turned back surprised. Sophia nervously talked with her hands, “I don’t mean to put you off. I guess I…you just took me off guard, that’s all… of course you can call me.”
Adam’s face softened into a smile. “Great!” He quickly slung his backpack off his shoulders unzipped it and pulled out a notebook with a pencil jabbed into the spiral binding.
“It’s 277-5938,” Sophia said watching Adam scratch the numbers down.
Sophia felt a pat on the back, and she nearly jumped out of her skin. “I’ll see you in chemistry,” said Bonnie.
“Yeah, see you.” Sophia sighed dreading the personal quiz Bonnie would be giving her in chemistry.
Surprisingly, Bonnie didn't say a word to Sophia about Adam in chemistry. She was actually strangely quiet. Usually they exchanged whispered comments, or facial expressions throughout class. It was the only class, Sophia would get reprimanded by the teacher, for talking in class. She just couldn't help it. Her best friend was finally in a class with her this year. It was amazing how that affected her attitude about a class. She actually enjoyed chemistry, and held a low A in the class.
But today, she wasn't able to make eye contact with her. Bonnie was absently scribbling on her notebook. Sophia squinted. Was that a heart she was drawing, with letters inside it? No way! Bonnie sensed Sophia's gaze and finally looked up. She slapped a hand over her scribbling. Sophia looked away and pretended not to notice, but saw from the corner of her eye, Bonnie sliding her pen under her hand and scribbling over the top of the heart.
The television volume was up a little too much. Lilly and Grant sprawled on the floor watching after school tv. Sophia sat on the couch with her trigonometry book open, mechanical pencil in hand, and her eyes on the screen. She only wanted too much to be distracted from her math. Some days she enjoyed it, and some days it felt pointless to her. Right now, she needed as much distraction as possible. She wondered if and when Adam might call. She had much on her mind that needed to be said to Adam, but how? A door slamming flipped Sophia's attention to the kitchen area. Sophia's Dad arrived home and entered the kitchen where Annie was discussing with her mom details of the Halloween party.
"How many people have you invited to this party you are having here, Annie?" Sophia's Mom asked concerned, as she unloaded groceries.
"Just a few close friends, that's all," Annie shrugged.
"More like a few dozen close friends," Sophia interjected over the the noisy tv. Annie squinted back at her. Sophia raised her eyebrows warningly.
"They probably won't all come" Annie added reasuringly,"and since it's Halloween night, they'll be staggered, you know, coming and going. Don't worry Mom." Annie spoke with her hands. Sophia smiled, Annie always did that when she was trying to be convincing.
"But asking for more money for refreshments, is out of the question, unless you don't mind going without dinner for a week." Sophia's mom held up a jar of spaghetti sauce for added effect.
"Ok ok. We'll just have to get our friends to bring food," Annie said flattening her hands on the kitchen counter.
"Good idea," replied her mom.
"And remember", Sophia's Dad added, "house rules are still in force when your friends are here. Bad language will send your friends straight home. No shoes on the carpet. And party ends at 11."
"But dad!"
"I have given you a lot of leeway with this party," informed her dad. "I'm not trying to make your life miserable, I just want you and your friends to be safe. Several of your friends' parents have already called to be sure their kids will be safe with us here. So far we're well trusted and I'd like to keep it that way, don't you?"
Annie nodded. Her mind was already onto other things. Sophia knew her sister all too well. She was a punctual organized socialite. And if she couldn't pay for all the necessary junk food for the party she would get on the phone this minute and call all her friends to bring food. Annie walked straight to the drawer with the phone books and pulled out several, grabbed the phone and headed to her room.
"Oh great," mumbled Sophia. Who knew how long she would be on the phone, and would she pick up on the call waiting, or ignore it? Probably ignore it, her business was all too important. Ugh, why did her parents have to be in the dark ages about communicating? They only had one phone line at home, and only her dad had a cell phone, a work cell phone. But fortunately they had high speed internet. Unfortunately, the computer was usually occupied by Lucas or her dad, that she could hardly get one email sent. At this moment the computer was vacant. Here was her chance. But, it wasn't like she had Adam's email address anyway. Sophia would just have to bide her time.
On second thought, maybe it was better this way, that she couldn't talk to Adam now anyway. It would be best to get her homework done and out of the way, before awaiting Adam's call. Sophia decided to try to really focus on her math. Maybe it would make the time go by quicker. She picked up her stuff and headed to her room. She noticed Lucas' door was shut, and she knew he was in there diligently doing his homework. Maybe she should follow his example more often, Sophia thought.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Chapter 6 Music Education Part 2
Chapter 6 Music Education Part 2
All weekend, whenever Sophia thought of the Halloween party, she thought of Adam. She thought of the Halloween party often because Annie kept talking about it while putting together a dance-song list on her computer, and demanded that Sophia help with making decorations, and trying to decide what to costume to wear, the cute cheerleader, or the 70’s rock star. And when she thought of Adam, her stomach pinched. It’s just a party, she told herself. Why am I so worried about Adam being there anyway? So everytime her stomach pinched, she’d breath in deeply, and while exhaling, repeat the words ‘Party’s are fun. Party’s are fun.’”
Everyday of the next school week, Adam found Sophia at lunch and sat with her. Sophia didn’t’ really think it was the other way around. He definitely liked her enough to sit with her everyday. But she hadn’t thought much about her own feelings…yet. Sometimes they just talked about random stuff, other times it was more serious, or even funny. But one thing that punctuated each meeting was the discussion of music and politics. Sophia had never thought the two ever really meshed until she was first introduced to Adam’s music. Monday, when he sat down across from her the first thing he did was hand her an envelope with a shiny disc inside labeled: Sophia’s Rock Ed. 1. She would’ve preferred to re-label it ‘Adam’s Music’; she would never own up to having any kind of association with his so-called music. She took it from Adam like it was mud, not sure if she would ever dare listen to it. Adam changed her mind when he confessed that he spent four hours Sunday night burning the disc for her.
You didn’t have to do that, Sophia refuted.
It was no big deal, I was already listening to the music, I thought, heck I’ll just burn a disc while I’m at it.” Sophia knew it was more than that. “You better listen to it. I’ll be quizzing you on lyrics tomorrow,” Adam teased.
“Oh, thanks. One more assignment,” Sophia teased back.
“It won’t feel like homework, I promise.”
That night after dinner with her chaotic family, after homework, and one hour of trumpet practice, Sophia knew she couldn’t put it off any longer. Sophia pulled the disc from the envelope and thoughtfully snapped it into her walkman. She put on her headphones and turned down the volume in anticipation. Her heart beat a little faster, thinking that all while Adam recorded these songs, he was probably thinking of her. She turned the envelope over and read Adam’s handwritten playlist:
Kashmir - Led Zeppelin
Highway to Heaven - Led Zeppelin
U2 – I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For
Bulls on Parade – R.A.M.
Settle For Nothing – R.A.M.
Down On the Street – R.A.M.
Be Yourself - Audioslave
The Led Zeppelin songs were surprisingly good. Sophie could tell this band had talent. Kashmir had an orchestra playing in the background and she could see how Adam would recommend this song for her band to play. All the instruments pulsed in unison to the beat of the song.
Highway to Heaven held a melancholy feel, but she still liked it. It pulled at her emotions. The next three were R.A.M. She didn’t enjoy them much, though she thought it interesting that their style was a mix of rap with metal. It held nothing for her. She wondered why Adam liked Rage. She tried harder to listen to the lyrics, and as she did, she gained some insight into the workings of Adam’s thoughts. Bulls on Parade was the most political song about an unnamed government using terrorism to gain military power. That was a little scary. She would have to ask Adam more about that one. But the next one troubled her. And as she listened she could almost visualize Adam yelling out those lyrics. The artist yelled about pain in his home, of hatred being passed down from one generation to the next. He spoke of never knowing his father, and how he tried to hold onto his family but he slipped away from them with no one to catch his fall. Something about Adam came disturbingly into focus. She wondered how much of that song could be true about Adam’s life. The next song began, breaking up Sophia’s thoughts.
The fast energy driven beat began and the guy rapped about being lost in love with a supposed beauty who many people craved to look at. He was lost in love with a girl he didn’t know but admired from a distance. Sophia wondered skeptically how you could be in love with a girl you don’t even know. You’d only be in love with her looks. A curiousity nudged her. No way! But maybe, just maybe Adam felt that way about Sophia. But the song wasn’t accurate. It’s not like tons of guys were admiring her from afar. Well, at least not from her perspective. But maybe, just maybe from Adam’s perspective, it was nearly impossible for him to vie for her attention.
She placed her hands on her cheeks and realized she was slightly flushed. She laughed in disbelief. She actually felt flattered about such a possibility…and slightly embarrassed about feeling flattered.
On to the next song, she murmured.
Something softer, more melodious began on cue. A man with a deep edgy, soul searching voice, sang about life’s challenges, particularly in the love category. During the chorus he provided his solution to deal with those challenges. Repeated several times came the phrase, be yourself, just be yourself. Sophia nodded her head in agreement. She tried to stay true ot herself as much as possible. But was that really what Adam felt? Did he feel he was being himself by adhereing to a particular look? Did he think he could win love, maybe her love, by being himself? Oh, well, there would be other times to figure that out.
Sophia threw off the headphones and tossed the songlist Frisbee style across the space between her bed and desk. It landed onto her desk, and she took a deep breath. She realized she was overanalyzing the songs Adam chose. That wasn’t being very fair to Adam. But at the same time, these songs had to have some sort of meaning for him, or else why did he like them and make the extra effort to burn them onto a disc for her? She felt a knot forming in her chest. A truer picture of Adam was coming together for her, like the pieces of a puzzle completing the view.
If Adam was truly suffering, and searching for some answers, she knew she could give him those answers. Her compassion urged her to provide life’s answers to Adam, if he would accept. The only problem was she didn’t know exactly how to go about doing that. She was trying to get to know him better, to try to expose him to her ‘good’ Mormon friends. Inviting him to the party was a start, but it was just a start. She realized that she would have to gain his trust too. She wanted him to know that she was hanging out with him because she wanted to be his friend not just be his missionary.
Another question bothered her. Was Adam consciously looking to her for answers, or was there more? All the signs seemed to lead to one conclusion, that she would have to realize soon. Adam liked her. But she didn’t want to let on to him that she knew it. Then she would have to decide how she felt about him. She just wasn’t ready for that. She was still heartbroken over Jared. Every night at 9 she’d think of Jared, because that was when he would call, like clockwork. It was an old habit she hadn’t broken yet.
Sophia yawned and looked at the clock. “11:15” glowed bright red. Sophia sat up, pulled the elastic from her ponytail, and shook her brown hair out. She shot the elastic across the room onto the desk bumping into the songlist. She squinted reading the words on the card one last time before climbing into bed. She didn’t recognize the titles and walked over to pick it up. She realized there were five more songs listed on the back of the card; quite different from the previous songs…fortunately.
She was pleasantly surprised that the last five were classical. So he does have some refined taste, she thought. She put her headphones back on and lay comfortably on her bed to relax with Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata, Bach’s Jesu Joy of Man’s Desiring and Ave Maria, Debussy’s Claire de Lune, and Tchaikovsky’s None But the Lonely Heart. All love songs, she concluded with a smile as she drifted off to sleep.
Sophia sat next to Adam at a picnic table. But they weren’t at school, they were at the stadium near the concessions. No one was around, the game had ended, everyone had gone home. It was very dark outside, except for an emergency light which shone down eerily over the two of them. Adam looked at her. He opened his mouth. Words spilled out exposing his painful childhood, but she couldn’t hear what he was telling her. What did you say? she asked. It doesn’t matter. What matters is I need you. A tear fell from one of his black eyes. She felt so sorry for him. She took his hand. He leaned closer to her. She closed her eyes and waited for him to kiss her….
“Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.” The sound didn’t make sense to her at first. She cuoldn’t find where the sound was coming from. It annoyed her that she couldn’t open her eyes to look for it. Layer upon layer of consciousness unfolded and Sophia finally opened her eyes. She lifted her head off the pillow and threw her hand down on the snooze button. She dropped her head back down on the pillow, and noticed the dampness. She unstuck her pajamas from her sweaty body. She pulled up her hair which clung moistly to her neck.
Relief washed over her. The dream had felt so real. She truly felt sorry for him. But the unsettling part was her undoubting acceptance of Adam and her willingness to kiss him. How could she just let him kiss her? It was like other dreams she had where she was smoking a cigarette or drinking some beer, or walking in public in her underwear and there was nothing wrong with it. She had never done any of these things in her life and never planned on it. Dreams could be so odd. You could do all sorts of things without feeling ashamed or guilty. That is until you woke up. She actually felt guilty about letting him kiss her out of pity for him rather than waiting to explore her own feelings for him first, even though it never really happened. But it could, she decided.
All weekend, whenever Sophia thought of the Halloween party, she thought of Adam. She thought of the Halloween party often because Annie kept talking about it while putting together a dance-song list on her computer, and demanded that Sophia help with making decorations, and trying to decide what to costume to wear, the cute cheerleader, or the 70’s rock star. And when she thought of Adam, her stomach pinched. It’s just a party, she told herself. Why am I so worried about Adam being there anyway? So everytime her stomach pinched, she’d breath in deeply, and while exhaling, repeat the words ‘Party’s are fun. Party’s are fun.’”
Everyday of the next school week, Adam found Sophia at lunch and sat with her. Sophia didn’t’ really think it was the other way around. He definitely liked her enough to sit with her everyday. But she hadn’t thought much about her own feelings…yet. Sometimes they just talked about random stuff, other times it was more serious, or even funny. But one thing that punctuated each meeting was the discussion of music and politics. Sophia had never thought the two ever really meshed until she was first introduced to Adam’s music. Monday, when he sat down across from her the first thing he did was hand her an envelope with a shiny disc inside labeled: Sophia’s Rock Ed. 1. She would’ve preferred to re-label it ‘Adam’s Music’; she would never own up to having any kind of association with his so-called music. She took it from Adam like it was mud, not sure if she would ever dare listen to it. Adam changed her mind when he confessed that he spent four hours Sunday night burning the disc for her.
You didn’t have to do that, Sophia refuted.
It was no big deal, I was already listening to the music, I thought, heck I’ll just burn a disc while I’m at it.” Sophia knew it was more than that. “You better listen to it. I’ll be quizzing you on lyrics tomorrow,” Adam teased.
“Oh, thanks. One more assignment,” Sophia teased back.
“It won’t feel like homework, I promise.”
That night after dinner with her chaotic family, after homework, and one hour of trumpet practice, Sophia knew she couldn’t put it off any longer. Sophia pulled the disc from the envelope and thoughtfully snapped it into her walkman. She put on her headphones and turned down the volume in anticipation. Her heart beat a little faster, thinking that all while Adam recorded these songs, he was probably thinking of her. She turned the envelope over and read Adam’s handwritten playlist:
Kashmir - Led Zeppelin
Highway to Heaven - Led Zeppelin
U2 – I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For
Bulls on Parade – R.A.M.
Settle For Nothing – R.A.M.
Down On the Street – R.A.M.
Be Yourself - Audioslave
The Led Zeppelin songs were surprisingly good. Sophie could tell this band had talent. Kashmir had an orchestra playing in the background and she could see how Adam would recommend this song for her band to play. All the instruments pulsed in unison to the beat of the song.
Highway to Heaven held a melancholy feel, but she still liked it. It pulled at her emotions. The next three were R.A.M. She didn’t enjoy them much, though she thought it interesting that their style was a mix of rap with metal. It held nothing for her. She wondered why Adam liked Rage. She tried harder to listen to the lyrics, and as she did, she gained some insight into the workings of Adam’s thoughts. Bulls on Parade was the most political song about an unnamed government using terrorism to gain military power. That was a little scary. She would have to ask Adam more about that one. But the next one troubled her. And as she listened she could almost visualize Adam yelling out those lyrics. The artist yelled about pain in his home, of hatred being passed down from one generation to the next. He spoke of never knowing his father, and how he tried to hold onto his family but he slipped away from them with no one to catch his fall. Something about Adam came disturbingly into focus. She wondered how much of that song could be true about Adam’s life. The next song began, breaking up Sophia’s thoughts.
The fast energy driven beat began and the guy rapped about being lost in love with a supposed beauty who many people craved to look at. He was lost in love with a girl he didn’t know but admired from a distance. Sophia wondered skeptically how you could be in love with a girl you don’t even know. You’d only be in love with her looks. A curiousity nudged her. No way! But maybe, just maybe Adam felt that way about Sophia. But the song wasn’t accurate. It’s not like tons of guys were admiring her from afar. Well, at least not from her perspective. But maybe, just maybe from Adam’s perspective, it was nearly impossible for him to vie for her attention.
She placed her hands on her cheeks and realized she was slightly flushed. She laughed in disbelief. She actually felt flattered about such a possibility…and slightly embarrassed about feeling flattered.
On to the next song, she murmured.
Something softer, more melodious began on cue. A man with a deep edgy, soul searching voice, sang about life’s challenges, particularly in the love category. During the chorus he provided his solution to deal with those challenges. Repeated several times came the phrase, be yourself, just be yourself. Sophia nodded her head in agreement. She tried to stay true ot herself as much as possible. But was that really what Adam felt? Did he feel he was being himself by adhereing to a particular look? Did he think he could win love, maybe her love, by being himself? Oh, well, there would be other times to figure that out.
Sophia threw off the headphones and tossed the songlist Frisbee style across the space between her bed and desk. It landed onto her desk, and she took a deep breath. She realized she was overanalyzing the songs Adam chose. That wasn’t being very fair to Adam. But at the same time, these songs had to have some sort of meaning for him, or else why did he like them and make the extra effort to burn them onto a disc for her? She felt a knot forming in her chest. A truer picture of Adam was coming together for her, like the pieces of a puzzle completing the view.
If Adam was truly suffering, and searching for some answers, she knew she could give him those answers. Her compassion urged her to provide life’s answers to Adam, if he would accept. The only problem was she didn’t know exactly how to go about doing that. She was trying to get to know him better, to try to expose him to her ‘good’ Mormon friends. Inviting him to the party was a start, but it was just a start. She realized that she would have to gain his trust too. She wanted him to know that she was hanging out with him because she wanted to be his friend not just be his missionary.
Another question bothered her. Was Adam consciously looking to her for answers, or was there more? All the signs seemed to lead to one conclusion, that she would have to realize soon. Adam liked her. But she didn’t want to let on to him that she knew it. Then she would have to decide how she felt about him. She just wasn’t ready for that. She was still heartbroken over Jared. Every night at 9 she’d think of Jared, because that was when he would call, like clockwork. It was an old habit she hadn’t broken yet.
Sophia yawned and looked at the clock. “11:15” glowed bright red. Sophia sat up, pulled the elastic from her ponytail, and shook her brown hair out. She shot the elastic across the room onto the desk bumping into the songlist. She squinted reading the words on the card one last time before climbing into bed. She didn’t recognize the titles and walked over to pick it up. She realized there were five more songs listed on the back of the card; quite different from the previous songs…fortunately.
She was pleasantly surprised that the last five were classical. So he does have some refined taste, she thought. She put her headphones back on and lay comfortably on her bed to relax with Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata, Bach’s Jesu Joy of Man’s Desiring and Ave Maria, Debussy’s Claire de Lune, and Tchaikovsky’s None But the Lonely Heart. All love songs, she concluded with a smile as she drifted off to sleep.
Sophia sat next to Adam at a picnic table. But they weren’t at school, they were at the stadium near the concessions. No one was around, the game had ended, everyone had gone home. It was very dark outside, except for an emergency light which shone down eerily over the two of them. Adam looked at her. He opened his mouth. Words spilled out exposing his painful childhood, but she couldn’t hear what he was telling her. What did you say? she asked. It doesn’t matter. What matters is I need you. A tear fell from one of his black eyes. She felt so sorry for him. She took his hand. He leaned closer to her. She closed her eyes and waited for him to kiss her….
“Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.” The sound didn’t make sense to her at first. She cuoldn’t find where the sound was coming from. It annoyed her that she couldn’t open her eyes to look for it. Layer upon layer of consciousness unfolded and Sophia finally opened her eyes. She lifted her head off the pillow and threw her hand down on the snooze button. She dropped her head back down on the pillow, and noticed the dampness. She unstuck her pajamas from her sweaty body. She pulled up her hair which clung moistly to her neck.
Relief washed over her. The dream had felt so real. She truly felt sorry for him. But the unsettling part was her undoubting acceptance of Adam and her willingness to kiss him. How could she just let him kiss her? It was like other dreams she had where she was smoking a cigarette or drinking some beer, or walking in public in her underwear and there was nothing wrong with it. She had never done any of these things in her life and never planned on it. Dreams could be so odd. You could do all sorts of things without feeling ashamed or guilty. That is until you woke up. She actually felt guilty about letting him kiss her out of pity for him rather than waiting to explore her own feelings for him first, even though it never really happened. But it could, she decided.
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