Chapter 5 Music Education Part 1
The brass musical energy, mallets reverberating on base drums, and snares staccato echoing rose over the field to meet head on the cheers emitting from the stadium. One hundred uniform bodies moved in synch to create swirls and transforming pictures across the field. Twirling black red and white striped flags painted moving color at points in space like colorful twinkling stars. Two figures emerged from the formations gathering the crowd’s attention as they marched toward the stands. The pair stopped beside the drum major, whose hands rigidly punched out the beat. The figures flashed their shining trumpets in unison. A fast paced duo began at a high note and then gradually descended in a jazzlike rhythm, ending on two harmonizing high notes and cutting off with a squeal. Goose bumps rose on Sophia’s arms and neck as she turned an about face alongside Ian as they blended back into the formation. Screams erupted forth in competition with the music. Sophia’s heart pounded with excitement to the beat of the base drums. This is what it was all about.
After their halftime show, all the band members bounced around like Mexican jumping beans, still giddy and hyper. As the band seated themselves back in the cold bleachers, Mr. Maxwell bragged to the group about their performance. He was proud of the fact that most of the crowd stayed in the bleachers to watch the halftime show. In his eyes, that was an accomplishment.
“You all did a great job tonight,” Mr. Maxwell praised through his megaphone. “Did you see how full the stands were tonight?”
Someone from the band yelled, “Yeah! We rock!” The rest of the band responded with hoots, whistles, and clapping.
“You’re free to go. Be back in your seats in fifteen minutes for 3rd quarter,” Mr. Maxwell finished. It was a chilly night and many wore orange band jackets over their uniforms. The bulkiness of the jackets over the uniforms reminded Sophia of orange beetles, very talented but ugly beetles. She chuckled. Something about the chill crisp air, breathed energy into Sophia reddening her cheeks and brightening her eyes.
It reminded her of about a year ago in this stadium, probably in this exact location she guessed, when she first talked to Jared. . . He had been sitting behind her, and accidentally bumped her with the bell of his tuba while trying to pick up his sheet music.
Jiminy crickets! Are you ok? He asked, full of concern in his voice.
Um, yeah, I’m fine. Sophia rubbed her head.
It’s Sophia, right?
Yeah, and you’re Jared.
I can run and get you some ice.
Oh no thanks
I’m a clumsy oaf, two left feet and two right hands.
Sophia smiled thinking of that incident was quite common of Jared, now she knew him better. A little dorky, but sweet and thoughtful. She admired his ability to laugh at his own awkwardness. To be able to laugh at oneself was a great life survival skill. One, Sophia hadn’t quite mastered. A dull ache began to grow in her chest. She couldn’t deny that she still missed him.
Sophia shook her head, shaking the thought away. Bonnie and Annie, climbed the steps up to Sophia. “Do you have any cash Sophia, I wanna get nachos,” Annie asked.
"I only have a five," Sophia replied digging into the pocket of her orange beetle jacket.
"Will you share them with me?
"Ok, but we gotta hurry."
" I gotta go to the bathroom so bad," Bonnie exclaimed. "I’ve been waiting this whole game. Will you come with me Sophia?"
The three girls hurried off towards the concessions.
Sophia sat on the end of her bench with five minutes to spare before third quarter. She noticed a familiar face from the top of the stands and looking right at her with his deep set eyes. He wore a sports jacket and saggy jeans with the trademark chain drooping from one pocket. His black hair rustled in the slight breeze. Something about the stadium lights’ reflection on his face with the starry black night as his backdrop seemed fitting. Under the obvious face lay the mystery which by night awoke, like the stars opening their winking eyes as the sun begins to slumber. She felt like a different person here at the game than back at school. She felt a certain dead conformity within those cinder block walls. But, here, out in the open, she felt the electricity, the energy from the hundreds of people in the stands, all connected, all focused on the same goal: winning…or maybe just having fun.
She couldn’t help but smile up at him despite their recent awkward conversation. Maybe she could blame the school for making her feel tense all the time. But she was not at school now, and she was relaxed, she was fun and giddy and spontaneous. She scooted to her right and patted the vacated space of bench.
Adam raised his eyebrows slightly, a smile still on his face.
“Yeah, I know. It’s against the rules,” she said, “but, there’s a few minutes still till second half.”
Thanks.” Adam sat down close to her. The scent of his aftershave wafted on the cool air. She couldn’t help but stare at him for a moment longer. The stadium lights illuminated the left side of his face, while casting a dark shadow over his right side, emphasizing the smile-induced dimple in his cheek.
"Hey you were awesome out there!" He raised his hand to give her a high five. She raised her gloved hand as he hit it with a muffled slap.
"So, do you come to football games often?"
"No, but I came to see for myself what all the talk was about."
"It’s all talk if you ask me. Our team isn’t that great, but I think it’s still fun."
"No. I meant you."
"Me?"
“The energy, the emotion, from that um…that double trumpet…"
"The duo?"
"Yeah! It’s like a totally different side of you I haven’t met. It was way cool.” True, it was a productive channel to all her pent up frustration. Among all the other things in her life, this one she could truly say she was confident at. The rest fell by the wayside; the awkward self-defeating, shy procrastinator could easily hide behind that shiny trumpet and transform her into a confident, talented performer.
"It’s fun. .. but only if you play well.” Sophia said trying to play down his compliments. “If we all played really badly, that would’ve sucked. The bleachers would’ve been empty. I’m trying to break away from the nerdy dorky band player stigma.” Sophia laughed at herself.
“How do you do it?”
“Lot’s of practice.”
"You guys are what is exciting about this game. The rest of us would be bored out of our skulls without you."
"Thanks. I’m glad you agree with me!"
"No problem. I only have one piece of advice that would make it better," said Adam.
"What?"
"You would totally rock if you all played 'Kashmir' by Led Zepplin, his eyes twinkling.
Sophia stared blankly at him. “Kashmir?”
"What? You’ve never heard it?” Adam asked in dismay.
“Sorry”
“What about Highway to Heaven?”
"That one sounds familiar."
“Good, you‘ve heard good music at least once.”
“Hey!” Sophia mock punched Adam in the arm.
“Just kidding.” Adam smiled rocking back.
“What is good music to you anyway, AC/DC?”
"No, my required listening is from Rage Against the Machine, Pink Floyd, Guns and Roses, and of course Led Zepplin, just to name a few. It’s all on my MP3 player.”
“That’s nice,” Sophia stated flatly.
“What? You don’t like my taste in music?”
“I don’t know, just never listened to those groups.”
“You probably have on the radio, just never knew their names.”
“Probably.”
“It sounds like you need to be educated in rock n’ roll. What better person to teach you than me?” Adam asked.
“I don’t really need to be educated, thank you,” Sophia replied. Adam acted as if he didn’t hear her, and reached down into his jacket pocket to pull out an MP3 player.
“It’ll be just a minute and I’ll put a playlist together for you.” As Adam fiddled with the buttons, Ian, fellow trumpeter, nudged Sophia from the other side.
“Who’s the dude?”
“Adam Goodwin.”
Ian nodded his head and mouthed, “your boyfriend.”
“No!” Sophia whispered loudly.
“Uh huh, uh huh. Yep. You say lies.”
“Like you have room to talk. I saw you holding hands with that red-head girl, what’s her name, Ronda?”
How…?
I do have eyes you know.
Ian shook his head for a moment.“Ok, you win. Girls always win,” Ian said throwing up his hands in defeat.
“It’s because we’re right,” Sophia smirked.
“Because boys let them be right, or they get the boot,” said Ian.
“So Ronda is always right huh?” Sophia teased.
“None of your business.”
“As is Adam,” Sophia refuted.
“Ok, truce.” Ian held out his hand.
“Agreed.” Sophia took his hand and shook it.
Mr. Maxwell spoke through the megaphone. “We Will Rock You! In one minute.” Sophia turned her head to look at Adam who looked up at her knowingly.
I suppose this is where I exit. He stood dramatically with a flourish of his arm.
“I still want to hear those songs. Really.”
“Can I see you after the game?” Adam asked.
“Well, we are usually some of the last to leave, if you’re willing to stick around.”
“I want to at least play Kashmir for you.”
“Sounds good.”
“Ready in one, two, three, four.” Mr. Maxwell spoke holding the megaphone to his face with one hand and waving around the baton with the other. Sophia lifted her trumpet to her lips in habit and played with the band as she watched Adam slide out of view up the stands.
More and more people were starting to take notice of Adam with Sophia. The gossip in the band family could get pretty bad. She sensed the whole trumpet section eyeing the back of her head and had noticed her sister Annie and Bonnie glance up suspiciously at her during her interchange with Adam. She wasn’t ready to explain herself.
After the game, the band played the fight song one last time, and then it was time to pack up. Annie managed to find her way up to Sophia.
“So who was that boy you were talking to?” Annie asked.
“Who? You mean Ian?” Sophia played dumb.
“No. That grungy looking guy, with the scowl.”
“He does not have a scowl!”
“Whatever. If you don’t want to tell me that’s fine.” Annie flicked the bangs out of her eyes.
“His name is Adam Goodwin.”
“Oh, do you like him?” Annie asked nonchalantly.
“I don’t really know him that well.”
“He sure was sitting close to you.”
“Thanks for pointing out the obvious…” Sophia saw Adam walking down the bleachers again. “and why don’t you head over to the van, I’ll be there in a minute.
“Why do…? Annie asked and then noticed Adam. “Oh,” replied Annie knowingly and walked off. Sophia couldn’t tell if Annie was disgusted or just indifferent.
“Great game,” Adam said.
“Yeah, we barely lost,” Sophia said with mock seriousness.
“By fifteen points!” Adam replied. Adam smiled at her. He did not always have a scowl, Sophia thought.
“Was that your sister?” Adam asked aiming behind him with his thumb.
“Yeah, how could you tell?”
“Strong family resemblance.”
“I know, when we were younger people thought we were twins.”
“You don’t look like twins to me. One is definitely very cute.”
“Am I supposed to be blushing now?”
“Only if you think I’m talking about you.”
Oh, so vague, Sophia smiled sarcastically.
“I want you to hear raw talent. Are you ready?” Adam pulled the earbuds from his ears and handed them to Sophia. She placed the warm earbuds into her ears. Raw metal screamed at her, pounding and raking her eardrums. A vocalist yelled and swore angrily at her. Her eyes began to water in reaction to the ear and brain damage.
She endured about thirty seconds and then handed the buds back.
“So what do you think?”
“Very original, what is it,” was all she could manage.
“Rage Against the Machine.”
“The rage part is obvious. What’s the machine?”
“The system, bad governments, conformity in general.”
I see. Interesting. She could not see what that group provided for Adam.
You didn’t like it? I know I know, it’s a little hard. But I really think you’ll like Led Zeppelin.
Well if it sounds anything like the Rage stuff, I doubt it.
Not even close. These guys were the true geniuses of heavy metal, in fact they invented it.
Wow. I didn’t know that.
“Yeah, and they’re very talented players, being a musician yourself I think you will like it.”
“Being a musician makes me a harsh critic,” Sophia warned.
“True, and I’m telling you, you will like Led Zeppelin. I think I have Kashmir on here somewhere.” Adam fiddled with his MP3 player. Sophia looked up and noticed the stadium was almost empty. She picked up her trumpet case and hat box.
“I think they’re going to turn off the lights,” she said.
“You’re right. Maybe I’ll burn you a disc of my favorite songs. It would take you at least an hour to listen to my absolute favorites anyway.” They both walked down the steps and toward the parking lot. Something tugged at Sophia’s brain. The party. The words haunted the back wall of her head. Just do it and get it over with, she thought. She was feeling casual. Hopefully she would come off sounding casual, and Adam would get it that the invitation was a casual thing. She slowed down and stopped as the van came into view. Adam stopped and looked at her, waiting.
“So… I’ve gotta go, but first…my sister and I are having a Halloween party next Friday at my house, if you want to come.” Sophia’s words tumbled out
“I wondered when you were going to ask me,” Adam said.
Sophia closed her mouth, then opened it again “You knew about it?” she asked slowly.
“Sure, it sounds like you’ve invited the whole band,” Adam smiled. Sophia slapped her forehead.
That must’ve been my sister’s doing.
I would love to come. Are you going to require me to dress in costume.
Not if you don’t want to. I sometimes wonder if I’m growing out of the whole trick or treating, costumed parade thingy, you know?
“Sophia!” It was Annie.
“I gotta go! I’ll see you on Monday,” Sophia said.
“Ok. Later.”
Monday, October 22, 2007
Chapter 4 The Winner and the Loser
Chapter 4 The Winner and the Loser
Thursday in second period, Sophia’s debate teacher allowed them to spend the entire hour working on their debates to be presented the following day. She would have relished being solitary as she concentrated, she could really use the solitude to talk out loud to herself at this point. A tight knot formed in her gut, as she worried about her debate topic.
She looked across the classroom to her assigned opponent, Jess Low; the smartest kid in class, and possibly in her grade. He scribbled on note cards with confidence, possibly stating every most convincing reason in support of stem cell research that ever existed. Shoot, had he used his whole pack of 50 note cards? She wondered noticing his thick stack. All she could muster was a deep sigh, as she let her head drop to the desk, knowing her forehead was forming a greasy spot on her ten note cards. She was supposed to be against stem cell research, period. Her true opinion, though, was for adult stem cell research, which didn’t harm human life, and against embryonic stem cell research, which requires harvesting human embryos for research, essentially killing the seeds of human life. She couldn’t change her topic at the last minute, albeit a small change, because she was still against part of it. She would just have to read her notes and be done, and cross her fingers that she’d sound convincing enough to the teacher.
By lunchtime, Sophia began to develop a stress headache, worrying over her debate. She carried her notecards with her, studying each one as she ate. Taking a bite, flipping a card, adding extra notes, taking a bite and repeating. She was oblivious to anyone around her. The crowded cafeteria produced a low roar with occasional stoccato pitches of silverware tapping, shoes slapping, chairs banging, just a dull accompaniment to the confusing solo in her mind. “stem cells act as a repair system for the body, replenishing specialized cells…embryonic stem cell lines can be generated using a single-cell biopsy…allows for stem cell creation without embryonic destruction…”
“Hey.”
Sophia looked up, eyes still accostomed to upclose reading and blinked several times waiting for her eyes to refocus.
“Hey” Adam said again waving a hand in front of her face. “Are you ok? You looked stoned or something.”
“If studying too much can cause the same effect as drugs, I guess you could call me stoned.”
“Well, you’ve got the bloodshot eyes and dazed expression.”
Sophia dropped her forehead into her palm. “I should just give up.”
“You look stressed, what bites?” Adam asked.
“Oh, it’s my debate class, I’m supposed to present my debate tomorrow, and I’m really nervous, I just don’t feel prepared,” Sophia lamented.
“Oh yeah, the stem cell stuff.”
“Yeah, that. The problem is I disagree with some of the points I will be presenting. I do support adult stem cell research.
Then why don’t you just say that then
What?
Just say what you think, people can tell when you’re jacking them around.
“I know, I want to sound convincing. But how when I don’t agree with half of my arguments?” She looked pleadingly into his eyes for the first time, and he couldn’t help but smile.
“You’re desperate, aren’t you? Why do you care so much?”
“I…I just really want an A in the class. “
“Why, will your dad ground you if you don’t?”
Sophia frowned, “No, he’s not that strict. I guess my real goal is to get straight A’s this semester.” A memory poked her. She also wanted those straight A’s because when Jared was still hers, she wanted something with which to impress him. Something to keep her in his mind. There was to be no more impressing Jared. She guessed it was all about personal achievement, now, whoo hoo! Sophia sighed and picked at her food.
Adam offered, “Well, when I am in an argument, say, with my mom I try to show how by choosing my side it could benefit her.
Has it ever worked?
Not really, she’s too smart for me.
Well, I doubt I’ll try that then.
Thanks, Adam said sarcastically.
I’m sorry, it’s just that I’m up against the smartest guy in the junior class, Jesse Low. I feel defeated already.
Adam thought harder, Sophia noticed. She marveled at him, thinking, he really cared about her stupid problem!
I know. Tell me about your teacher, male or female?
She’s a female, so what?
Well, she’s the one giving the grade right?
Yeah.
Well, the point is to try to convince her, not Jess Low to choose your side.
“You’re right!” Sophia realized. If she could not only give a good presentation, but also go a little further in actually convincing Mrs. Nixon then maybe she could get her A.
It’s not necessarily about what side you’re on, but if you can be the greater convincer.
Oh, I guess you’re right. So what does it matter that she’s a woman?
I’m getting to that. I heard somewhere. . . and don’t you laugh at me. He pointed at Sophia warnignly. Sophia shook her head and pursed her lips.
Adam stated cautiously, “I heard somewhere that to be convincing to a woman. . .’ he paused assesing Sophia’s reaction, “you need to validate her feelings.”
“Wow, good observation.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, that’s like the one thing keeping guys from understanding girls.”
“So if I understand all about validation, I’ve got it made?”
“Putting it into action will get you the girl.” Adam smiled at Sophia who began to blush realizing she was revealing too much. “So anyway, where were we?” she asked looking down at her notes.
“Validating your teacher’s feelings.”
“Oh Yeah. Go on.”
“Well, what are her feelings?”
“Mrs. Nixon’s feelings?” She’d never thought about that before. Weren’t teachers supposed to withold their opinions from the class, and not sway the student body?
“I don’t know, I don’t think she’s supposed to say.”
“Well, you know some things about her. She’s married right?”
“Yeah.”
“Does she have any kids?”
“I think she has one. I know she mentioned she was on maternity leave for part of last year.”
“Perfect! There you go!”
“Huh?!”
“Wow, I really am smart sometimes, I surprise myself!”
“Wait, I missed something.”
“She had a baby! She would definitely be against killing an embryo; she values human life too much.”
“Well, how does that help me? I’m supposed to be totally against stem cell research, and I’m not, I just want to be honest with myself, you know.”
Well, as I was saying she probably already agrees with you on banning embryonic stem cell research. She will be on your side already.
Yeah, and?
The next big step is to convince her that adult stem cell research is good. I doubt your opponent spends more than a minute on adult stem cells alone, he will have breezed past that to more technical stuff on embryonic, because that’s an unkown area with amazing possibilities. He will not have convinced her at all.
You’re probably right.
You will already have her feelings validated by stating stuff she agrees with, then you state how accepting adult stem cell research could benefit her and her baby, not harm. Give some real life stories of how adult stem cell researcch has beneiffited children. She’ll be nodding her head the whole time and you’ll get your A++.
Perfect! That’s right. I just remembered that adult stem cell research has been used for many years to successfully treat leukemia. And leukemia attacks children. Sophia exclaimed and began scribbling on her notecards before she forgot all that Adam had just told her.
Where did you learn to be a good arguer? Sophia asked as she dotted the last ‘i’.
I didn’t, I guess I just saw so many bad arguments with my parents when I was little, I knew what not to do.
You should take debate. You would get an A in it.
I’m not a conformist, I wouldn’t be able to follow any of the formal debate guidelines.
So you’re a streetsmart debater, not a booksmart one.
Exactly.
“Well, you get an A++ in my book,” said Sophia wanting to hug him. Then the bell rang.
“Well, I’ve gotta go. And thank you so so much!” Sophia said gathering her things and stuffing them into her backpack.
“No problem. Let me know how it goes,” said Adam smiling.
“I will at lunch tomorrow.”
“Good luck!” Adam said watching Sophia walk away.
Thanks!
After lunch in Chemistry, Sophia couldn’t keep a smile from forming on her face as the teacher passed back their graded assignments. Adam had really helped her on her debate project, and relief washed over her, knowing she had her presentation under control.
“Sophia” Mr. Duncan handed her assignmetn back, with an 88% marked at the top. Sophia remembered something.
“Oh no! I’m so stupid!” Sophia said slapping her forehead.
“What did you get?” Bonnie asked, sitting two seats back from her.
“ Oh, a B+,” Sophia responded absentmindedly.
“You did better than I did! Bonnie replied.
“But that’s not what I’m worried about.”
“You’re not?”
“Nevermind,” Sophia replied. How could she have forgotten? She had spent most of last evening planning on how she was going to ask Adam today if he wanted to come to her Halloween party. She was so caught up in her own world of achievement, that she failed. She failed to even ask how Adam was doing or pick up where they left off the day before. She was doing a terrible job as a member missionary so far. She pulled her backpack out from under her chair and pulled out a new personal planner. She would write it down. October 24, invite Adam to party, thank him for his help, debate presentation 2nd hour. Now she needed to remember to look at her daily planner. Daily!
Friday, during first period band practice, her mind felt so distracted. Thankfully she had the songs memorized as she played her trumpet and marched around the practice field with the entire band. They had a home football game that night and everyone was getting pumped up, working out the last few kinks of their halftime show.
Unfortunately there were too many overzealous players, and Mr. Maxwell kept stopping the song to correct a row alignment, or practice over and over again a particlur line in the song.
Finally Mr. Maxwell let the band play the songs all the way through, and then finished by talking through the megaphone, “Good practice everyone. Be at the stadium at 6:30 wearing your uniforms, don’t forget gloves and plumes. We don’t want to lose the meaning of the word uniform!” The band members broke their formations, and began running back towards the band room. Sophia glanced at her watch. “8:57” No wonder everyone was running! Band practice had gone over, and Sophia had three mintues to get her backpack and run to Debate class. Just my luck she mumbled.
Finally!
Sophia deliberatly walked to the cafeteria to look for Adam and invite him to her party next week before she forgot again. Then a horrible thought rammed her like a jackhammer. Oh, no! Adam’s going to think I’m asking him out on a date! I never even thought of that. Sophia stopped abruptly in the hall, a couple of student’s behind her nearly knocking her over. Sophia forced herself to keep walking. Even if I say just as friends, she thought, he’s going to know I like him. Do I like him? He’s so different than I am! It doesn’t matter now. He probably already thinks I like him. I keep hanging out with him everyday at lunch. I can’t lead him on. I can’t do it! But the party isn’t a date, it’s a party, she thought. I don’t even have to talk to him at all during the party, there will be enough people there. But that’s not the point, she countered. The point is to talk to him, and have him meet my Mormon friends. She entered the cafeteria, the debate still battling in her mind, and stood in the food line.
"Hey!" Sophia turned and saw Adam walking into the cafeteria towards her. You saved me a spot?
"Um…yeah, sure!" Sophia said as she noticed an unpleasant look cross the face of the guy behind her. Sophia pretended not to notice and stepped aside. Adam searched Sophia’s face.
"You don’t look happy. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have tried to help you. If you get a C on your debate you can blame it on me. Call me whatever bad names you want. Punch me if you prefer. I deserve it.” He grabbed her wrist and tried to make her slap him.
“No no no!” laughed Sophia pulling her arm back and quickly switching mental modes. “Your advice was perfect. I did exactly what you suggested and Mrs. Nixon was smiling at the end! I couldn’t believe it. I wished you could’ve been there.” Sophia beamed.
Adam just smiled, almost laughing.
What?
Nothing, it’s just your eyes again. They’re like a drug on me.
Sophia blushed profusely, and turned her head away as if distracted. She wanted to invite him then to the party, but her hesitations held her back. Wasn’t it obvious he liked her? How could she be so dense? If she asked him now, he would totally think she liked him too. She just wasn’t sure what her feelings were, the breakup with Jared, still so freshly over. It would still be a while before she knew.
“There’s something bothering you.” Adam observed Sophia’s pensive face. “You can’t still be worried about your debate, it’s over, right?
"Oh, no, everything’s fine." Sophia forced a quick smile. Adam didn’t seem convinced.
"Is it me? I’ll leave if you want me to. I know I’m weird. Just say the word and I’ll be gone."
"No no, you’re fine." Sophia turned to look at him and noticed his dark concerned eyes. “I guess I still have some jitters from my debate this morning. It’s not you, I promise,” Sophia lied. “I’m just glad it’s Friday, relieved you know?”
“Yeah” Adam smiled. They both looked away in silence. Sophia and Adam both got their food without speaking.
“Hey I haven’t talked with my friend Jake in a while. I need to get caught up on what the ‘in crowd’ is doing these days. Make sure I’m not doing it, you know.” Adam waited for Sophia to smile.
“Yeah sure.” Sophia watched Adam walk away. She was not sure if she was relieved or not.
What was she doing letting him get away? Where was her resolve? Didn’t she acutally pray about Adam and feel that confirmation from the spirit, that peaceful feeling that it would be a good thing to be Adam’s friend? Didn’t she feel like Heavenly Father was supporting her efforts at being his friend? And here she was starting to back out, fearing the unkown. Sophia inhaled deeply and then exhaled slowly. I’m probably just feeling overstressed. I just need to take it easy. Maybe it’s just not time yet. Plus there’s still all of next week to run into him and casually ask him to the party. She couldn’t think so hard anymore at the moment, and the cacophony of lunchtime overtook her thoughts.
Thursday in second period, Sophia’s debate teacher allowed them to spend the entire hour working on their debates to be presented the following day. She would have relished being solitary as she concentrated, she could really use the solitude to talk out loud to herself at this point. A tight knot formed in her gut, as she worried about her debate topic.
She looked across the classroom to her assigned opponent, Jess Low; the smartest kid in class, and possibly in her grade. He scribbled on note cards with confidence, possibly stating every most convincing reason in support of stem cell research that ever existed. Shoot, had he used his whole pack of 50 note cards? She wondered noticing his thick stack. All she could muster was a deep sigh, as she let her head drop to the desk, knowing her forehead was forming a greasy spot on her ten note cards. She was supposed to be against stem cell research, period. Her true opinion, though, was for adult stem cell research, which didn’t harm human life, and against embryonic stem cell research, which requires harvesting human embryos for research, essentially killing the seeds of human life. She couldn’t change her topic at the last minute, albeit a small change, because she was still against part of it. She would just have to read her notes and be done, and cross her fingers that she’d sound convincing enough to the teacher.
By lunchtime, Sophia began to develop a stress headache, worrying over her debate. She carried her notecards with her, studying each one as she ate. Taking a bite, flipping a card, adding extra notes, taking a bite and repeating. She was oblivious to anyone around her. The crowded cafeteria produced a low roar with occasional stoccato pitches of silverware tapping, shoes slapping, chairs banging, just a dull accompaniment to the confusing solo in her mind. “stem cells act as a repair system for the body, replenishing specialized cells…embryonic stem cell lines can be generated using a single-cell biopsy…allows for stem cell creation without embryonic destruction…”
“Hey.”
Sophia looked up, eyes still accostomed to upclose reading and blinked several times waiting for her eyes to refocus.
“Hey” Adam said again waving a hand in front of her face. “Are you ok? You looked stoned or something.”
“If studying too much can cause the same effect as drugs, I guess you could call me stoned.”
“Well, you’ve got the bloodshot eyes and dazed expression.”
Sophia dropped her forehead into her palm. “I should just give up.”
“You look stressed, what bites?” Adam asked.
“Oh, it’s my debate class, I’m supposed to present my debate tomorrow, and I’m really nervous, I just don’t feel prepared,” Sophia lamented.
“Oh yeah, the stem cell stuff.”
“Yeah, that. The problem is I disagree with some of the points I will be presenting. I do support adult stem cell research.
Then why don’t you just say that then
What?
Just say what you think, people can tell when you’re jacking them around.
“I know, I want to sound convincing. But how when I don’t agree with half of my arguments?” She looked pleadingly into his eyes for the first time, and he couldn’t help but smile.
“You’re desperate, aren’t you? Why do you care so much?”
“I…I just really want an A in the class. “
“Why, will your dad ground you if you don’t?”
Sophia frowned, “No, he’s not that strict. I guess my real goal is to get straight A’s this semester.” A memory poked her. She also wanted those straight A’s because when Jared was still hers, she wanted something with which to impress him. Something to keep her in his mind. There was to be no more impressing Jared. She guessed it was all about personal achievement, now, whoo hoo! Sophia sighed and picked at her food.
Adam offered, “Well, when I am in an argument, say, with my mom I try to show how by choosing my side it could benefit her.
Has it ever worked?
Not really, she’s too smart for me.
Well, I doubt I’ll try that then.
Thanks, Adam said sarcastically.
I’m sorry, it’s just that I’m up against the smartest guy in the junior class, Jesse Low. I feel defeated already.
Adam thought harder, Sophia noticed. She marveled at him, thinking, he really cared about her stupid problem!
I know. Tell me about your teacher, male or female?
She’s a female, so what?
Well, she’s the one giving the grade right?
Yeah.
Well, the point is to try to convince her, not Jess Low to choose your side.
“You’re right!” Sophia realized. If she could not only give a good presentation, but also go a little further in actually convincing Mrs. Nixon then maybe she could get her A.
It’s not necessarily about what side you’re on, but if you can be the greater convincer.
Oh, I guess you’re right. So what does it matter that she’s a woman?
I’m getting to that. I heard somewhere. . . and don’t you laugh at me. He pointed at Sophia warnignly. Sophia shook her head and pursed her lips.
Adam stated cautiously, “I heard somewhere that to be convincing to a woman. . .’ he paused assesing Sophia’s reaction, “you need to validate her feelings.”
“Wow, good observation.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, that’s like the one thing keeping guys from understanding girls.”
“So if I understand all about validation, I’ve got it made?”
“Putting it into action will get you the girl.” Adam smiled at Sophia who began to blush realizing she was revealing too much. “So anyway, where were we?” she asked looking down at her notes.
“Validating your teacher’s feelings.”
“Oh Yeah. Go on.”
“Well, what are her feelings?”
“Mrs. Nixon’s feelings?” She’d never thought about that before. Weren’t teachers supposed to withold their opinions from the class, and not sway the student body?
“I don’t know, I don’t think she’s supposed to say.”
“Well, you know some things about her. She’s married right?”
“Yeah.”
“Does she have any kids?”
“I think she has one. I know she mentioned she was on maternity leave for part of last year.”
“Perfect! There you go!”
“Huh?!”
“Wow, I really am smart sometimes, I surprise myself!”
“Wait, I missed something.”
“She had a baby! She would definitely be against killing an embryo; she values human life too much.”
“Well, how does that help me? I’m supposed to be totally against stem cell research, and I’m not, I just want to be honest with myself, you know.”
Well, as I was saying she probably already agrees with you on banning embryonic stem cell research. She will be on your side already.
Yeah, and?
The next big step is to convince her that adult stem cell research is good. I doubt your opponent spends more than a minute on adult stem cells alone, he will have breezed past that to more technical stuff on embryonic, because that’s an unkown area with amazing possibilities. He will not have convinced her at all.
You’re probably right.
You will already have her feelings validated by stating stuff she agrees with, then you state how accepting adult stem cell research could benefit her and her baby, not harm. Give some real life stories of how adult stem cell researcch has beneiffited children. She’ll be nodding her head the whole time and you’ll get your A++.
Perfect! That’s right. I just remembered that adult stem cell research has been used for many years to successfully treat leukemia. And leukemia attacks children. Sophia exclaimed and began scribbling on her notecards before she forgot all that Adam had just told her.
Where did you learn to be a good arguer? Sophia asked as she dotted the last ‘i’.
I didn’t, I guess I just saw so many bad arguments with my parents when I was little, I knew what not to do.
You should take debate. You would get an A in it.
I’m not a conformist, I wouldn’t be able to follow any of the formal debate guidelines.
So you’re a streetsmart debater, not a booksmart one.
Exactly.
“Well, you get an A++ in my book,” said Sophia wanting to hug him. Then the bell rang.
“Well, I’ve gotta go. And thank you so so much!” Sophia said gathering her things and stuffing them into her backpack.
“No problem. Let me know how it goes,” said Adam smiling.
“I will at lunch tomorrow.”
“Good luck!” Adam said watching Sophia walk away.
Thanks!
After lunch in Chemistry, Sophia couldn’t keep a smile from forming on her face as the teacher passed back their graded assignments. Adam had really helped her on her debate project, and relief washed over her, knowing she had her presentation under control.
“Sophia” Mr. Duncan handed her assignmetn back, with an 88% marked at the top. Sophia remembered something.
“Oh no! I’m so stupid!” Sophia said slapping her forehead.
“What did you get?” Bonnie asked, sitting two seats back from her.
“ Oh, a B+,” Sophia responded absentmindedly.
“You did better than I did! Bonnie replied.
“But that’s not what I’m worried about.”
“You’re not?”
“Nevermind,” Sophia replied. How could she have forgotten? She had spent most of last evening planning on how she was going to ask Adam today if he wanted to come to her Halloween party. She was so caught up in her own world of achievement, that she failed. She failed to even ask how Adam was doing or pick up where they left off the day before. She was doing a terrible job as a member missionary so far. She pulled her backpack out from under her chair and pulled out a new personal planner. She would write it down. October 24, invite Adam to party, thank him for his help, debate presentation 2nd hour. Now she needed to remember to look at her daily planner. Daily!
Friday, during first period band practice, her mind felt so distracted. Thankfully she had the songs memorized as she played her trumpet and marched around the practice field with the entire band. They had a home football game that night and everyone was getting pumped up, working out the last few kinks of their halftime show.
Unfortunately there were too many overzealous players, and Mr. Maxwell kept stopping the song to correct a row alignment, or practice over and over again a particlur line in the song.
Finally Mr. Maxwell let the band play the songs all the way through, and then finished by talking through the megaphone, “Good practice everyone. Be at the stadium at 6:30 wearing your uniforms, don’t forget gloves and plumes. We don’t want to lose the meaning of the word uniform!” The band members broke their formations, and began running back towards the band room. Sophia glanced at her watch. “8:57” No wonder everyone was running! Band practice had gone over, and Sophia had three mintues to get her backpack and run to Debate class. Just my luck she mumbled.
Finally!
Sophia deliberatly walked to the cafeteria to look for Adam and invite him to her party next week before she forgot again. Then a horrible thought rammed her like a jackhammer. Oh, no! Adam’s going to think I’m asking him out on a date! I never even thought of that. Sophia stopped abruptly in the hall, a couple of student’s behind her nearly knocking her over. Sophia forced herself to keep walking. Even if I say just as friends, she thought, he’s going to know I like him. Do I like him? He’s so different than I am! It doesn’t matter now. He probably already thinks I like him. I keep hanging out with him everyday at lunch. I can’t lead him on. I can’t do it! But the party isn’t a date, it’s a party, she thought. I don’t even have to talk to him at all during the party, there will be enough people there. But that’s not the point, she countered. The point is to talk to him, and have him meet my Mormon friends. She entered the cafeteria, the debate still battling in her mind, and stood in the food line.
"Hey!" Sophia turned and saw Adam walking into the cafeteria towards her. You saved me a spot?
"Um…yeah, sure!" Sophia said as she noticed an unpleasant look cross the face of the guy behind her. Sophia pretended not to notice and stepped aside. Adam searched Sophia’s face.
"You don’t look happy. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have tried to help you. If you get a C on your debate you can blame it on me. Call me whatever bad names you want. Punch me if you prefer. I deserve it.” He grabbed her wrist and tried to make her slap him.
“No no no!” laughed Sophia pulling her arm back and quickly switching mental modes. “Your advice was perfect. I did exactly what you suggested and Mrs. Nixon was smiling at the end! I couldn’t believe it. I wished you could’ve been there.” Sophia beamed.
Adam just smiled, almost laughing.
What?
Nothing, it’s just your eyes again. They’re like a drug on me.
Sophia blushed profusely, and turned her head away as if distracted. She wanted to invite him then to the party, but her hesitations held her back. Wasn’t it obvious he liked her? How could she be so dense? If she asked him now, he would totally think she liked him too. She just wasn’t sure what her feelings were, the breakup with Jared, still so freshly over. It would still be a while before she knew.
“There’s something bothering you.” Adam observed Sophia’s pensive face. “You can’t still be worried about your debate, it’s over, right?
"Oh, no, everything’s fine." Sophia forced a quick smile. Adam didn’t seem convinced.
"Is it me? I’ll leave if you want me to. I know I’m weird. Just say the word and I’ll be gone."
"No no, you’re fine." Sophia turned to look at him and noticed his dark concerned eyes. “I guess I still have some jitters from my debate this morning. It’s not you, I promise,” Sophia lied. “I’m just glad it’s Friday, relieved you know?”
“Yeah” Adam smiled. They both looked away in silence. Sophia and Adam both got their food without speaking.
“Hey I haven’t talked with my friend Jake in a while. I need to get caught up on what the ‘in crowd’ is doing these days. Make sure I’m not doing it, you know.” Adam waited for Sophia to smile.
“Yeah sure.” Sophia watched Adam walk away. She was not sure if she was relieved or not.
What was she doing letting him get away? Where was her resolve? Didn’t she acutally pray about Adam and feel that confirmation from the spirit, that peaceful feeling that it would be a good thing to be Adam’s friend? Didn’t she feel like Heavenly Father was supporting her efforts at being his friend? And here she was starting to back out, fearing the unkown. Sophia inhaled deeply and then exhaled slowly. I’m probably just feeling overstressed. I just need to take it easy. Maybe it’s just not time yet. Plus there’s still all of next week to run into him and casually ask him to the party. She couldn’t think so hard anymore at the moment, and the cacophony of lunchtime overtook her thoughts.
Chapter 3 Atheist
Chapter 3
Sophia entered late into the seminary room behind her impatient sister Annie Wednesday morning. Through her bleary eyes she read “Welcome to Cemetary” written in chalk across the board. Eight small gravestones had been drawn for each student in class: RIP Josh, RIP Bonnie RIP Annie, RIP Melissa etc. She noticed Sister Ellis wasn’t there yet, which was unusual.
“Who wrote that?” Sophia asked rolling her eyes.
“Melissa and I did it after seminary yesterday,” said Annie smirking.
“I don’t think we’re exactly dead in seminary I think we’re more like zombie’s” Sophia said sitting down next to Bonnie.
““Being dead means not participating in class,” Bonnie said, “and I participate.”
“Yeah, so do I,” interjected Sean, “I make sure I give my one word answers if Sister Lawrence calls on me. Let’s see what could it be this time, read your scriptures, say your prayers, or go to church?”
Bonnie sighed, “There’s more to it than that, Sean. I pity those who just go through the motions.”
“I’m just joking Bonnie. Lighten up.” Sean replied, giving her a big goofy smile and holding it, until she cracked a smile.
Sophia slapped his arm giving up, “You’re relentless Sean.”
Just then, Sister Ellis walked into the room. “Good morning brothers and sisters sorry I’m late,” said Sister Ellis as she bustled in with Josh and his sister Melissa behind her. “And aren’t we a cheerful group this morning,” she smiled hopefully. “And I overheard you already talking about today’s lesson, I’m so proud of you for doing your assigned reading. Uh.” She paused to look at the six now blank faces staring at her. She exhaled, you didn’t do your reading. It’s ok, we’ll keep trying. Never give up! I know as you read your scriptures you will strengthen your testimony and your testimony in turn will protect you as a shield would from the fiery darts of the adversary.”
“Yes Sister Ellis,” they all answered. Sophia felt a guilty pang. She hated it when Sister Ellis spoke about their sins with such loving kindness, it was the surest way to get her to feel the guilt. She admitted to herself that she had neglected her scripture reading lately. Yeah, she did read with her family nearly every night. That was good enough wasn’t it? Plus, she was so tired from having to wake up so early in the morning for seminary, she just crashed into bed each night, hardly conscious long enough to say a quick prayer before falling asleep.
After seminary, Sophia’s sister Annie exclaimed, “Let’s have a party for Halloween!” Sophia knew it was coming, Annie loved planning parties.
“A seminary Halloween party? That’s sounds like loads of fun. Not!” replied Josh.
“No, dummy. A Halloween party at our house, next Saturday, ten days from now. We could have some music and dancing. And plenty of food,” Annie replied.
“Have you talked to Mom and Dad about these plans?” asked Sophia.
“Yes, of course, last night. And they thought it would be safer for us to have a party at our house than somewhere else, and so they agreed.”
“Yeah so they can keep a close eye on us,” Sophia surmised.
“It’ll still be fun,” Annie encouraged.
“That’s true,” Sophia admitted, “It will be fun after Mom and Dad finish holding personal intereviews on all our guests. Remember my sixteenth birthday?” She thought back to her sixteenth birthday party last February. Mom and Dad had chatted with all her friends almost more than she had. At times it could be embarrassing, seeing them try to be “cool” in front of her friends or whatever it was they were trying to do.
“We’ll definitely have to talk about Mom and Dad about that. I’m sure we can come to some sort of agreement. Maybe enforce the no dumb jokes, and no sharing of embarrassing moments.”
“Ask for compromise. Good, sounds like a plan.”
Annie again addressed the seminary class. “So, do you guys want to come?”
“Yeah, as long as I don’t have to do any dancing with boys,” Bonnie replied.
“You’re asking for it Bonnie,” Sophia said under her breath realizing Sean and Josh were in the room.
“I’ll make sure she dances with boys,” said Sean smirking, “count me in,” he added to Annie.
“No you won’t, I will put you in a choke hold if you dare touch me,” said Bonnie threateningly.
“She must really want to dance with boys,” said Josh. “I’m dancing with her first though.” Sean replied in mock seriousness.
“No you’re not. Neither one of you are dancing with me. I can hurt you.”
“But will you hurt us is the real question,” snorted Josh as Sean punched him in the arm in agreement.
Bonnie grabbed Sean and Josh’s ears and pulled. Sophia grabbed Bonnie’s elbow forcing her to release the two boys.
“Ow ow ow!” yelled Sean and Josh rubbing their ears.
Sophia dragged Bonnie towards her parked minivan.
“Hey! What are you doing?!” Bonnie protested.
“I have to talk to you.”
“Yes, but. . .”
“Just calm down.”
“You don’t know what it’s like having them around. They push my buttons like nobody’s business. My common sense disappears and my blood just starts boiling.”
“They bug you because they like seeing you get all flustered. To them, it’s highly amusing.”
“Their amusement at my expense!” Sophia cried.
“Like I said, just blow it off, and they won’t bug you as much.”
“But I’m supposed to let them just tease me and I say nothing?” asked Bonnie breathlessly.
“No, just laugh at them back like you’re smarter than them, like you know something they don’t. Or you could just get really mad again, but I wouldn’t recommend it if you want to stay friends.” Bonnie glared at her. “And I’m not saying you’re friends or anything, but maybe to keep the peace,” Sophia consulted.
“Ok, so I’m supposed to just laugh at them?” Sophia nodded her head. “That’s so weird,” Bonnie exclaimed.
“Believe me, it works. You haven’t seen any boys bugging me lately have you?”
“Yes.”
“Who?” Sophia asked doubtfully.
“Adam Goodwin,” Bonnie said smugly.
“Well, he doesn’t bug me, like the way Sean and Josh bug you. They can’t even take you seriously, whereas Adam can talk seriously with me.” Bonnie looked at Sophia incredulously. Sophia inhaled and spoke louder, “and anyway, I hardly know him. He’s not even a friend. And another thing, that’s not the point. We’re talking about you,” Sophia defended. Bonnie raised her eyebrows and a small smile formed on her lips.
“Now don’t you go teasing me and acting like Josh and Sean!”
“I wasn’t. Honest. I’m just curious that’s all. I’ve just seen him hanging around you a lot lately.”
“Sitting at lunch together a few days in a row is not a lot.”
“I don’t know, I just don’t think he wants to just be your acquaintance for long.”
“Ok, we’re even now, I gave you unwanted advice and then you gave me some.”
“That’s what best friends are for, duh.” And they both laughed.
“Hey I heard my name! What are you saying about me? Eh?” said Sean as he sauntered over. Bonnie gave her a look like, take care of this for me, and she rushed over to her truck.
“Oh, Sean, you crack me up! ” Sophia said slapping her knee sarcastically. “You must be hearing things, but no time to talk now, gotta get to band, you know,” said Sophia locking eyes with Bonnie. “Well, we’ll see yah. Come on Annie,” said Sophia as she jumped into her mini-van and shut the door before Sean could reply.
Sean stood there disgruntled that he had somehow lost an opportunity to tease. Bonnie jumped into her baby blue truck and pulled out of the parking lot, smiling at Sophia in thanks. Annie pulled herself away from her best friend Melissa.
“I’ll call you” Melissa said.
“No I’ll call you at 3:30 and we can start our party planning” said Annie.
“Yes!” they both exclaimed.
“Oh, and let’s discuss if we should do skulls or bats hanging from the chandelier. Think about it!
“I will. I can’t wait!” Melissa said climbing into the car with her brother Josh.
At the end of English class, Sophia found herself thinking about Adam and wondering if she would see him today at lunch. She felt an unexpected thrill as she wondered what their conversation might be about today. What am I thinking, she asked herself. I don’t even know him, and I highly doubt he’s my type anyway.
As she entered the cafeteria and looked toward the designated band area of tables, she didn’t see Adam there. He’s probably not here yet, she thought. Her immediate feeling of disappointment surprised her. Get over it, she thought. She decided to buy her lunch so she got in line. Her mind began zoning out when a voice whispered in her ear, sending chills down her spine.
“Hey, stranger.” Sophia jumped and turned around. It was Adam.
“Why do you keep sneaking up on me like that?
“I’m not trying to sneak up on you. You’re just so lost in thought you didn’t notice me. So what are you thinking about?”
“Nothing. . . I mean, never mind. I didn’t think you normally bought cafeteria lunch. Why are you in line?”
“Just to bug you.”
“Oh thanks”
“No, I thought I’d try their hamburgers today.”
“Yeah they are actually not too bad. I think they make their own hamburger buns. Mickey D’s can’t beat that.”
They both bought their lunch and Adam followed her to the band table where he sat across from her again.
“So why are you sitting at the band table again? I thought you were a floater?”
“I am but I guess I just feel comfortable here,” he said looking into her eyes. Well at least one of us is comfortable, she thought. She breathed a sigh of relief, as she noticed Bonnie coming over.
“Hey Bonnie , come sit by us today.”
“Hey how’s it going? She said sitting down.
“Good”
“I can only stay a few minutes. I’m meeting with my English teacher about my essay.” There was an awkward silence as they all began to eat. And Sophia wondered if Bonnie and Adam would get along.
“So are you going to young women’s tonight? Bonnie asked Sophia between bites of food. “You better, or I’ll be the only one there.”
“Yeah. Of course. I am the Laurel president, I have to be there! Said Sophia, eyeing Adam.
“What’s young womens’?” asked Adam. Sophia dreaded this would happen.
“It’s a church thing. Bonnie and I go to the same church,” said Sophia hesitantly. She was not liking where this conversation was going. And then the questions of religion came.
“So are you like Baptist then?” Adam asked. Bonnie snickered. Sophia waited hoping Bonnie would answer this one.
Bonnie took the lead, “Heck no! . . .we belong to the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints,” she said proudly. At least one of them didn’t shy away from the religious questions.
“Oh. . . Did you say the Church of Christ?”
“No, that’s a different church.”
“Oh, still doesn’t ring a bell.”
“Or you could call us Mormons” interjected Sophia uncomfortably.
Before Adam could ask any weird questions, Bonnie continued, “And no, we don’t grow horns on our heads.” Sophia dropped her face into her hands embarrassingly.
“I thought Mormons couldn’t drive cars or use electricity. You seem pretty normal if you ask me.”
“We try to blend in even if we grow tails that we cut off at the age of 12,” said Bonnie stifling a laugh.
“Ok I get it, you’re not weird,” Adam assured her. Bonnie stopped to look at her watch.
“Well, I gotta go now, we’ll see yah,” said Bonnie as she stuffed two last bites of fries into her mouth and headed out of the cafeteria.
Sophia uncovered her face and replied,“Yeah see yah,” wondering if it was a relief or not to have Bonnie gone.
Sophia really wanted to revert the focus away from herself, and so she asked Adam, “So do you go to church?”
“No, my mom does.”
“Where does she go?”
“She’s Presbyterian.”
“Oh, and you?”
“No, I’m atheist,” he replied understatedly. Sophia didn’t know what to say. “It doesn’t ring a bell to you?” Adam asked.
“Yeah it does. It’s just. . . have you always been atheist?”
“No, I guess when I was little I was what my mom was.
“So what changed?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Oh, sorry.”
“It’s ok. It’s just some bad things happened, and I decided Presbyterianism wasn’t for me, that’s all.”
“But atheist. You don’t even think there’s a God that exists?”
“How could a God exist with so much bad stuff happening in the world?” Adam asked skeptically. Sophia blinked. She had never thought about that before. Yeah, bad stuff was happening all around her, but not towards her. Her life was pretty good, compared to most.
All she could muster was “I don’t know why exactly.”
“If there really is a God, he wouldn’t let such bad stuff happen.”
Sophia looked into Adam’s eyes. His brown eyes seemed almost black to her. A slight crease formed between his dark eyebrows, as if he was concentrating on holding some tangible pain back from his consciousness. She felt a sudden instinct to comfort him, but fear overruled.
Adam looked down caught up in his unknown desperate thoughts. She wondered what could have happened to shake his faith so much to not even believe a God exists. She was too afraid to even explore the possibilities.
She pretended to be interested in her hamburger and bit into it like she had suddenly realized she was starving. She stole glances at Adam who was drowning his fries in ketchup.
Then an epiphany came to her in that instant. He’s searching for something, she thought. He wants answers. I’ve got answers, the Church has answers. She contemplated what she would say next, debating if she should invite him to the next youth activity or to just hand him a pass- along card next time she saw him, and be done with the topic. Then, the bell rang breaking her train of thought, and relieving her of her missionary duties for the day.
Sophia jumped up a little too anxiously and said, “Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Yeah,” Adam replied perfunctorily, not even looking up to say ‘bye’.
The next hour, Sophia sat in her chemistry class, feeling guilty with no explanation. Why was she feeling guilty? She didn’t do anything wrong. Did she accidentally look at Adam weirdly when he told her he was atheist? Was she not sympathetic enough when he gave his brief explanation for his religious affiliation, or rather unaffiliation? Was he mad at her for not giving him an educated answer to his question of why God would let bad things happen to good people? Up till now, he seemed amazed by Sophia and everything that came out of her mouth. Maybe he was disappointed by her now. She felt a bit ashamed. She glanced over Bonnie’s shoulder hoping she had been taking notes. She couldn’t concentrate, especially on chemistry.
That night after dinner, it was Sophia’s turn to help her mother, Jane, with dishes and kitchen cleanup. As she rinsed and loaded glasses and plates into the dishwasher, her mind continued to mull over her conversation with Adam that day. She felt like she needed to do something about it, but she wasn’t sure what. Like she had an itch but couldn’t find where to scratch. Jane noticed Sophia’s unusual silence, as she put food into the refrigerator. She pulled some steel wool from a drawer and began scrubbing off the black on the bottom of a pan.
“No matter how careful I am, how I stir constantly, I can’t seem to keep milk from burning! You would think I would learn not to cook milk at all over the stove. Note to self, only use a can of condensed milk,” Jane decided, half talking to herself.”
“Yeah,” Sophia replied absentmindedly.
“So how was your day?” Jane asked not looking up, but pretending to concentrate only on her scrubbing.
“Fine” Sophia said idly swirling some water in a glass.
“Learn anything new?” the common tongue in cheek question.
“I guess.”
“Like what?” she asked lightly.
“Like how awkward it is to talk about the Church at school.”
“How did. . . that. . . come up?” Jane asked straining as she put more muscle into her scrubbing. Sophia sighed and wondered if she was up to this conversation with her mom. She slowly put a glass into the top rack.
“I have this friend, er, this guy I know was talking to me about religion today,” Sophia began.
“Oh really, was he asking questions about the Church?” Jane asked, intrigued.
“Kind of. It kind of came up as Bonnie and I were talking about young women’s tonight.”
“Did you end up having to tell him about your beliefs?”
“Not much, mostly just clearing up misunderstandings, but didn’t get much further than that. Sophia paused, contemplating her next words, then continued, “the weird thing is I think I was more surprised by our conversation than he was.
Why?
He told me he was atheist. Sophia paused.
“Interesting,” Jane said. Sophia glanced at her mom for a moment. She could see a glisten in her mom’s eyes, hoping to hear all the details. Fortunately Jane wasn’t pressing her for more info, so Sophia continued.
“And he said he couldn’t believe that a God exists who allows bad things to happen, especially to good people. So he’s chosen to not even believe in a higher being at all. He kept asking me how could a God exist with so much bad stuff happening in the world? I didn’t know what to say. I guess it made me feel kind of stupid.”
“No, you are very smart my dear, you just weren’t prepared to answer such a difficult question. .
“I’d never really thought about why bad things happen to good people, and how God allows such bad stuff to happen. In a way I felt lucky to have a great life, but selfish for not even realizing or thinking about why crappy stuff happens to others. How did I get so lucky?”
I think it’s more like you’ve been blessed. Bad things happen for many reasons Soph’.
I know, but why has my life been so good?
Your life hasn’t been all sunshine and roses either. Remember just a year ago when we first moved here? Sophia recalled her first day of tenth grade in a new school.
That was as fun as sitting in a box full of worms.
But you are fine now, I hope.” Jane leaned forward to look in Sophia’s face.
Yeah.
So how did you get through it?
I don’t know, just time I guess.
But you knew it would get better.
Yeah, ‘cause I knew it couldn’t get any worse.
So you had hope that things would get better?
Sure. So what are you getting at?
I’m just saying that you have found a way to be happy amid your trials. It’s called positive attitude, and more specifically, faith, hope, and charity.
I never thought of it like that.
I think you do a pretty good job of keeping a positive attitude, dear. Maybe this boy sees that part of you and wonders how you do it.
Maybe, Sophia sighed, I just don’t know what to say to him. It’s not like I can just tell him to have faith in God. He’s chosen not to.
True, but you can show him how having that faith has made you happier even in the midst of affliction. It could be as simple as showing him the brighter side of things.
I just don’t want to sound trite, though.
You won’t. And he might even appreciate it.
How does that answer his question of why bad things happen to good people?
That’s a tough one to answer to one who has no faith.
I know. I can’t even imagine not believing in God or Jesus Christ. I think I would be just as miserable.
I know what you mean. So that boy is looking to you for an answer. Do you have any ideas?
I’m not sure. My palms start sweating just thinking about what to say. What do you think?
Take it to the Lord
You mean I should pray about it? Sophia scoffed.
Sure!
Sophia rolled her eyes. “Praying about Adam, that’s so weird.”
You never know. But don’t get too worked up over this. Sometimes it’s best to just keep it simple. Maybe start out by inviting Adam to a church activity or something.” Jane glanced at the clock. “Oh, look at the time, we’ve gotta get going,” she said, switching modes and throwing down her towel.
Don’t forget your books, we're working on personal progress tonight . And could you call Annie Sophia? Jane babbled, in an obvious rush, as she went to gather her bags. She was second counselor in teh Young Women's presdiency, which Jane thought convenient for interacting with her teenage daughters.
“Annie! It’s time to go!” yelled Sophia as she walked down the hall. It was almost pointless yelling, it wasn’t like Annie could hear her over her flute practicing anyway.
That night after family scripture study, Sophia escaped to her room to think about her day, about her conversation with Adam, and her mom’s explanations. Now it was up to her to decide what she was willing to do. She plopped onto her unmade bed and stared at her wall calendar.
There was a combined ym/yw activity next Wednesday night. She could invite him to that one, she thought, but then what if he’s uncomfortable about going to something even remotely churchy, and says no? What then? She wasn’t prepared for ‘no’ as an answer right now and she didn’t want to have to be persuasive or pushy, that was just not who she was.
What if she invited him to something non religious to start out with but all her Mormon friends would be there? Yeah, then she could see how well he accepts her friends and their standards. Perfect, she thought, she and Annie would be hosting a party next week, and she could invite Adam to that, with no religious pressure whatsoever. She smiled feeling that her decision had been made.
Then, another thought occurred to her, what would her friends think of him? Would they be friendly to him, or dismiss him as some freak? Maybe if she prepared both sides ahead of time, they could all at least pretend to be friends for one night.
Friends, she thought. Adam wasn’t friends with any of her friends. He wouldn’t know anyone but her. She would feel obligated to entertain him all evening and she hardly even knew him herself. What was she thinking, she sighed and tossed herself back on her bed. She rubbed her eyes. The poor guy has no clue she’s scheming and planning his life for him. Give it up! Sophia exclaimed.
She sat up, remembering what her mother had suggested. “The Holy Ghost could help guide you in your missionary efforts.” Ok, maybe she could slip in a little extra request during her prayers to help her with her missionary efforts. She decided to kneel down and say her prayers and get it over with. Afterward, she opened her eyes. She felt peaceful as she sat back down on her bed.
Friends, she thought again. Just be friends with him. That’s it. Just get to know him and be a good example to him. Well, that’ll be easy, I’m already doing that.
“So, as a friend, I think I will invite Adam to the Halloween party” she said aloud to herself. “Sheesh, I sometimes make things harder than they already are,” she murmured.
Knock knock!
Who is it?
It’s Lucas.
Sophia ran over and opened her door.
Did you say something to me?
“No. I didn’t say anything.” Sophia smiled.
“Yes you did.”
“I did?” she asked covering her mouth.
“Yeah, something about a party.”
Oh. . um, yeah.
Were you talking to someone about it?
No, I was talking out loud to myself. Sophia sheepishly admitted.
Were you planning the Halloween party? Lucas’ eyes lit up.
Yeah! Just deciding on the details, what refreshments to have, who to invite, that sort of stuff.
I get to come don’t I? I am in seventh grade now you know. Old enough for school dances.
Um, sure, just act mature and you’ll be fine, though that hasn’t been too hard for you yet.
Thanks Sophia, Lucas replied grinning and turning to leave but then stopping midstep.
“Oh, and is that normal?”
What?
Talking out loud to yourself.
Oh….Of course! I mean…. at least for me it is. It helps me make decisions. I just talk out loud, in privacy, mind you, and it helps me make sense of things that seem so jumbled in my head.
Hmm, I should try that with my math homework sometime. My math has been much harder this year. Maybe if I read the problems out loud, the answers will come to me.”
You’re funny, Lucas.
What did I do?
“Oh nothing,” Sophia said messing up his hair. “Goodnight.”
“Goodnight,” said Lucas smoothing his hair back down.
Sophia shut the door and whispered, “Next time, I need to talk out loud a little more quietly.”
Sophia entered late into the seminary room behind her impatient sister Annie Wednesday morning. Through her bleary eyes she read “Welcome to Cemetary” written in chalk across the board. Eight small gravestones had been drawn for each student in class: RIP Josh, RIP Bonnie RIP Annie, RIP Melissa etc. She noticed Sister Ellis wasn’t there yet, which was unusual.
“Who wrote that?” Sophia asked rolling her eyes.
“Melissa and I did it after seminary yesterday,” said Annie smirking.
“I don’t think we’re exactly dead in seminary I think we’re more like zombie’s” Sophia said sitting down next to Bonnie.
““Being dead means not participating in class,” Bonnie said, “and I participate.”
“Yeah, so do I,” interjected Sean, “I make sure I give my one word answers if Sister Lawrence calls on me. Let’s see what could it be this time, read your scriptures, say your prayers, or go to church?”
Bonnie sighed, “There’s more to it than that, Sean. I pity those who just go through the motions.”
“I’m just joking Bonnie. Lighten up.” Sean replied, giving her a big goofy smile and holding it, until she cracked a smile.
Sophia slapped his arm giving up, “You’re relentless Sean.”
Just then, Sister Ellis walked into the room. “Good morning brothers and sisters sorry I’m late,” said Sister Ellis as she bustled in with Josh and his sister Melissa behind her. “And aren’t we a cheerful group this morning,” she smiled hopefully. “And I overheard you already talking about today’s lesson, I’m so proud of you for doing your assigned reading. Uh.” She paused to look at the six now blank faces staring at her. She exhaled, you didn’t do your reading. It’s ok, we’ll keep trying. Never give up! I know as you read your scriptures you will strengthen your testimony and your testimony in turn will protect you as a shield would from the fiery darts of the adversary.”
“Yes Sister Ellis,” they all answered. Sophia felt a guilty pang. She hated it when Sister Ellis spoke about their sins with such loving kindness, it was the surest way to get her to feel the guilt. She admitted to herself that she had neglected her scripture reading lately. Yeah, she did read with her family nearly every night. That was good enough wasn’t it? Plus, she was so tired from having to wake up so early in the morning for seminary, she just crashed into bed each night, hardly conscious long enough to say a quick prayer before falling asleep.
After seminary, Sophia’s sister Annie exclaimed, “Let’s have a party for Halloween!” Sophia knew it was coming, Annie loved planning parties.
“A seminary Halloween party? That’s sounds like loads of fun. Not!” replied Josh.
“No, dummy. A Halloween party at our house, next Saturday, ten days from now. We could have some music and dancing. And plenty of food,” Annie replied.
“Have you talked to Mom and Dad about these plans?” asked Sophia.
“Yes, of course, last night. And they thought it would be safer for us to have a party at our house than somewhere else, and so they agreed.”
“Yeah so they can keep a close eye on us,” Sophia surmised.
“It’ll still be fun,” Annie encouraged.
“That’s true,” Sophia admitted, “It will be fun after Mom and Dad finish holding personal intereviews on all our guests. Remember my sixteenth birthday?” She thought back to her sixteenth birthday party last February. Mom and Dad had chatted with all her friends almost more than she had. At times it could be embarrassing, seeing them try to be “cool” in front of her friends or whatever it was they were trying to do.
“We’ll definitely have to talk about Mom and Dad about that. I’m sure we can come to some sort of agreement. Maybe enforce the no dumb jokes, and no sharing of embarrassing moments.”
“Ask for compromise. Good, sounds like a plan.”
Annie again addressed the seminary class. “So, do you guys want to come?”
“Yeah, as long as I don’t have to do any dancing with boys,” Bonnie replied.
“You’re asking for it Bonnie,” Sophia said under her breath realizing Sean and Josh were in the room.
“I’ll make sure she dances with boys,” said Sean smirking, “count me in,” he added to Annie.
“No you won’t, I will put you in a choke hold if you dare touch me,” said Bonnie threateningly.
“She must really want to dance with boys,” said Josh. “I’m dancing with her first though.” Sean replied in mock seriousness.
“No you’re not. Neither one of you are dancing with me. I can hurt you.”
“But will you hurt us is the real question,” snorted Josh as Sean punched him in the arm in agreement.
Bonnie grabbed Sean and Josh’s ears and pulled. Sophia grabbed Bonnie’s elbow forcing her to release the two boys.
“Ow ow ow!” yelled Sean and Josh rubbing their ears.
Sophia dragged Bonnie towards her parked minivan.
“Hey! What are you doing?!” Bonnie protested.
“I have to talk to you.”
“Yes, but. . .”
“Just calm down.”
“You don’t know what it’s like having them around. They push my buttons like nobody’s business. My common sense disappears and my blood just starts boiling.”
“They bug you because they like seeing you get all flustered. To them, it’s highly amusing.”
“Their amusement at my expense!” Sophia cried.
“Like I said, just blow it off, and they won’t bug you as much.”
“But I’m supposed to let them just tease me and I say nothing?” asked Bonnie breathlessly.
“No, just laugh at them back like you’re smarter than them, like you know something they don’t. Or you could just get really mad again, but I wouldn’t recommend it if you want to stay friends.” Bonnie glared at her. “And I’m not saying you’re friends or anything, but maybe to keep the peace,” Sophia consulted.
“Ok, so I’m supposed to just laugh at them?” Sophia nodded her head. “That’s so weird,” Bonnie exclaimed.
“Believe me, it works. You haven’t seen any boys bugging me lately have you?”
“Yes.”
“Who?” Sophia asked doubtfully.
“Adam Goodwin,” Bonnie said smugly.
“Well, he doesn’t bug me, like the way Sean and Josh bug you. They can’t even take you seriously, whereas Adam can talk seriously with me.” Bonnie looked at Sophia incredulously. Sophia inhaled and spoke louder, “and anyway, I hardly know him. He’s not even a friend. And another thing, that’s not the point. We’re talking about you,” Sophia defended. Bonnie raised her eyebrows and a small smile formed on her lips.
“Now don’t you go teasing me and acting like Josh and Sean!”
“I wasn’t. Honest. I’m just curious that’s all. I’ve just seen him hanging around you a lot lately.”
“Sitting at lunch together a few days in a row is not a lot.”
“I don’t know, I just don’t think he wants to just be your acquaintance for long.”
“Ok, we’re even now, I gave you unwanted advice and then you gave me some.”
“That’s what best friends are for, duh.” And they both laughed.
“Hey I heard my name! What are you saying about me? Eh?” said Sean as he sauntered over. Bonnie gave her a look like, take care of this for me, and she rushed over to her truck.
“Oh, Sean, you crack me up! ” Sophia said slapping her knee sarcastically. “You must be hearing things, but no time to talk now, gotta get to band, you know,” said Sophia locking eyes with Bonnie. “Well, we’ll see yah. Come on Annie,” said Sophia as she jumped into her mini-van and shut the door before Sean could reply.
Sean stood there disgruntled that he had somehow lost an opportunity to tease. Bonnie jumped into her baby blue truck and pulled out of the parking lot, smiling at Sophia in thanks. Annie pulled herself away from her best friend Melissa.
“I’ll call you” Melissa said.
“No I’ll call you at 3:30 and we can start our party planning” said Annie.
“Yes!” they both exclaimed.
“Oh, and let’s discuss if we should do skulls or bats hanging from the chandelier. Think about it!
“I will. I can’t wait!” Melissa said climbing into the car with her brother Josh.
At the end of English class, Sophia found herself thinking about Adam and wondering if she would see him today at lunch. She felt an unexpected thrill as she wondered what their conversation might be about today. What am I thinking, she asked herself. I don’t even know him, and I highly doubt he’s my type anyway.
As she entered the cafeteria and looked toward the designated band area of tables, she didn’t see Adam there. He’s probably not here yet, she thought. Her immediate feeling of disappointment surprised her. Get over it, she thought. She decided to buy her lunch so she got in line. Her mind began zoning out when a voice whispered in her ear, sending chills down her spine.
“Hey, stranger.” Sophia jumped and turned around. It was Adam.
“Why do you keep sneaking up on me like that?
“I’m not trying to sneak up on you. You’re just so lost in thought you didn’t notice me. So what are you thinking about?”
“Nothing. . . I mean, never mind. I didn’t think you normally bought cafeteria lunch. Why are you in line?”
“Just to bug you.”
“Oh thanks”
“No, I thought I’d try their hamburgers today.”
“Yeah they are actually not too bad. I think they make their own hamburger buns. Mickey D’s can’t beat that.”
They both bought their lunch and Adam followed her to the band table where he sat across from her again.
“So why are you sitting at the band table again? I thought you were a floater?”
“I am but I guess I just feel comfortable here,” he said looking into her eyes. Well at least one of us is comfortable, she thought. She breathed a sigh of relief, as she noticed Bonnie coming over.
“Hey Bonnie , come sit by us today.”
“Hey how’s it going? She said sitting down.
“Good”
“I can only stay a few minutes. I’m meeting with my English teacher about my essay.” There was an awkward silence as they all began to eat. And Sophia wondered if Bonnie and Adam would get along.
“So are you going to young women’s tonight? Bonnie asked Sophia between bites of food. “You better, or I’ll be the only one there.”
“Yeah. Of course. I am the Laurel president, I have to be there! Said Sophia, eyeing Adam.
“What’s young womens’?” asked Adam. Sophia dreaded this would happen.
“It’s a church thing. Bonnie and I go to the same church,” said Sophia hesitantly. She was not liking where this conversation was going. And then the questions of religion came.
“So are you like Baptist then?” Adam asked. Bonnie snickered. Sophia waited hoping Bonnie would answer this one.
Bonnie took the lead, “Heck no! . . .we belong to the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints,” she said proudly. At least one of them didn’t shy away from the religious questions.
“Oh. . . Did you say the Church of Christ?”
“No, that’s a different church.”
“Oh, still doesn’t ring a bell.”
“Or you could call us Mormons” interjected Sophia uncomfortably.
Before Adam could ask any weird questions, Bonnie continued, “And no, we don’t grow horns on our heads.” Sophia dropped her face into her hands embarrassingly.
“I thought Mormons couldn’t drive cars or use electricity. You seem pretty normal if you ask me.”
“We try to blend in even if we grow tails that we cut off at the age of 12,” said Bonnie stifling a laugh.
“Ok I get it, you’re not weird,” Adam assured her. Bonnie stopped to look at her watch.
“Well, I gotta go now, we’ll see yah,” said Bonnie as she stuffed two last bites of fries into her mouth and headed out of the cafeteria.
Sophia uncovered her face and replied,“Yeah see yah,” wondering if it was a relief or not to have Bonnie gone.
Sophia really wanted to revert the focus away from herself, and so she asked Adam, “So do you go to church?”
“No, my mom does.”
“Where does she go?”
“She’s Presbyterian.”
“Oh, and you?”
“No, I’m atheist,” he replied understatedly. Sophia didn’t know what to say. “It doesn’t ring a bell to you?” Adam asked.
“Yeah it does. It’s just. . . have you always been atheist?”
“No, I guess when I was little I was what my mom was.
“So what changed?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Oh, sorry.”
“It’s ok. It’s just some bad things happened, and I decided Presbyterianism wasn’t for me, that’s all.”
“But atheist. You don’t even think there’s a God that exists?”
“How could a God exist with so much bad stuff happening in the world?” Adam asked skeptically. Sophia blinked. She had never thought about that before. Yeah, bad stuff was happening all around her, but not towards her. Her life was pretty good, compared to most.
All she could muster was “I don’t know why exactly.”
“If there really is a God, he wouldn’t let such bad stuff happen.”
Sophia looked into Adam’s eyes. His brown eyes seemed almost black to her. A slight crease formed between his dark eyebrows, as if he was concentrating on holding some tangible pain back from his consciousness. She felt a sudden instinct to comfort him, but fear overruled.
Adam looked down caught up in his unknown desperate thoughts. She wondered what could have happened to shake his faith so much to not even believe a God exists. She was too afraid to even explore the possibilities.
She pretended to be interested in her hamburger and bit into it like she had suddenly realized she was starving. She stole glances at Adam who was drowning his fries in ketchup.
Then an epiphany came to her in that instant. He’s searching for something, she thought. He wants answers. I’ve got answers, the Church has answers. She contemplated what she would say next, debating if she should invite him to the next youth activity or to just hand him a pass- along card next time she saw him, and be done with the topic. Then, the bell rang breaking her train of thought, and relieving her of her missionary duties for the day.
Sophia jumped up a little too anxiously and said, “Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Yeah,” Adam replied perfunctorily, not even looking up to say ‘bye’.
The next hour, Sophia sat in her chemistry class, feeling guilty with no explanation. Why was she feeling guilty? She didn’t do anything wrong. Did she accidentally look at Adam weirdly when he told her he was atheist? Was she not sympathetic enough when he gave his brief explanation for his religious affiliation, or rather unaffiliation? Was he mad at her for not giving him an educated answer to his question of why God would let bad things happen to good people? Up till now, he seemed amazed by Sophia and everything that came out of her mouth. Maybe he was disappointed by her now. She felt a bit ashamed. She glanced over Bonnie’s shoulder hoping she had been taking notes. She couldn’t concentrate, especially on chemistry.
That night after dinner, it was Sophia’s turn to help her mother, Jane, with dishes and kitchen cleanup. As she rinsed and loaded glasses and plates into the dishwasher, her mind continued to mull over her conversation with Adam that day. She felt like she needed to do something about it, but she wasn’t sure what. Like she had an itch but couldn’t find where to scratch. Jane noticed Sophia’s unusual silence, as she put food into the refrigerator. She pulled some steel wool from a drawer and began scrubbing off the black on the bottom of a pan.
“No matter how careful I am, how I stir constantly, I can’t seem to keep milk from burning! You would think I would learn not to cook milk at all over the stove. Note to self, only use a can of condensed milk,” Jane decided, half talking to herself.”
“Yeah,” Sophia replied absentmindedly.
“So how was your day?” Jane asked not looking up, but pretending to concentrate only on her scrubbing.
“Fine” Sophia said idly swirling some water in a glass.
“Learn anything new?” the common tongue in cheek question.
“I guess.”
“Like what?” she asked lightly.
“Like how awkward it is to talk about the Church at school.”
“How did. . . that. . . come up?” Jane asked straining as she put more muscle into her scrubbing. Sophia sighed and wondered if she was up to this conversation with her mom. She slowly put a glass into the top rack.
“I have this friend, er, this guy I know was talking to me about religion today,” Sophia began.
“Oh really, was he asking questions about the Church?” Jane asked, intrigued.
“Kind of. It kind of came up as Bonnie and I were talking about young women’s tonight.”
“Did you end up having to tell him about your beliefs?”
“Not much, mostly just clearing up misunderstandings, but didn’t get much further than that. Sophia paused, contemplating her next words, then continued, “the weird thing is I think I was more surprised by our conversation than he was.
Why?
He told me he was atheist. Sophia paused.
“Interesting,” Jane said. Sophia glanced at her mom for a moment. She could see a glisten in her mom’s eyes, hoping to hear all the details. Fortunately Jane wasn’t pressing her for more info, so Sophia continued.
“And he said he couldn’t believe that a God exists who allows bad things to happen, especially to good people. So he’s chosen to not even believe in a higher being at all. He kept asking me how could a God exist with so much bad stuff happening in the world? I didn’t know what to say. I guess it made me feel kind of stupid.”
“No, you are very smart my dear, you just weren’t prepared to answer such a difficult question. .
“I’d never really thought about why bad things happen to good people, and how God allows such bad stuff to happen. In a way I felt lucky to have a great life, but selfish for not even realizing or thinking about why crappy stuff happens to others. How did I get so lucky?”
I think it’s more like you’ve been blessed. Bad things happen for many reasons Soph’.
I know, but why has my life been so good?
Your life hasn’t been all sunshine and roses either. Remember just a year ago when we first moved here? Sophia recalled her first day of tenth grade in a new school.
That was as fun as sitting in a box full of worms.
But you are fine now, I hope.” Jane leaned forward to look in Sophia’s face.
Yeah.
So how did you get through it?
I don’t know, just time I guess.
But you knew it would get better.
Yeah, ‘cause I knew it couldn’t get any worse.
So you had hope that things would get better?
Sure. So what are you getting at?
I’m just saying that you have found a way to be happy amid your trials. It’s called positive attitude, and more specifically, faith, hope, and charity.
I never thought of it like that.
I think you do a pretty good job of keeping a positive attitude, dear. Maybe this boy sees that part of you and wonders how you do it.
Maybe, Sophia sighed, I just don’t know what to say to him. It’s not like I can just tell him to have faith in God. He’s chosen not to.
True, but you can show him how having that faith has made you happier even in the midst of affliction. It could be as simple as showing him the brighter side of things.
I just don’t want to sound trite, though.
You won’t. And he might even appreciate it.
How does that answer his question of why bad things happen to good people?
That’s a tough one to answer to one who has no faith.
I know. I can’t even imagine not believing in God or Jesus Christ. I think I would be just as miserable.
I know what you mean. So that boy is looking to you for an answer. Do you have any ideas?
I’m not sure. My palms start sweating just thinking about what to say. What do you think?
Take it to the Lord
You mean I should pray about it? Sophia scoffed.
Sure!
Sophia rolled her eyes. “Praying about Adam, that’s so weird.”
You never know. But don’t get too worked up over this. Sometimes it’s best to just keep it simple. Maybe start out by inviting Adam to a church activity or something.” Jane glanced at the clock. “Oh, look at the time, we’ve gotta get going,” she said, switching modes and throwing down her towel.
Don’t forget your books, we're working on personal progress tonight . And could you call Annie Sophia? Jane babbled, in an obvious rush, as she went to gather her bags. She was second counselor in teh Young Women's presdiency, which Jane thought convenient for interacting with her teenage daughters.
“Annie! It’s time to go!” yelled Sophia as she walked down the hall. It was almost pointless yelling, it wasn’t like Annie could hear her over her flute practicing anyway.
That night after family scripture study, Sophia escaped to her room to think about her day, about her conversation with Adam, and her mom’s explanations. Now it was up to her to decide what she was willing to do. She plopped onto her unmade bed and stared at her wall calendar.
There was a combined ym/yw activity next Wednesday night. She could invite him to that one, she thought, but then what if he’s uncomfortable about going to something even remotely churchy, and says no? What then? She wasn’t prepared for ‘no’ as an answer right now and she didn’t want to have to be persuasive or pushy, that was just not who she was.
What if she invited him to something non religious to start out with but all her Mormon friends would be there? Yeah, then she could see how well he accepts her friends and their standards. Perfect, she thought, she and Annie would be hosting a party next week, and she could invite Adam to that, with no religious pressure whatsoever. She smiled feeling that her decision had been made.
Then, another thought occurred to her, what would her friends think of him? Would they be friendly to him, or dismiss him as some freak? Maybe if she prepared both sides ahead of time, they could all at least pretend to be friends for one night.
Friends, she thought. Adam wasn’t friends with any of her friends. He wouldn’t know anyone but her. She would feel obligated to entertain him all evening and she hardly even knew him herself. What was she thinking, she sighed and tossed herself back on her bed. She rubbed her eyes. The poor guy has no clue she’s scheming and planning his life for him. Give it up! Sophia exclaimed.
She sat up, remembering what her mother had suggested. “The Holy Ghost could help guide you in your missionary efforts.” Ok, maybe she could slip in a little extra request during her prayers to help her with her missionary efforts. She decided to kneel down and say her prayers and get it over with. Afterward, she opened her eyes. She felt peaceful as she sat back down on her bed.
Friends, she thought again. Just be friends with him. That’s it. Just get to know him and be a good example to him. Well, that’ll be easy, I’m already doing that.
“So, as a friend, I think I will invite Adam to the Halloween party” she said aloud to herself. “Sheesh, I sometimes make things harder than they already are,” she murmured.
Knock knock!
Who is it?
It’s Lucas.
Sophia ran over and opened her door.
Did you say something to me?
“No. I didn’t say anything.” Sophia smiled.
“Yes you did.”
“I did?” she asked covering her mouth.
“Yeah, something about a party.”
Oh. . um, yeah.
Were you talking to someone about it?
No, I was talking out loud to myself. Sophia sheepishly admitted.
Were you planning the Halloween party? Lucas’ eyes lit up.
Yeah! Just deciding on the details, what refreshments to have, who to invite, that sort of stuff.
I get to come don’t I? I am in seventh grade now you know. Old enough for school dances.
Um, sure, just act mature and you’ll be fine, though that hasn’t been too hard for you yet.
Thanks Sophia, Lucas replied grinning and turning to leave but then stopping midstep.
“Oh, and is that normal?”
What?
Talking out loud to yourself.
Oh….Of course! I mean…. at least for me it is. It helps me make decisions. I just talk out loud, in privacy, mind you, and it helps me make sense of things that seem so jumbled in my head.
Hmm, I should try that with my math homework sometime. My math has been much harder this year. Maybe if I read the problems out loud, the answers will come to me.”
You’re funny, Lucas.
What did I do?
“Oh nothing,” Sophia said messing up his hair. “Goodnight.”
“Goodnight,” said Lucas smoothing his hair back down.
Sophia shut the door and whispered, “Next time, I need to talk out loud a little more quietly.”
Chapter 2 Adam
Chapter 2
A week went by. Sophia buried herself in schoolwork and band practices and prayed that time would pass by quickly. The quicker it did, the quicker her heart would heal.
The third period bell rang, which startled Sophia as she exited the world of Jane Austen. Mrs. Lawrence spoke over the rising classroom noise. “Don’t forget, your final drafts of your essays on a female author are due on Halloween. That makes it easy for you to remember to get your essays turned in on time. Halloween, two weeks from today! Don’t forget or an automatic ten points are docked from the final grade. Have a great weekend!”
Mrs. Lawrence knew just how to spoil a student’s fun. Sophia wondered if Mrs. Lawrence was the kind of teacher who assigned homework over Christmas break also.
She picked up her books and headed to the cafeteria. As she headed down the hallway, she noticed little purple paper bats, and orange angry jackolanterns dangling on thin strings, precariously hung from paper clips poked into the ceiling panels. Indiscernible webs covered dark corners. She wouldn’t be surprised if they were real. Glittery banners stating things like “Happy Halloween” and “Have a Spooktacular Day” draped the walls above the lockers. She smiled despite their cheesy, elementary-school decorations. At least all the orange decorations matched the school colors of orange and white, going perfectly with the hideous orange painted lockers lining the corridors.
After she bought her lunch, she found an empty space at the end of one long table filled with band members. It didn’t matter where you sat with the band kids. They were pretty accepting of people, mostly because a large amount of them got teased for being in band. Oh well, she thought, we’re proud of our musical talent despite the goofy cumber buns and plumes we have to wear during marching season she chuckled to herself.
“Hey Bonnie,” she said noticing her best friend sitting at the booth adjacent to the long table.
“I tried to save you a spot at this table, but Josh and Sean don’t know any decency or how to respect women!” Bonnie explained, scowling at the two smirking boys sitting at her booth.
“C’mon you know you love us,” oozed Josh who had his leg propped up on the bench across from her.
“No she doesn’t, jerk. She’s my girlfriend right, Bonnie? So give up the act,” said Sean cornering Bonnie in the booth and attempting to slyly place his arm around her in a fake yawn.
“I’m regretting the day in seminary when I publicly announced I had sworn off boys. No matter what I do, they don’t seem to take the hint! Bonnie said trying to push Sean away.
Sophia laughed, “yeah that probably wasn’t the best idea.”
“What do you mean? I always thought if a girl says she hates boys, she really means that she loves em. I’m getting the hint just fine,” said Josh raising his eyebrows and smooching the air towards Bonnie.
“You guys give her a break already will you?’
“Not until you announce at the beginning of seminary like Bonnie that you’ve sworn off boys too. We can’t live without making someone’s life miserable!” said Josh.
“I think I’ll pass,” said Sophia sitting down at the long table. She looked up and noticed a complete stranger sitting right across from her.
“Hey,” the stranger said.
“Hey” Sophia looked at him quizzically for a moment. She recognized him but she didn’t know his name. And here he was sitting across from her, like they were old friends.
“I’m Adam Goodwin, but most people call me A.D. D is short for David not deficit.” Sophia laughed as she got the joke. “You like your mashed potatoes?” he asked.
“Not really, they’re not the real kind, Sophia replied jabbing her mound of potatoes with her fork.
“Yeah with the lumpy pieces,” Adam agreed.
“Hmmm?” she mumbled as she took a sip of milk.
“Real mashed potatoes still have lumpiness to them.”
“Oh, yeah, these ones are too smooth, not real, definitely not real.”
They smiled at eachother. She noticed the dimples in his otherwise ordinary face when he smiled. She had a weakness for dimples. Jared had dimples too. She looked down before her sudden interest betrayed her. Or was it his sudden interest which made her a little uncomfortable. He seemed to think Sophia was more interesting than all these other people at the table. He couldn’t seem to take his eyes off her.
She hadn’t felt that feeling of being special to someone since Jared. She missed that feeling. There was now an empty space in her center, just waiting to be filled. The wound in her soul had not completely closed up. There was no denying to herself that she still loved him. She just mostly had to ignore her feelings. But somehow this stranger was pulling those feelings back up to the surface. Not now, she thought, I’m talking to another boy. What would she say if he asked her what she was thinking right now? She looked up at Adam, relieved to see he was still talking to her.
“I spare myself from the cafeteria food altogether.” He said sipping from his can of soda.
“It’s a conspiracy, those cafeteria ladies want us to hate the food. I think they hate their jobs that much. I would too if I had their job, especially if I had to wear one of those dumb hairnets,” he said. She smiled, playing along. She studied him with mock interest. He had a thick shock of wild and wavy black hair.
“First of all I don’t think you could tame your hair enough to get it in a hairnet,” Sophia said.
“Oh thanks,” said Adam.
“And once you did you’d fit right in with the gangster crowd. So cafeteria lady is probably not the vocation for you,” she said smugly.
“Oh thanks again. So you think I’m a bad boy huh?” Adam asked
“No, I didn’t mean that. I meant because you’re wearing black right now, you would blend in well.”
“That’s not the gangsters. That’s the Goths who wear black,” Adam said seriously.
“Well, I meant that . . .”
“Hey, I’m just giving you a hard time.”
“Oh, thanks.”
“No problem. It’s what I do best.”
“So do you consider yourself a Goth?” Sophia asked nonchalantly.
“No not really, I’m more like a floater. I like to try new things. I have friends in all sorts of groups. Like Travis here. He’s my drummer friend. Jake over there is my preppy friend. Chris who’s not in school anymore is my Goth friend, and Bonnie,” pointing to Sophia’s best friend, “is my girlfriend but it’s supposed to be a secret.”
“Yeah whatever!” She looked at Bonnie to see if she heard.
“Hey are you talking about me?” Bonnie glared. “No one talks about me behind my back. So I’ll turn around. Go ahead, what’s your name? Adam, is it?” Bonnie asked.
Sophia laughed and said, “Oh, he was just saying you’re his g. . .” She stopped abruptly, noticing Bonnie’s mood obviously had switched from slightly bothered/amused to ready to blow up at the next thing that blinked the wrong way.
“I meant good acquaintance was all,” Adam said feigning innocence.
“That doesn’t surprise me. Guys never have anything important to say to us girls. It’s all about sports, or how well they play the drums, or when they’re going to get together and play Xbox again or who’s gettin’ the next swirly. Pathetic if you ask me. Pathetic!” Bonnie spat, and bits of food flew out of her mouth onto Josh’s shirt sitting across from her. The two guys at her booth looked at eachother, their smiles wiped straight. She wasn’t playing funny anymore they thought with knowing glances.
Sean mouthed “PMS.”
“What was that Sean?” Bonnie glared.
“Uh. . . nothin’ Well, I gotta go now, Josh said quickly easing out of the booth.
“Yeah, we’ll, um, we’ll see yah, Bonnie,” said Sean and the two of them took off.
Bonnie looked at Sophia, her evil eyes melted away into a careless grin. “Aaaah, finally some peace. Now, what was it I just did to get those buggers to leave?” Sophia relaxed and grinned.
“Um, I think it had something to do with their pride, or complete confusion” Sophia smirked.
“Great, I’ll have to remember that more often!” and Bonnie turned back around to pull out an unfinished essay to work on.
“Wow, she’s a piece of work. Is she your friend?” asked Adam.
“Yeah, actually best friend.”
“So she’s really sworn off guys huh? Is that a requirement to be part of your club?”
“Club? No it’s just Bonnie.”
“So you haven’t sworn off guys, or boyfriends have you?
“No,” Sophia said looking at him quizzically.
“Soooo. . . speaking of girlfriends and boyfriends, do you have one?” Adam asked, looking straight into Sophia’s eyes. That was quite a direct question, Sophia thought, but she thought she’d play along, it was all a game right?
“A girlfriend or a boyfriend? Hmmm well, Bonnie’s my girlfriend, or actually best friend. Boyfriend is an ambiguous word. What do you mean by boyfriend?”
He had a smirk on his face. He leaned forward on his elbows and clasped his palms together. He looked straight into her eyes.
“You know what I mean.” She rolled her eyes and admitted herself.
“Well, actually no, but I’m happily independent,” she replied, realizing that was a half truth. Hadn’t Jared just dumped her in a letter last week? She suddenly felt very self conscious. She was not doing well at playing his game.
Adam sensed she was uncomfortable. “Sorry, I can be blunt sometimes. As I said, giving people a hard time is what I do! Maybe you could teach me the art of good manners.”
“Are you serious? I’ve never met a guy who wanted to learn good manners.”
“You seem to be an expert on behaving well.”
“What do you mean? How do you know?”
“You just seem like a goody goody.”
“You know that has a negative connotation. Nobody wants to be called that.”
“I mean, you just seem like a ‘good girl.’”
“Oh, that’s not much better. You don’t know if I’m just a bad girl underneath.”
“I think that would be hard to believe, you’re always smiling. Nice to everyone, and there’s something about your eyes that’s different.
“Oh, yes, my eyes. Along with being a bad girl underneath my goody outer shell, I also have X-ray vision. Palease.”
“No I’m serious. You have amazing eyes, I can’t get enough of them. That was the first thing I noticed about you.
She looked at him incredulously. She had never heard a boy tell her that, not even her ex boyfriend Jared. He had a straight face this time and he was staring into her eyes, as if trying to uncover the mystery behind them. She felt the heat rising to her cheeks.
“So,” she said, looking away and tapping her fork on the tray, “do you like or hate good girls? Since I am one, I have to know upfront.”
“Oh don’t worry, I like good girls, he said with a smile edging back onto his face.
“Um ok.”
“What?”
“You just don’t seem like the type,” she said observing his black Rage Against the Machine t-shirt, the skull earring in his left ear, and, she would never mention this to him, but there was something different about his eyes too. It was as if she were staring into two pools in the dark, not able to see but a shimmer covering endless deepness.
“What do you mean? You think I’m a bad boy huh?” he asked looking hurt. “So you’re turning the name calling back to me huh?”
“Um no, I’m sorry. You know it’s my pet peeve when people make prejudgments about me but then I turn right around and judge everyone around me. I am a hypocrite, I’m so sorry,” Sophia apologized.
“See, there you go.”
“What?”
“You seem to have an objective view of yourself. Like you are able to take a step away from yourself to see what you are doing right or wrong. Like you’re self conscious of right and wrong. The rest of us are just self-conscious.” He seemed to be somewhat amazed by her at this point.
“Oh. Well, I’m just self conscious too.” And realizing she was saying just how she felt at that moment, made her blush crimson.
The lunch bell rang and Sophia jumped up startled. “Um I’ve gotta get to my Chemistry class, theres’ a pop quiz today.” She grabbed her tray to leave.
I’d still like to learn the art of, what is it called, etiquette. I still want to learn how you do it. How you pull off the goody goody act,” Adam asked.
“You can’t be serious.”
“I can, if I get to see you again.”
She raised an eyebrow. “We’ll see.”
“I’ll be waiting for your answer on Monday,” see you Monday.
Ok, yeah like when was she going to see him again? This school was so big. Probably lunch. Maybe he will forget about their conversation by Monday. She didn’t know if she ever wanted to see him again. Talk about bold. That was always annoying to her. People, especially guys who were too confident in themselves, it was almost like they had some great flaw they had to hide.
She walked quickly away and met up with Bonnie and Tanya who were also heading to Chemistry.
“I saw you talking to Adam. That looked weird. Skater Dude talking to you.”
“I know. It felt weird. Not that I’m self centered or anything, but he seemed to have a strange fascination with me.”
“Yeah that’s for sure!” Bonnie agreed, “you both were so engrossed you didn’t even notice when I tried to tell you that you had some food on your chin.” Sophia grabbed her chin. “Just kidding”
Bonnie sure did have a way with people Sophia thought. She took a deep breath trying to feel composed.
“Anyway, you seem to know Adam. What’s he like?”
“I don’t really know him. I just hear of him.”
“Oh, what do you hear, good stuff or bad stuff, or just ordinary stuff,” she said trying not to sound too interested.
“Oh well, do you remember Chris Crosswood?”
“No, but he did mention his name. He said he dropped out of school or something?”
“Yeah he was known as the biggest druggy in school, that is, until he dropped out last year. He was probably too stoned to ever do any studying, she said tragically.
“Anyway, the two of them, Chris and Adam were always hanging out together, and probably ditching out together.”
Bonnie opened the clanking locker door the two girls shared, and pulled out a binder.
“According to Bonnie’s life instruction book, those guys are losers with a capital L,” said Bonnie holding her thumb and finger up in the shape of an L on her forehead.
He didn’t seem too bad to her, she thought as they headed off to chemistry, except maybe in appearance, but otherwise he seemed pretty average. She did wonder in the back of her mind if Adam was into drugs but she didn’t want to make prejudgments about him. She subconsciously decided to give him more time before she just blew him off.
Monday, at the end of lunch, Sophia realized that Adam wasn’t around at all. Some people like to just talk, she thought, maybe that’s how Adam was. He talked on Friday like he was so sure he would be talking with her on Monday, Sophia almost expected it. Oh well, now she knew, he wasn’t a man of his word. So she chose to forget about him.
The following Tuesday after English Lit., Sophia, headed to the library to check out a couple books on stem cell research for her debate class, before heading to lunch. Their first real class debate would be coming up on Friday and she wanted to be prepared for the onslaught on the side she would be taking on the issue. So here she was at the dungeon of the school, simultaneously dusting and opening each book she touched in her last minute attempts at attaining the required five library sources.
She sat down cross legged on the repulsive orange industrial carpet that smelled of a thousand years of teenage feet. As she stared at the spines of several dusty books on a shelf, she felt a light tap on her shoulder, so light, she thought she imagined it. She ignored it and began to pull a book down. Another tap. She turned her head and jumped as she noticed a pair of Vans that had magically appeared beside her.
She looked up to see black baggy jeans garnered by a long chain leading to a deep pocket filled by a pale hand, a Black Sabbath t-shirt, a slight smile framed by dimples, deep set eyes, and unruly hair.
“Oh. Hi Adam” she said a little too loudly, as she attempted to stand up, but dropping her notebook. Adam quickly picked up her notebook.
“Sorry I wasn’t at school yesterday. But I’m back today. Now where did we leave off?” he asked.
“Um,” she replied trying to remember. Adam looked down at Sophia’s notebook in his hands.
“Adult Stem cells versus Embryonic Stem Cells, he read, as he flipped through her notebook as if it were his own. Very interesting. A highly controversial issue, so I’ve heard. You like a challenge then don’t you?”
“I don’t know. I thought it might be easier because I know my opinion on the subject, or I thought I did.”
“So what is currently your opinion on stem cells?”
“You really want to know?”
“Yeah, show me how your mind works.”
Sophia blinked at him who took her off guard. She looked down at her notebook in his hands.
“Well. . .” she took a deep breath, “initially I was against the idea of stem cell research because they do more harm than good. The only way I thought you could retrieve stem cells was from an aborted fetus. Which I am against, by the way. . .”
“Against what, abortion or fetuses?”
“Huh? Abortion, of course.”
“I’m just kidding, I know what you mean. Go on,” Adam encouraged amusingly.
“You really want to hear about this, Sophia asked uncertainly.”
“Yes, I do, it’s a habit to joke, even if I’m seriously listening. Seriously, go on.”
“Ok, if you insist.”
“I insist,” he said wiping the smile from his face. Sophia smiled and shook her head. He held his straight face.
“Ok” she said slowly, “anyway, I learned that there are several types of stem cells, and embryonic are the only type that are controversial, mostly because an embryo must be created and then destroyed to harvest the stem cells, wheras, the adult stem cells can be retrieved from the umbilical cord from a live baby after it is born. This causes no pain to either mother or child. So then I was reading about the healing stories as a result of harvesting stem cells and. . .”
Sophia stopped and looked at Adam for a response, worrying that he could care less about this subject.” He nodded his head for her to continue. “So anyway I’m supposed to prepare an argument against stem cell research, but the more I work on this assignment, the more I’m persuaded to support it. So it’s getting harder by the minute, you know what I mean? Oh, nevermind. I can tell this is boring you to death.” She paused and stared at him. He stood just staring at her with a slight smile. Sophia said, “you haven’t said anything for like two minutes.”
“It’s ‘cause I’m speechless. You continue to amaze me, you rock in music, you have amazing eyes, you’re nice, and now smart. What surprise will you come up with next?’ Adam said amazed.
“Oh please,” she said placing a loose strand of brown hair behind her ear. “This is for my debate class. We are having our first real class debate this Friday. I really want to be prepared. I’m not exactly the best arguer. There are some real persuasive kids in my class.”
“So why are you taking debate; I thought it was an elective,” Adam said handing her notebook back. She noticed his hand brushed hers for a split second in the exchange.
“Um, my dad said I should take debate to learn to state my views better and to strengthen my public speaking skills.”
“Wow, your Dad told you to? I don’t know too many Dads like that.”
“Yeah, he cares a lot about my education and grades and stuff.”
“So your dad thinks you need to learn how to state your opinion?”
“I guess I need to practice stating my opinions openly and with sound evidence. I’m not the best at stating my views, especially when there’s a stronger voice in the room. I tend to keep my mouth shut. I guess being verbally persuasive is a better description of what I lack. I guess I have a hard time making decisions too.”
“You seemed to tell me pretty well, just now, what your opinion is.”
“I did?”
“Yah, it’s like you couldn’t seem to stop either.”
“Well, maybe you’re just a good listener. I never do well, when there’s a louder personality in the room.”
“And I’m not loud!?” Adam asked raising his voice and holding out his arms?
“Ssshhhh! We’re in the library!” she said looking around, and noticing almost no one else in the library but the librarian, who eyed them suspiciously from behind her romance novel.
“I’m just kidding, I know what you mean. But I think you’re wrong.”
“What do you mean?
“Well you may not think you say your views very well, but you state them well in other ways, even to the point of persuading.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know, like your actions I guess. You’re somewhat mysterious in that way to me.”
“Who me?”
“Yeah. I’m curious to know what it is that makes you do what you do.”
“Oh.” Adam made her speechless, and the red began to quickly color her cheeks. This conversation was quickly turning serious. Sophia wasn’t sure she wanted to go there. There was a long pause. Sophia began nervously ruffling through her notebook.
Adam punched his palm and swore, piercing the dead air with his words.
“I’m such a freaking loser. I haven’t been here more than ten minutes and already you think I’m a crazed maniac stalker. I should take a hint when I see one. I’ll let you be. See yah ‘round.” Adam turned and quickly dragged his feet away.
“Wait!”, Sophia, who was almost floored by his sudden reaction, scrambled to pick up her books. The librarian slammed down her book, displeased. “Sorry,” Sophia whispered to her and ran to catch up to Adam. He stopped outside the doors and turned around surprised.
“I don’t think you’re a loser.” Sophia said as they walked toward the cafeteria.
“It’s ok, you don’t have to make me feel better. I’m sorry it’s just a bad day,” he said.
“I’m sorry,” she said.
“Yeah.” He looked up into her face and his mood slowly lightened again.
She was becoming more curious about Adam by the minute. “So what brought you to the library today?” She hoped he hadn’t just followed her here. That would start to get a little weird.
“My English class was in the library today,” Adam said. Sophia eyed him suspiciously. “No I didn’t follow you in here. Now that would be a real loser. I don’t stoop that low. We were working on research papers. Whoo hoo!”
“Yeah really. It seems all English teachers are thinking alike, they want to assign research papers even before the first semester is over with.”
“Yeah really. But I suck at writing.”
“I don’t think it’s that easy for anyone, even the best writers probably have to spend a lot of time making their work perfect.
“But I really hate writing.”
“I do too. It’s really hard. But I’ve realized it’s way more fun to write about something you think is cool. I don’t know like hobbies or something.”
“Like I have any.”
“Well, you seem to have a certain taste in music.”
What? Compare and contrast alternative band lyrics? I laugh just picturing my teacher fainting from reading all the cuss words in my paper. . . That might be worth it!”
They arrived at the cafeteria already full of students eating and milling around. It wasn’t a particularly large room, her class of 2008 was only 250 students. So it seemed everyone knew eachother, and gossiped about eachother. She started to move toward the buffet area to move out of the line of eyes of friends at the band table. Second time being seen in public with Adam. They probably looked weird standing next to eachother. Goody-goody girl with goth guy, or whatever he was.
“Well, I’m gonna get some great cafeteria food!” Sophia said sarcastically.
“Yeah ok we’ll see yah,” Adam said. She watched him walk over to the vending machines and buy a pop and chips. I don’t know how anyone can live off of sugar water and grease, she thought, and then observed the cafeteria menu of fruit cocktail and pizza, and decided they were both equal.
Sophia sighed in relief that no one had seen them together as she watched him sit down at a nearly full table. She wasn’t in the mood to answer any taunting questions today about her choice in acquaintences. Though, she didn’t really choose him, he chose her. Anyway, she was also glad that Adam hadn’t pestered her about her so-called goody-goody act. It made her really uncomfortable talking about her religious beliefs with anyone. She knew that’s what he meant. She didn’t know too many people who were so-called goody-goody, who weren’t religious in her school unless they were super smart, and getting over 4.0’s per semester. She knew she wasn’t the latter. That was obvious, she was barely getting by with a C in American History, and the rest were a mixture of A’s and B’s. She didn’t go around flaunting her intelligence either, except for the recent spectacle Adam just coaxed from her about her debate topic. Anyhow she looked at it, he was trying to uncover the goodness she possessed, and if she let him, she would have to open up about her religion. She cringed at the thought. She preferred to show her religious beliefs by her actions than ever tell anyone that she was a Mormon.
A week went by. Sophia buried herself in schoolwork and band practices and prayed that time would pass by quickly. The quicker it did, the quicker her heart would heal.
The third period bell rang, which startled Sophia as she exited the world of Jane Austen. Mrs. Lawrence spoke over the rising classroom noise. “Don’t forget, your final drafts of your essays on a female author are due on Halloween. That makes it easy for you to remember to get your essays turned in on time. Halloween, two weeks from today! Don’t forget or an automatic ten points are docked from the final grade. Have a great weekend!”
Mrs. Lawrence knew just how to spoil a student’s fun. Sophia wondered if Mrs. Lawrence was the kind of teacher who assigned homework over Christmas break also.
She picked up her books and headed to the cafeteria. As she headed down the hallway, she noticed little purple paper bats, and orange angry jackolanterns dangling on thin strings, precariously hung from paper clips poked into the ceiling panels. Indiscernible webs covered dark corners. She wouldn’t be surprised if they were real. Glittery banners stating things like “Happy Halloween” and “Have a Spooktacular Day” draped the walls above the lockers. She smiled despite their cheesy, elementary-school decorations. At least all the orange decorations matched the school colors of orange and white, going perfectly with the hideous orange painted lockers lining the corridors.
After she bought her lunch, she found an empty space at the end of one long table filled with band members. It didn’t matter where you sat with the band kids. They were pretty accepting of people, mostly because a large amount of them got teased for being in band. Oh well, she thought, we’re proud of our musical talent despite the goofy cumber buns and plumes we have to wear during marching season she chuckled to herself.
“Hey Bonnie,” she said noticing her best friend sitting at the booth adjacent to the long table.
“I tried to save you a spot at this table, but Josh and Sean don’t know any decency or how to respect women!” Bonnie explained, scowling at the two smirking boys sitting at her booth.
“C’mon you know you love us,” oozed Josh who had his leg propped up on the bench across from her.
“No she doesn’t, jerk. She’s my girlfriend right, Bonnie? So give up the act,” said Sean cornering Bonnie in the booth and attempting to slyly place his arm around her in a fake yawn.
“I’m regretting the day in seminary when I publicly announced I had sworn off boys. No matter what I do, they don’t seem to take the hint! Bonnie said trying to push Sean away.
Sophia laughed, “yeah that probably wasn’t the best idea.”
“What do you mean? I always thought if a girl says she hates boys, she really means that she loves em. I’m getting the hint just fine,” said Josh raising his eyebrows and smooching the air towards Bonnie.
“You guys give her a break already will you?’
“Not until you announce at the beginning of seminary like Bonnie that you’ve sworn off boys too. We can’t live without making someone’s life miserable!” said Josh.
“I think I’ll pass,” said Sophia sitting down at the long table. She looked up and noticed a complete stranger sitting right across from her.
“Hey,” the stranger said.
“Hey” Sophia looked at him quizzically for a moment. She recognized him but she didn’t know his name. And here he was sitting across from her, like they were old friends.
“I’m Adam Goodwin, but most people call me A.D. D is short for David not deficit.” Sophia laughed as she got the joke. “You like your mashed potatoes?” he asked.
“Not really, they’re not the real kind, Sophia replied jabbing her mound of potatoes with her fork.
“Yeah with the lumpy pieces,” Adam agreed.
“Hmmm?” she mumbled as she took a sip of milk.
“Real mashed potatoes still have lumpiness to them.”
“Oh, yeah, these ones are too smooth, not real, definitely not real.”
They smiled at eachother. She noticed the dimples in his otherwise ordinary face when he smiled. She had a weakness for dimples. Jared had dimples too. She looked down before her sudden interest betrayed her. Or was it his sudden interest which made her a little uncomfortable. He seemed to think Sophia was more interesting than all these other people at the table. He couldn’t seem to take his eyes off her.
She hadn’t felt that feeling of being special to someone since Jared. She missed that feeling. There was now an empty space in her center, just waiting to be filled. The wound in her soul had not completely closed up. There was no denying to herself that she still loved him. She just mostly had to ignore her feelings. But somehow this stranger was pulling those feelings back up to the surface. Not now, she thought, I’m talking to another boy. What would she say if he asked her what she was thinking right now? She looked up at Adam, relieved to see he was still talking to her.
“I spare myself from the cafeteria food altogether.” He said sipping from his can of soda.
“It’s a conspiracy, those cafeteria ladies want us to hate the food. I think they hate their jobs that much. I would too if I had their job, especially if I had to wear one of those dumb hairnets,” he said. She smiled, playing along. She studied him with mock interest. He had a thick shock of wild and wavy black hair.
“First of all I don’t think you could tame your hair enough to get it in a hairnet,” Sophia said.
“Oh thanks,” said Adam.
“And once you did you’d fit right in with the gangster crowd. So cafeteria lady is probably not the vocation for you,” she said smugly.
“Oh thanks again. So you think I’m a bad boy huh?” Adam asked
“No, I didn’t mean that. I meant because you’re wearing black right now, you would blend in well.”
“That’s not the gangsters. That’s the Goths who wear black,” Adam said seriously.
“Well, I meant that . . .”
“Hey, I’m just giving you a hard time.”
“Oh, thanks.”
“No problem. It’s what I do best.”
“So do you consider yourself a Goth?” Sophia asked nonchalantly.
“No not really, I’m more like a floater. I like to try new things. I have friends in all sorts of groups. Like Travis here. He’s my drummer friend. Jake over there is my preppy friend. Chris who’s not in school anymore is my Goth friend, and Bonnie,” pointing to Sophia’s best friend, “is my girlfriend but it’s supposed to be a secret.”
“Yeah whatever!” She looked at Bonnie to see if she heard.
“Hey are you talking about me?” Bonnie glared. “No one talks about me behind my back. So I’ll turn around. Go ahead, what’s your name? Adam, is it?” Bonnie asked.
Sophia laughed and said, “Oh, he was just saying you’re his g. . .” She stopped abruptly, noticing Bonnie’s mood obviously had switched from slightly bothered/amused to ready to blow up at the next thing that blinked the wrong way.
“I meant good acquaintance was all,” Adam said feigning innocence.
“That doesn’t surprise me. Guys never have anything important to say to us girls. It’s all about sports, or how well they play the drums, or when they’re going to get together and play Xbox again or who’s gettin’ the next swirly. Pathetic if you ask me. Pathetic!” Bonnie spat, and bits of food flew out of her mouth onto Josh’s shirt sitting across from her. The two guys at her booth looked at eachother, their smiles wiped straight. She wasn’t playing funny anymore they thought with knowing glances.
Sean mouthed “PMS.”
“What was that Sean?” Bonnie glared.
“Uh. . . nothin’ Well, I gotta go now, Josh said quickly easing out of the booth.
“Yeah, we’ll, um, we’ll see yah, Bonnie,” said Sean and the two of them took off.
Bonnie looked at Sophia, her evil eyes melted away into a careless grin. “Aaaah, finally some peace. Now, what was it I just did to get those buggers to leave?” Sophia relaxed and grinned.
“Um, I think it had something to do with their pride, or complete confusion” Sophia smirked.
“Great, I’ll have to remember that more often!” and Bonnie turned back around to pull out an unfinished essay to work on.
“Wow, she’s a piece of work. Is she your friend?” asked Adam.
“Yeah, actually best friend.”
“So she’s really sworn off guys huh? Is that a requirement to be part of your club?”
“Club? No it’s just Bonnie.”
“So you haven’t sworn off guys, or boyfriends have you?
“No,” Sophia said looking at him quizzically.
“Soooo. . . speaking of girlfriends and boyfriends, do you have one?” Adam asked, looking straight into Sophia’s eyes. That was quite a direct question, Sophia thought, but she thought she’d play along, it was all a game right?
“A girlfriend or a boyfriend? Hmmm well, Bonnie’s my girlfriend, or actually best friend. Boyfriend is an ambiguous word. What do you mean by boyfriend?”
He had a smirk on his face. He leaned forward on his elbows and clasped his palms together. He looked straight into her eyes.
“You know what I mean.” She rolled her eyes and admitted herself.
“Well, actually no, but I’m happily independent,” she replied, realizing that was a half truth. Hadn’t Jared just dumped her in a letter last week? She suddenly felt very self conscious. She was not doing well at playing his game.
Adam sensed she was uncomfortable. “Sorry, I can be blunt sometimes. As I said, giving people a hard time is what I do! Maybe you could teach me the art of good manners.”
“Are you serious? I’ve never met a guy who wanted to learn good manners.”
“You seem to be an expert on behaving well.”
“What do you mean? How do you know?”
“You just seem like a goody goody.”
“You know that has a negative connotation. Nobody wants to be called that.”
“I mean, you just seem like a ‘good girl.’”
“Oh, that’s not much better. You don’t know if I’m just a bad girl underneath.”
“I think that would be hard to believe, you’re always smiling. Nice to everyone, and there’s something about your eyes that’s different.
“Oh, yes, my eyes. Along with being a bad girl underneath my goody outer shell, I also have X-ray vision. Palease.”
“No I’m serious. You have amazing eyes, I can’t get enough of them. That was the first thing I noticed about you.
She looked at him incredulously. She had never heard a boy tell her that, not even her ex boyfriend Jared. He had a straight face this time and he was staring into her eyes, as if trying to uncover the mystery behind them. She felt the heat rising to her cheeks.
“So,” she said, looking away and tapping her fork on the tray, “do you like or hate good girls? Since I am one, I have to know upfront.”
“Oh don’t worry, I like good girls, he said with a smile edging back onto his face.
“Um ok.”
“What?”
“You just don’t seem like the type,” she said observing his black Rage Against the Machine t-shirt, the skull earring in his left ear, and, she would never mention this to him, but there was something different about his eyes too. It was as if she were staring into two pools in the dark, not able to see but a shimmer covering endless deepness.
“What do you mean? You think I’m a bad boy huh?” he asked looking hurt. “So you’re turning the name calling back to me huh?”
“Um no, I’m sorry. You know it’s my pet peeve when people make prejudgments about me but then I turn right around and judge everyone around me. I am a hypocrite, I’m so sorry,” Sophia apologized.
“See, there you go.”
“What?”
“You seem to have an objective view of yourself. Like you are able to take a step away from yourself to see what you are doing right or wrong. Like you’re self conscious of right and wrong. The rest of us are just self-conscious.” He seemed to be somewhat amazed by her at this point.
“Oh. Well, I’m just self conscious too.” And realizing she was saying just how she felt at that moment, made her blush crimson.
The lunch bell rang and Sophia jumped up startled. “Um I’ve gotta get to my Chemistry class, theres’ a pop quiz today.” She grabbed her tray to leave.
I’d still like to learn the art of, what is it called, etiquette. I still want to learn how you do it. How you pull off the goody goody act,” Adam asked.
“You can’t be serious.”
“I can, if I get to see you again.”
She raised an eyebrow. “We’ll see.”
“I’ll be waiting for your answer on Monday,” see you Monday.
Ok, yeah like when was she going to see him again? This school was so big. Probably lunch. Maybe he will forget about their conversation by Monday. She didn’t know if she ever wanted to see him again. Talk about bold. That was always annoying to her. People, especially guys who were too confident in themselves, it was almost like they had some great flaw they had to hide.
She walked quickly away and met up with Bonnie and Tanya who were also heading to Chemistry.
“I saw you talking to Adam. That looked weird. Skater Dude talking to you.”
“I know. It felt weird. Not that I’m self centered or anything, but he seemed to have a strange fascination with me.”
“Yeah that’s for sure!” Bonnie agreed, “you both were so engrossed you didn’t even notice when I tried to tell you that you had some food on your chin.” Sophia grabbed her chin. “Just kidding”
Bonnie sure did have a way with people Sophia thought. She took a deep breath trying to feel composed.
“Anyway, you seem to know Adam. What’s he like?”
“I don’t really know him. I just hear of him.”
“Oh, what do you hear, good stuff or bad stuff, or just ordinary stuff,” she said trying not to sound too interested.
“Oh well, do you remember Chris Crosswood?”
“No, but he did mention his name. He said he dropped out of school or something?”
“Yeah he was known as the biggest druggy in school, that is, until he dropped out last year. He was probably too stoned to ever do any studying, she said tragically.
“Anyway, the two of them, Chris and Adam were always hanging out together, and probably ditching out together.”
Bonnie opened the clanking locker door the two girls shared, and pulled out a binder.
“According to Bonnie’s life instruction book, those guys are losers with a capital L,” said Bonnie holding her thumb and finger up in the shape of an L on her forehead.
He didn’t seem too bad to her, she thought as they headed off to chemistry, except maybe in appearance, but otherwise he seemed pretty average. She did wonder in the back of her mind if Adam was into drugs but she didn’t want to make prejudgments about him. She subconsciously decided to give him more time before she just blew him off.
Monday, at the end of lunch, Sophia realized that Adam wasn’t around at all. Some people like to just talk, she thought, maybe that’s how Adam was. He talked on Friday like he was so sure he would be talking with her on Monday, Sophia almost expected it. Oh well, now she knew, he wasn’t a man of his word. So she chose to forget about him.
The following Tuesday after English Lit., Sophia, headed to the library to check out a couple books on stem cell research for her debate class, before heading to lunch. Their first real class debate would be coming up on Friday and she wanted to be prepared for the onslaught on the side she would be taking on the issue. So here she was at the dungeon of the school, simultaneously dusting and opening each book she touched in her last minute attempts at attaining the required five library sources.
She sat down cross legged on the repulsive orange industrial carpet that smelled of a thousand years of teenage feet. As she stared at the spines of several dusty books on a shelf, she felt a light tap on her shoulder, so light, she thought she imagined it. She ignored it and began to pull a book down. Another tap. She turned her head and jumped as she noticed a pair of Vans that had magically appeared beside her.
She looked up to see black baggy jeans garnered by a long chain leading to a deep pocket filled by a pale hand, a Black Sabbath t-shirt, a slight smile framed by dimples, deep set eyes, and unruly hair.
“Oh. Hi Adam” she said a little too loudly, as she attempted to stand up, but dropping her notebook. Adam quickly picked up her notebook.
“Sorry I wasn’t at school yesterday. But I’m back today. Now where did we leave off?” he asked.
“Um,” she replied trying to remember. Adam looked down at Sophia’s notebook in his hands.
“Adult Stem cells versus Embryonic Stem Cells, he read, as he flipped through her notebook as if it were his own. Very interesting. A highly controversial issue, so I’ve heard. You like a challenge then don’t you?”
“I don’t know. I thought it might be easier because I know my opinion on the subject, or I thought I did.”
“So what is currently your opinion on stem cells?”
“You really want to know?”
“Yeah, show me how your mind works.”
Sophia blinked at him who took her off guard. She looked down at her notebook in his hands.
“Well. . .” she took a deep breath, “initially I was against the idea of stem cell research because they do more harm than good. The only way I thought you could retrieve stem cells was from an aborted fetus. Which I am against, by the way. . .”
“Against what, abortion or fetuses?”
“Huh? Abortion, of course.”
“I’m just kidding, I know what you mean. Go on,” Adam encouraged amusingly.
“You really want to hear about this, Sophia asked uncertainly.”
“Yes, I do, it’s a habit to joke, even if I’m seriously listening. Seriously, go on.”
“Ok, if you insist.”
“I insist,” he said wiping the smile from his face. Sophia smiled and shook her head. He held his straight face.
“Ok” she said slowly, “anyway, I learned that there are several types of stem cells, and embryonic are the only type that are controversial, mostly because an embryo must be created and then destroyed to harvest the stem cells, wheras, the adult stem cells can be retrieved from the umbilical cord from a live baby after it is born. This causes no pain to either mother or child. So then I was reading about the healing stories as a result of harvesting stem cells and. . .”
Sophia stopped and looked at Adam for a response, worrying that he could care less about this subject.” He nodded his head for her to continue. “So anyway I’m supposed to prepare an argument against stem cell research, but the more I work on this assignment, the more I’m persuaded to support it. So it’s getting harder by the minute, you know what I mean? Oh, nevermind. I can tell this is boring you to death.” She paused and stared at him. He stood just staring at her with a slight smile. Sophia said, “you haven’t said anything for like two minutes.”
“It’s ‘cause I’m speechless. You continue to amaze me, you rock in music, you have amazing eyes, you’re nice, and now smart. What surprise will you come up with next?’ Adam said amazed.
“Oh please,” she said placing a loose strand of brown hair behind her ear. “This is for my debate class. We are having our first real class debate this Friday. I really want to be prepared. I’m not exactly the best arguer. There are some real persuasive kids in my class.”
“So why are you taking debate; I thought it was an elective,” Adam said handing her notebook back. She noticed his hand brushed hers for a split second in the exchange.
“Um, my dad said I should take debate to learn to state my views better and to strengthen my public speaking skills.”
“Wow, your Dad told you to? I don’t know too many Dads like that.”
“Yeah, he cares a lot about my education and grades and stuff.”
“So your dad thinks you need to learn how to state your opinion?”
“I guess I need to practice stating my opinions openly and with sound evidence. I’m not the best at stating my views, especially when there’s a stronger voice in the room. I tend to keep my mouth shut. I guess being verbally persuasive is a better description of what I lack. I guess I have a hard time making decisions too.”
“You seemed to tell me pretty well, just now, what your opinion is.”
“I did?”
“Yah, it’s like you couldn’t seem to stop either.”
“Well, maybe you’re just a good listener. I never do well, when there’s a louder personality in the room.”
“And I’m not loud!?” Adam asked raising his voice and holding out his arms?
“Ssshhhh! We’re in the library!” she said looking around, and noticing almost no one else in the library but the librarian, who eyed them suspiciously from behind her romance novel.
“I’m just kidding, I know what you mean. But I think you’re wrong.”
“What do you mean?
“Well you may not think you say your views very well, but you state them well in other ways, even to the point of persuading.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know, like your actions I guess. You’re somewhat mysterious in that way to me.”
“Who me?”
“Yeah. I’m curious to know what it is that makes you do what you do.”
“Oh.” Adam made her speechless, and the red began to quickly color her cheeks. This conversation was quickly turning serious. Sophia wasn’t sure she wanted to go there. There was a long pause. Sophia began nervously ruffling through her notebook.
Adam punched his palm and swore, piercing the dead air with his words.
“I’m such a freaking loser. I haven’t been here more than ten minutes and already you think I’m a crazed maniac stalker. I should take a hint when I see one. I’ll let you be. See yah ‘round.” Adam turned and quickly dragged his feet away.
“Wait!”, Sophia, who was almost floored by his sudden reaction, scrambled to pick up her books. The librarian slammed down her book, displeased. “Sorry,” Sophia whispered to her and ran to catch up to Adam. He stopped outside the doors and turned around surprised.
“I don’t think you’re a loser.” Sophia said as they walked toward the cafeteria.
“It’s ok, you don’t have to make me feel better. I’m sorry it’s just a bad day,” he said.
“I’m sorry,” she said.
“Yeah.” He looked up into her face and his mood slowly lightened again.
She was becoming more curious about Adam by the minute. “So what brought you to the library today?” She hoped he hadn’t just followed her here. That would start to get a little weird.
“My English class was in the library today,” Adam said. Sophia eyed him suspiciously. “No I didn’t follow you in here. Now that would be a real loser. I don’t stoop that low. We were working on research papers. Whoo hoo!”
“Yeah really. It seems all English teachers are thinking alike, they want to assign research papers even before the first semester is over with.”
“Yeah really. But I suck at writing.”
“I don’t think it’s that easy for anyone, even the best writers probably have to spend a lot of time making their work perfect.
“But I really hate writing.”
“I do too. It’s really hard. But I’ve realized it’s way more fun to write about something you think is cool. I don’t know like hobbies or something.”
“Like I have any.”
“Well, you seem to have a certain taste in music.”
What? Compare and contrast alternative band lyrics? I laugh just picturing my teacher fainting from reading all the cuss words in my paper. . . That might be worth it!”
They arrived at the cafeteria already full of students eating and milling around. It wasn’t a particularly large room, her class of 2008 was only 250 students. So it seemed everyone knew eachother, and gossiped about eachother. She started to move toward the buffet area to move out of the line of eyes of friends at the band table. Second time being seen in public with Adam. They probably looked weird standing next to eachother. Goody-goody girl with goth guy, or whatever he was.
“Well, I’m gonna get some great cafeteria food!” Sophia said sarcastically.
“Yeah ok we’ll see yah,” Adam said. She watched him walk over to the vending machines and buy a pop and chips. I don’t know how anyone can live off of sugar water and grease, she thought, and then observed the cafeteria menu of fruit cocktail and pizza, and decided they were both equal.
Sophia sighed in relief that no one had seen them together as she watched him sit down at a nearly full table. She wasn’t in the mood to answer any taunting questions today about her choice in acquaintences. Though, she didn’t really choose him, he chose her. Anyway, she was also glad that Adam hadn’t pestered her about her so-called goody-goody act. It made her really uncomfortable talking about her religious beliefs with anyone. She knew that’s what he meant. She didn’t know too many people who were so-called goody-goody, who weren’t religious in her school unless they were super smart, and getting over 4.0’s per semester. She knew she wasn’t the latter. That was obvious, she was barely getting by with a C in American History, and the rest were a mixture of A’s and B’s. She didn’t go around flaunting her intelligence either, except for the recent spectacle Adam just coaxed from her about her debate topic. Anyhow she looked at it, he was trying to uncover the goodness she possessed, and if she let him, she would have to open up about her religion. She cringed at the thought. She preferred to show her religious beliefs by her actions than ever tell anyone that she was a Mormon.
Chapter 1 The Letter
Chapter 1
Three hours earlier
She had just come home at 3:00 that day.
“Hey, Mom, I’m home!” Sophia yelled her habitual greeting.
“How was your day!” yelled back her mom from the laundry room. She could hear the sewing machine humming. Sophia guessed she was probably working on some Halloween costume.
“Fine!” Sophia replied.
“I need you to pick up Annie at 4:00 today!
“Why?”
“I need to run some errands before dinner. I’ll be taking the van, so you’ll need the key to the Escort. Don’t forget, 4:00”
“Ok, I won’t!”
“Oh, by the way, there’s a letter for you in the kitchen.”
Sophia’s heart jumped, as she quickly kicked her shoes off, and threw her backpack down. She found the pile of mail on the kitchen counter. It was a habit for her to look through the mail everyday waiting for the next letter from Jared since he left for college two months ago in August. She noticed an ordinary envelope sticking out between several ads and magazines. It was handwritten and addressed to Sophia Hart, 202 Lincoln Lane Ithaca, NY 14850”.
She rushed over and grabbed the corner of the envelope knocking over the rest of the mail onto the floor. She recognized the handwriting as Jared’s and confirmed her notion by looking at the return address. “Jared Smart, 214 Merrill Hall, Helaman Halls, BYU, Provo, UT 84606.
She squeezed the envelope noting that it wasn’t as thick as past letters. Oh well, she thought, maybe things at school are normalizing, or maybe he’s in the midst of exams. That’s ok, she thought, she just loved holding something that Jared had recently handled, allowing it to help her feel maybe just a few miles closer to him.
Jared was the perfect guy to her: intelligent, aspiring, hardworking, funny, and since last fall, a college freshman. And she loved him; not that needy kind of love, where you take and take and take; but the real stuff, the unconditional kind of love; the kind of love that gives and forgives; the kind of love that stands against time and space. It was the first real love either one of them had experienced. And being with him made her want to be a better person, to be more like him; getting straight A’s through high school like he had, heading for college the fall after her senior year, and setting high standards for herself.
She wanted all of that, but she knew she wasn’t there yet. She had two more years to prove that. She had yet to acquire straight A’s. And this semester was going to be her first, she decided. She felt the need to impress Jared while he was so far away, to provide something extra to keep him thinking about her, amongst all the other serious goals he had in his life. To show him that she was serious in the same ways he was. And at Christmas time she hoped to confidently hold his hand and whisper in his ear that she got a 4.0 that semester.
Her heart beat harder as she carefully tore open the side of the envelope with shaking hands. She stopped, and decided to get comfortable on her bed, before reading, to take in every line he wrote slowly.
Her eight year old sister, Lilly, ran down the hall towards Sophia interrupting those dreams, “Hey ‘sofa’, what’s up?”
“Not much, just checking the mail,” answered Sophia trying to sound nonchalant while continuing down the hall.
“What’s that?” Lilly asked snatching the letter from Sophia’s hands, and carelessly bending the envelope as she tried to read the printed address.
“Hey! You give that back to me,” warned Sophia snatching the letter back and smoothing it between her fingers. “This is private property.”
A small smile formed on Lilly’s lips. “It’s that boyfriend, Jared. He wrote you a letter, huh? What does it say? Tell me!” pleaded Lilly as she tried to grab the envelope again.
Sophia pulled it away quickly and admonished, “Do you know the meaning of the word private? It’s for me to know and you to never find out. And that bad habit of snatching other people’s things is going to catch up to you someday. You better watch out. You don’t want to get your stuff snatched!”
“Nobody takes my stuff. It’s very hidden,” Lilly replied placing her hands on her hips in a very stately manner.
“Well, your brother Grant knows all about your hiding places.” Six year old Grant followed Lilly around like a lost puppy. It was adorable to Sophia, but annoying to Lilly.
“No he doesn’t!”
“Well he told me that you have Mom's old eyeshadow and lipstick hidden in your 'locked' jewelery box,” smirked Sophia. She felt a tad guilty tattling on her brother, but she was in a desperate moment here. And she knew that Lilly would get over it and be best friends with him again in no time.
Lilly’s mouth dropped open and she turned and ran down the hall yelling, “Grant, you little sneak, where are you!”
“Be gentle on him Lilly, he’s smaller than you!” yelled Sophia attempting to recompense the situation.
Finally safely in her room with the door locked, she pulled the yellow and green striped comforter up and fell down onto her bed.
Dear Sophia,
How is life back in Ithaca? Things are great here. I’m taking six classes, two of which are honors classes, and I have never had so much homework in my entire short life. I guess I better get used to it, especially since I am thinking of majoring in microbiology. I am applying for special scholarships from an independent donor for choosing to major in the sciences. GPA’s, ACT and SAT scores have to be pretty high also. On top of that I have to maintain a 4.0 GPA to keep the scholarship. But I think I can do it.
The guys in my hall are pretty cool. There are some partiers including my roommate which is a bummer, so I spend most hours outside of class at the library.
The college marching band is ok, it’s a lot of work though, I probably spend 20 hours a week practicing the mellophone and memorizing the songs and sets. It’s not as fun as high school band was.
I found a part-time custodial job on campus. It pays like eight bucks an hour, but the down side is that it starts at 4:00 am! About the time my roommate hits the sack.
I’ve never felt so much freedom in my life, and I have never been so busy in my life. I could hardly find time to write this letter. I only have ten more minutes before I have to get to bed.
I have midterms coming up next week and then big projects and then finals. I don’t think I will have much time to write in the next few months.
Being so busy and all, I think for now, it would be easier if we just live our own lives. I’m sure you are busy as well, and have made new friends too. You wrote in your last letter that you won’t be able to write as often to me, also. I understand, maybe we should just stop for now. I think it would be easier on both of us. Have a great Junior year.
Best Regards,
Jared Smart
What! Sophia screamed in her mind. She reread the last paragraph.
“We should live our own lives? No time to write me?!” Sophia exclaimed aloud. Did he really just break up with her in a letter? As she reread the letter a third time, the anger grew in her chest.
“I can’t believe it!” she yelled back at the letter. Tears already welled in her green eyes.
“So that’s it?! It’s over because he has no time for even writing a dumb letter once a month?! Oh, and I’ll have a great Junior year, with all my supposed ‘new friends’,” she spluttered as fat tears coursed down her angry cheeks.
What a coward, she thought; he could have at least called her to dump her. Then she could have cried into the phone and he would hear how he would be hurting her. She mentally kicked herself for even mentioning in her own letter that she was very busy in the new school year and didn’t have much time to write. What she really meant was that she would have preferred a phone conversation. But he was a poor student and used only a calling card to call his own home, and she had limited phone usage also. Letter writing was their main form of conversation, along with the occasional email. That too was a barrier, they both had limited computer usage also. He was just so busy!
What could she do now, write an angry letter back? He wasn’t rude in his letter, just formal and unfeeling and cold. Well, she could be cold back too, she wouldn’t even respond, let him worry and stress about her reaction. If she ever saw him again, she would pretend he wasn’t there, let him feel awkward for a change. At this point, she hoped she never saw him again.
She threw the letter down. This was just some silly words on paper. It seemed surreal. Her brain worked hard chiseling the reality of the words into her memory. It was final. He had already decided he was over her. It was obvious in the last two lines. And of course he had to end his letter so formally, after all they had been through together.
From February to August, they were together. That was like years in the adult world of relationships. It was so much more than just a crush. She had really truly loved him.
They actually talked about serious things as opposed to making out like so many other kids did, as seen in the hallways at school. During all band trips, they would sit together on the bus and hold hands, just talking about their goals and aspirations. All their friends thought they were the cutest couple and even teased them about getting married. She was sixteen he was eighteen, so in just a few more years, it wasn’t impossible to imagine.
They were both also of the same religion. He and his mom joined the Mormon church the previous fall and they became acquainted through church activities. Jared began paying more attention to her as her sixteenth birthday approached. She thought it was quite sweet his kind attentions towards her. Little did she know how much he really liked her until Valentines Day, one week after her sixteenth birthday. It was a Saturday morning and the sun shone down on freshly fallen snow. The doorbell rang and her sister Annie announced loudly, “there’s a boy at the door for Sophia!” Curiousity, mixed with a nervous pang jolted her off the couch. Standing at the door was Jared Smart, who appeared to glow from the brightness of the snow.
Would you like…to…um…go on a walk with me today? Jared nervously shifted from one foot to the other.
Ok… let me ask my parents.
They had arrived at a nearby park, blanketed in sparkling snow. Approaching a large bare oak tree Jared paused and pulled something from a large pocket of his coat. A pink rose, slightly crumpled appeared in his gloved hand. Sophia’s heart beat harder, her hands tingled, she inhaled and held it.
“Sophia, will you be my girlfriend?” Jared asked, the pink petals of the rose quivering, his glasses sliding down his nose.
Sophia exhaled and mustered a timid “yes.” The cold air failed to cool her flushing cheeks. Jared hesitantly reached out his gloved hand towards hers, and she offered her gloved hand in return. Gloved hand in gloved hand, they trudged through the snow and brushed off a couple swings to sit down.
They gently swayed in synch, holding hands. Sophia’s heart beat wildly wondering what might happen next. Jared pushed his glasses up and looked her in the eyes.
“I want you to know I will try to be the best boyfriend I can to you, but as you know I am very busy with school. I may not have as much time as we might like to be together, but I will do the best I can.”
“That’s ok,” Sophia’s voice trembled, she was barely getting used to the idea of having a boyfriend.
I want to set up the boundaries up front so there is no miscommunication between us. I hope you don’t mind.
Sophia wondered if he had been in previous relationships that went badly. She couldn’t imagine any previous breakups being his fault. He was too sweet.
I don’t mind.
I usually try to be finished with homework each night by nine o’clock. I can call you after that, until nine thirty. I am free to drive my parent’s car to go on dates on Fridays…” Sophia began to smile. “What?”
Oh, nothing…I guess I’m just pretty new at all this. Sophia kicked some snow with her boot.
Oh, I’m sorry.
Have you had other girlfriends? Sophia asked timidly.
Yeah, but it didn’t work out. A very needy girl.” Sophia hoped she wouldn’t be too needy. “She didn’t have school as a top priority either.” School was a top priority for her. “She had lots of spare time, while I had hardly any. She kind of gave up on me.”
Oh, I’m so sorry.
It’s not your fault. We just had different personality types.
Just not compatible.
That’s right. Jared smiled and studied her face, and something seemed to click between them. Sophia hoped they would be compatible. And she secretly hoped she wouldn’t ever break his heart.
For the next five months, they spent every allowable moment together. His respect for her amazed her at times, and she could hardly believe a young man existed that could treat a girl so well. She learned aoubt the inevitable ups and downs of being ina relatinioship, but ultimately they became best of friends.
She knew that an aspect of their relationship would be coming to a close at the opening of the new school year. Things would change, and she prepared herself all summer long for the day he would kiss her goodbye.
Although they were still together the day Jared left for college, her heart broke anyway. That day she lost part of him. The daily friendship disappeared. Now, in the occasional phone call or letter, would they try to keep up the relationship.
As she lay on her bed looking up at the glow-in-the-dark stars on her ceiling, she realized a part of her remained surprisingly unaffected; the intuitive part somehow knew this break-up letter was coming. She noticed his letters had become increasingly distant and opaque the past month. She sighed and comforted herself with the thought that in many ways she had prepared herself to let go of him the day he left for BYU; Her heart already broke once for him the day he left for school. She wasn’t going to let it break like that again.
She would get over him quickly, she decided. The physical distance between them had already aided in an emotional separation. She decided to bury the remaining pain into the past. It was over. Move on. Sophia sat up with determination, and wiped the last tears from her face. She looked at the clock, and discovered nearly two hours had passed by, almost an hour late picking up her sister Annie from sectional practice.
Three hours later
And that is what got her into this mess, she thought shaking her head, as she folded napkins and placed them under the forks. She glumly dismissed Jared from her thoughts. She filled all seven glasses with water and plopped down in her chair. She so wanted to go hibernate in her room, but she was starving too. She felt sick of her crazy family and her controlling parents.
“Time to eat!” Sophia’s mom, Jane, yelled. Sophia’s youngest siblings, Grant, 6 and Lilly, 8 got up from the floor from playing with a Gameboy and sat down.
“Don’t bump me!” Lilly yelled elbowing Grant. Lilly stared intently down at her game.
“Hey, I didn’t touch you!” Grant said as he tried intently to watch her game.
“Yes you did,” Lilly said.
Annie, 14 whined, “But my show isn’t over yet.”
“It’s ok, you’ll survive. Turn it off and sit up. I don’t slave over the stove for nothing. Lilly, what have I said about the Gameboy at the table?” She eyed Lilly with a knowing glance. Lilly sighed and turned it off, still holding it in her lap.
“It’s my turn next,” said Grant snatching the Gameboy from Lilly.
“Hey! He took my Gameboy!” Lilly said snatching it back. Grant began to wail.
“That’s it. I shouldn’t have allowed your Dad to get that Gameboy for your birthday. Give it here please,” Sophia’s mom said. Lilly relinquished her first and only love since she turned 8. “It has a regular home in my pantry,” her mother said putting it on the pantry’s top shelf. “Lucas, John, come sit up!” Jane said with an edge of frustration.
Sophia could tell her mom was still a little peeved at her, and the guilt pinched her. Her Mom didn’t thank her for setting the table, which her mother normally tried to make a conscious effort to do. Ugh, she justed wanted to escape all the guilt in this room that was pointed at her! She felt she tried very hard to please her parents and keep peace in this family. She made one little mistake and everything was in disarray. She vowed then and there to do much better. She would do everything she could to get her parents to say “You have been very responsible, and we are proud of you.” Though very rarely had she heard those words escape their lips aimed at her, she thought hopelessly. She looked around the table as her family began to settle down. It seemed everyone was grumpy, what with the agitated air and at least three scowls including her own. Everyone just needed to eat.
Sophia’s favorite brother, Lucas 11, emerged from his room from doing homework adjusting his glasses and sat down without a word. He was such a good example to her of diligence. Sophia’s mood lightened a bit.
“So what have you been learning Lukey?” she asked.
“It’s Lucas, Sophie. And I was reading How to Eat Fried Worms.”
“What is that? Is this another twisted idea for your science project or something?”
“No. For your information, it’s a novel.”
“Wow, leisure reading! Your idea of leisure reading is picking up your history or science textbook.”
“True, but my teacher has been reading it out loud to our class, and I wanted to know what happened sooner.”
“It sounds fun and totally gross. Perfect for you!
“Yep!” he said finally allowing a small smile to penetrate his serious face.
Sophia’s dad, John, appeared and met eyes with Sophia. She shifted in her seat uncomfortably. Then he addressed the family.
“I’ve decided tonight we are going to have a family council.” The expected groans emerged. “but it will just be during dinner.” Everyone seemed to think that was acceptable enough as there was no audible response. “You all have homework tonight that you need to be working on this evening that you need to devote time to so we’ll keep it short.” Short to dad was still too long to Sophia.
John said the blessing on the food and then began, “This Saturday we are going to spend the day together as a family and I would like to discuss with you some ideas for things we could do together.” Sophia sighed it seemed everyday was a family day. She knew her actions had added this extra family day to the calendar. She was getting really antsy and wanted to get to her room sooner than later. Sometimes you just want to do your own thing, you know?
Everyone offered ideas between bites of food except Sophia. She knew it didn’t matter where they went, she would still have to go. They finally decided upon attending Annie’s band concert at the middle school and then going to Braum’s for icecream afterwards. John emphasized the importance of supporting one another in their extra-curricular activities.
“And by so doing, we show our love for eachother,” he said, emphasizing the word ‘love.’ John ended by saying “I hope you all will try a little harder to show love towards eachother.” John and Jane exchanged knowing glances. Mom and Dad always had some plan to help us get along with eachother better. It’s what parents do she thought pessimistically.
“Well, I have homework, I’ve gotta get to.” Sophia said as she quickly edged her seat back.
“Yeah me too,” Annie said.
“Ok, get to it, but remember, scripture reading at nine in the living room.”
“Ok dad.” Annie and Sophia said glumly. Hardly a moment’s peace in this house.
Sophia finally escaped to her room and looked over her shoulder to see Annie trailing shortly behind her into her room. Sophia was the only one with her own room. Since she was the oldest she did get that special privilege, thank goodness. Unfortunately Annie shared with eight year old Lilly, and they often struggled with space and bedtimes. Sophia thought of Annie only two years younger than herself and felt a bit guilty, for Sophia had gotten her own room when she was Annie’s age. She really did relish the privacy. Oh, well, when I leave for college in a couple years, she’ll get her own room then, she thought. She shut her door closing that thought.
Finally, she had a chance to think. She decided to forgo practicing her trumpet tonight. She preferred working her thoughts than on her instrument. She fell onto her bed, and grabbed her walkman. She turned on some U2 and let the emotions wash over her. “With or Without You” was the first song, and with the words brought Jared into her mind. She sat up and threw off the headphones. That was not working. Tears were already streaming into her hair as she had lain on her bed.
She leaned over to her nightstand and opened a drawer. Underneath her scriptures lay her journal, but she grabbed the blue, worn, dog eared notebook underneath her journal. She leafed quickly past all the poems she had written last year, most of them were happy, and were in reference to Jared. She shunned those poems now and the emotions they held, which could no longer exist. She mustn’t feel anymore more for him if she were to move on in her life. She finally flipped to a blank page and began a new section.
Love is a hand and heart broken in two
Love that I still have for you
Love that is but must not be
Love that lives unwanted,
unneeded, lingering,
bleeding. . .
Sophia looked up. A little dramatic she thought, but who cares, no ones going to read this but me, and it’s how I feel. She needed personal closure. Each word she wrote was a new stitch on the wound to close it up, painful, but necessary. And she needed to do one more thing that would be as balm on her slowly healing wound.
She snatched the phone from the kitchen and dialed the memorized number.
‘Hello?”
“Hi, Bonnie I need to talk to you.”
Three hours earlier
She had just come home at 3:00 that day.
“Hey, Mom, I’m home!” Sophia yelled her habitual greeting.
“How was your day!” yelled back her mom from the laundry room. She could hear the sewing machine humming. Sophia guessed she was probably working on some Halloween costume.
“Fine!” Sophia replied.
“I need you to pick up Annie at 4:00 today!
“Why?”
“I need to run some errands before dinner. I’ll be taking the van, so you’ll need the key to the Escort. Don’t forget, 4:00”
“Ok, I won’t!”
“Oh, by the way, there’s a letter for you in the kitchen.”
Sophia’s heart jumped, as she quickly kicked her shoes off, and threw her backpack down. She found the pile of mail on the kitchen counter. It was a habit for her to look through the mail everyday waiting for the next letter from Jared since he left for college two months ago in August. She noticed an ordinary envelope sticking out between several ads and magazines. It was handwritten and addressed to Sophia Hart, 202 Lincoln Lane Ithaca, NY 14850”.
She rushed over and grabbed the corner of the envelope knocking over the rest of the mail onto the floor. She recognized the handwriting as Jared’s and confirmed her notion by looking at the return address. “Jared Smart, 214 Merrill Hall, Helaman Halls, BYU, Provo, UT 84606.
She squeezed the envelope noting that it wasn’t as thick as past letters. Oh well, she thought, maybe things at school are normalizing, or maybe he’s in the midst of exams. That’s ok, she thought, she just loved holding something that Jared had recently handled, allowing it to help her feel maybe just a few miles closer to him.
Jared was the perfect guy to her: intelligent, aspiring, hardworking, funny, and since last fall, a college freshman. And she loved him; not that needy kind of love, where you take and take and take; but the real stuff, the unconditional kind of love; the kind of love that gives and forgives; the kind of love that stands against time and space. It was the first real love either one of them had experienced. And being with him made her want to be a better person, to be more like him; getting straight A’s through high school like he had, heading for college the fall after her senior year, and setting high standards for herself.
She wanted all of that, but she knew she wasn’t there yet. She had two more years to prove that. She had yet to acquire straight A’s. And this semester was going to be her first, she decided. She felt the need to impress Jared while he was so far away, to provide something extra to keep him thinking about her, amongst all the other serious goals he had in his life. To show him that she was serious in the same ways he was. And at Christmas time she hoped to confidently hold his hand and whisper in his ear that she got a 4.0 that semester.
Her heart beat harder as she carefully tore open the side of the envelope with shaking hands. She stopped, and decided to get comfortable on her bed, before reading, to take in every line he wrote slowly.
Her eight year old sister, Lilly, ran down the hall towards Sophia interrupting those dreams, “Hey ‘sofa’, what’s up?”
“Not much, just checking the mail,” answered Sophia trying to sound nonchalant while continuing down the hall.
“What’s that?” Lilly asked snatching the letter from Sophia’s hands, and carelessly bending the envelope as she tried to read the printed address.
“Hey! You give that back to me,” warned Sophia snatching the letter back and smoothing it between her fingers. “This is private property.”
A small smile formed on Lilly’s lips. “It’s that boyfriend, Jared. He wrote you a letter, huh? What does it say? Tell me!” pleaded Lilly as she tried to grab the envelope again.
Sophia pulled it away quickly and admonished, “Do you know the meaning of the word private? It’s for me to know and you to never find out. And that bad habit of snatching other people’s things is going to catch up to you someday. You better watch out. You don’t want to get your stuff snatched!”
“Nobody takes my stuff. It’s very hidden,” Lilly replied placing her hands on her hips in a very stately manner.
“Well, your brother Grant knows all about your hiding places.” Six year old Grant followed Lilly around like a lost puppy. It was adorable to Sophia, but annoying to Lilly.
“No he doesn’t!”
“Well he told me that you have Mom's old eyeshadow and lipstick hidden in your 'locked' jewelery box,” smirked Sophia. She felt a tad guilty tattling on her brother, but she was in a desperate moment here. And she knew that Lilly would get over it and be best friends with him again in no time.
Lilly’s mouth dropped open and she turned and ran down the hall yelling, “Grant, you little sneak, where are you!”
“Be gentle on him Lilly, he’s smaller than you!” yelled Sophia attempting to recompense the situation.
Finally safely in her room with the door locked, she pulled the yellow and green striped comforter up and fell down onto her bed.
Dear Sophia,
How is life back in Ithaca? Things are great here. I’m taking six classes, two of which are honors classes, and I have never had so much homework in my entire short life. I guess I better get used to it, especially since I am thinking of majoring in microbiology. I am applying for special scholarships from an independent donor for choosing to major in the sciences. GPA’s, ACT and SAT scores have to be pretty high also. On top of that I have to maintain a 4.0 GPA to keep the scholarship. But I think I can do it.
The guys in my hall are pretty cool. There are some partiers including my roommate which is a bummer, so I spend most hours outside of class at the library.
The college marching band is ok, it’s a lot of work though, I probably spend 20 hours a week practicing the mellophone and memorizing the songs and sets. It’s not as fun as high school band was.
I found a part-time custodial job on campus. It pays like eight bucks an hour, but the down side is that it starts at 4:00 am! About the time my roommate hits the sack.
I’ve never felt so much freedom in my life, and I have never been so busy in my life. I could hardly find time to write this letter. I only have ten more minutes before I have to get to bed.
I have midterms coming up next week and then big projects and then finals. I don’t think I will have much time to write in the next few months.
Being so busy and all, I think for now, it would be easier if we just live our own lives. I’m sure you are busy as well, and have made new friends too. You wrote in your last letter that you won’t be able to write as often to me, also. I understand, maybe we should just stop for now. I think it would be easier on both of us. Have a great Junior year.
Best Regards,
Jared Smart
What! Sophia screamed in her mind. She reread the last paragraph.
“We should live our own lives? No time to write me?!” Sophia exclaimed aloud. Did he really just break up with her in a letter? As she reread the letter a third time, the anger grew in her chest.
“I can’t believe it!” she yelled back at the letter. Tears already welled in her green eyes.
“So that’s it?! It’s over because he has no time for even writing a dumb letter once a month?! Oh, and I’ll have a great Junior year, with all my supposed ‘new friends’,” she spluttered as fat tears coursed down her angry cheeks.
What a coward, she thought; he could have at least called her to dump her. Then she could have cried into the phone and he would hear how he would be hurting her. She mentally kicked herself for even mentioning in her own letter that she was very busy in the new school year and didn’t have much time to write. What she really meant was that she would have preferred a phone conversation. But he was a poor student and used only a calling card to call his own home, and she had limited phone usage also. Letter writing was their main form of conversation, along with the occasional email. That too was a barrier, they both had limited computer usage also. He was just so busy!
What could she do now, write an angry letter back? He wasn’t rude in his letter, just formal and unfeeling and cold. Well, she could be cold back too, she wouldn’t even respond, let him worry and stress about her reaction. If she ever saw him again, she would pretend he wasn’t there, let him feel awkward for a change. At this point, she hoped she never saw him again.
She threw the letter down. This was just some silly words on paper. It seemed surreal. Her brain worked hard chiseling the reality of the words into her memory. It was final. He had already decided he was over her. It was obvious in the last two lines. And of course he had to end his letter so formally, after all they had been through together.
From February to August, they were together. That was like years in the adult world of relationships. It was so much more than just a crush. She had really truly loved him.
They actually talked about serious things as opposed to making out like so many other kids did, as seen in the hallways at school. During all band trips, they would sit together on the bus and hold hands, just talking about their goals and aspirations. All their friends thought they were the cutest couple and even teased them about getting married. She was sixteen he was eighteen, so in just a few more years, it wasn’t impossible to imagine.
They were both also of the same religion. He and his mom joined the Mormon church the previous fall and they became acquainted through church activities. Jared began paying more attention to her as her sixteenth birthday approached. She thought it was quite sweet his kind attentions towards her. Little did she know how much he really liked her until Valentines Day, one week after her sixteenth birthday. It was a Saturday morning and the sun shone down on freshly fallen snow. The doorbell rang and her sister Annie announced loudly, “there’s a boy at the door for Sophia!” Curiousity, mixed with a nervous pang jolted her off the couch. Standing at the door was Jared Smart, who appeared to glow from the brightness of the snow.
Would you like…to…um…go on a walk with me today? Jared nervously shifted from one foot to the other.
Ok… let me ask my parents.
They had arrived at a nearby park, blanketed in sparkling snow. Approaching a large bare oak tree Jared paused and pulled something from a large pocket of his coat. A pink rose, slightly crumpled appeared in his gloved hand. Sophia’s heart beat harder, her hands tingled, she inhaled and held it.
“Sophia, will you be my girlfriend?” Jared asked, the pink petals of the rose quivering, his glasses sliding down his nose.
Sophia exhaled and mustered a timid “yes.” The cold air failed to cool her flushing cheeks. Jared hesitantly reached out his gloved hand towards hers, and she offered her gloved hand in return. Gloved hand in gloved hand, they trudged through the snow and brushed off a couple swings to sit down.
They gently swayed in synch, holding hands. Sophia’s heart beat wildly wondering what might happen next. Jared pushed his glasses up and looked her in the eyes.
“I want you to know I will try to be the best boyfriend I can to you, but as you know I am very busy with school. I may not have as much time as we might like to be together, but I will do the best I can.”
“That’s ok,” Sophia’s voice trembled, she was barely getting used to the idea of having a boyfriend.
I want to set up the boundaries up front so there is no miscommunication between us. I hope you don’t mind.
Sophia wondered if he had been in previous relationships that went badly. She couldn’t imagine any previous breakups being his fault. He was too sweet.
I don’t mind.
I usually try to be finished with homework each night by nine o’clock. I can call you after that, until nine thirty. I am free to drive my parent’s car to go on dates on Fridays…” Sophia began to smile. “What?”
Oh, nothing…I guess I’m just pretty new at all this. Sophia kicked some snow with her boot.
Oh, I’m sorry.
Have you had other girlfriends? Sophia asked timidly.
Yeah, but it didn’t work out. A very needy girl.” Sophia hoped she wouldn’t be too needy. “She didn’t have school as a top priority either.” School was a top priority for her. “She had lots of spare time, while I had hardly any. She kind of gave up on me.”
Oh, I’m so sorry.
It’s not your fault. We just had different personality types.
Just not compatible.
That’s right. Jared smiled and studied her face, and something seemed to click between them. Sophia hoped they would be compatible. And she secretly hoped she wouldn’t ever break his heart.
For the next five months, they spent every allowable moment together. His respect for her amazed her at times, and she could hardly believe a young man existed that could treat a girl so well. She learned aoubt the inevitable ups and downs of being ina relatinioship, but ultimately they became best of friends.
She knew that an aspect of their relationship would be coming to a close at the opening of the new school year. Things would change, and she prepared herself all summer long for the day he would kiss her goodbye.
Although they were still together the day Jared left for college, her heart broke anyway. That day she lost part of him. The daily friendship disappeared. Now, in the occasional phone call or letter, would they try to keep up the relationship.
As she lay on her bed looking up at the glow-in-the-dark stars on her ceiling, she realized a part of her remained surprisingly unaffected; the intuitive part somehow knew this break-up letter was coming. She noticed his letters had become increasingly distant and opaque the past month. She sighed and comforted herself with the thought that in many ways she had prepared herself to let go of him the day he left for BYU; Her heart already broke once for him the day he left for school. She wasn’t going to let it break like that again.
She would get over him quickly, she decided. The physical distance between them had already aided in an emotional separation. She decided to bury the remaining pain into the past. It was over. Move on. Sophia sat up with determination, and wiped the last tears from her face. She looked at the clock, and discovered nearly two hours had passed by, almost an hour late picking up her sister Annie from sectional practice.
Three hours later
And that is what got her into this mess, she thought shaking her head, as she folded napkins and placed them under the forks. She glumly dismissed Jared from her thoughts. She filled all seven glasses with water and plopped down in her chair. She so wanted to go hibernate in her room, but she was starving too. She felt sick of her crazy family and her controlling parents.
“Time to eat!” Sophia’s mom, Jane, yelled. Sophia’s youngest siblings, Grant, 6 and Lilly, 8 got up from the floor from playing with a Gameboy and sat down.
“Don’t bump me!” Lilly yelled elbowing Grant. Lilly stared intently down at her game.
“Hey, I didn’t touch you!” Grant said as he tried intently to watch her game.
“Yes you did,” Lilly said.
Annie, 14 whined, “But my show isn’t over yet.”
“It’s ok, you’ll survive. Turn it off and sit up. I don’t slave over the stove for nothing. Lilly, what have I said about the Gameboy at the table?” She eyed Lilly with a knowing glance. Lilly sighed and turned it off, still holding it in her lap.
“It’s my turn next,” said Grant snatching the Gameboy from Lilly.
“Hey! He took my Gameboy!” Lilly said snatching it back. Grant began to wail.
“That’s it. I shouldn’t have allowed your Dad to get that Gameboy for your birthday. Give it here please,” Sophia’s mom said. Lilly relinquished her first and only love since she turned 8. “It has a regular home in my pantry,” her mother said putting it on the pantry’s top shelf. “Lucas, John, come sit up!” Jane said with an edge of frustration.
Sophia could tell her mom was still a little peeved at her, and the guilt pinched her. Her Mom didn’t thank her for setting the table, which her mother normally tried to make a conscious effort to do. Ugh, she justed wanted to escape all the guilt in this room that was pointed at her! She felt she tried very hard to please her parents and keep peace in this family. She made one little mistake and everything was in disarray. She vowed then and there to do much better. She would do everything she could to get her parents to say “You have been very responsible, and we are proud of you.” Though very rarely had she heard those words escape their lips aimed at her, she thought hopelessly. She looked around the table as her family began to settle down. It seemed everyone was grumpy, what with the agitated air and at least three scowls including her own. Everyone just needed to eat.
Sophia’s favorite brother, Lucas 11, emerged from his room from doing homework adjusting his glasses and sat down without a word. He was such a good example to her of diligence. Sophia’s mood lightened a bit.
“So what have you been learning Lukey?” she asked.
“It’s Lucas, Sophie. And I was reading How to Eat Fried Worms.”
“What is that? Is this another twisted idea for your science project or something?”
“No. For your information, it’s a novel.”
“Wow, leisure reading! Your idea of leisure reading is picking up your history or science textbook.”
“True, but my teacher has been reading it out loud to our class, and I wanted to know what happened sooner.”
“It sounds fun and totally gross. Perfect for you!
“Yep!” he said finally allowing a small smile to penetrate his serious face.
Sophia’s dad, John, appeared and met eyes with Sophia. She shifted in her seat uncomfortably. Then he addressed the family.
“I’ve decided tonight we are going to have a family council.” The expected groans emerged. “but it will just be during dinner.” Everyone seemed to think that was acceptable enough as there was no audible response. “You all have homework tonight that you need to be working on this evening that you need to devote time to so we’ll keep it short.” Short to dad was still too long to Sophia.
John said the blessing on the food and then began, “This Saturday we are going to spend the day together as a family and I would like to discuss with you some ideas for things we could do together.” Sophia sighed it seemed everyday was a family day. She knew her actions had added this extra family day to the calendar. She was getting really antsy and wanted to get to her room sooner than later. Sometimes you just want to do your own thing, you know?
Everyone offered ideas between bites of food except Sophia. She knew it didn’t matter where they went, she would still have to go. They finally decided upon attending Annie’s band concert at the middle school and then going to Braum’s for icecream afterwards. John emphasized the importance of supporting one another in their extra-curricular activities.
“And by so doing, we show our love for eachother,” he said, emphasizing the word ‘love.’ John ended by saying “I hope you all will try a little harder to show love towards eachother.” John and Jane exchanged knowing glances. Mom and Dad always had some plan to help us get along with eachother better. It’s what parents do she thought pessimistically.
“Well, I have homework, I’ve gotta get to.” Sophia said as she quickly edged her seat back.
“Yeah me too,” Annie said.
“Ok, get to it, but remember, scripture reading at nine in the living room.”
“Ok dad.” Annie and Sophia said glumly. Hardly a moment’s peace in this house.
Sophia finally escaped to her room and looked over her shoulder to see Annie trailing shortly behind her into her room. Sophia was the only one with her own room. Since she was the oldest she did get that special privilege, thank goodness. Unfortunately Annie shared with eight year old Lilly, and they often struggled with space and bedtimes. Sophia thought of Annie only two years younger than herself and felt a bit guilty, for Sophia had gotten her own room when she was Annie’s age. She really did relish the privacy. Oh, well, when I leave for college in a couple years, she’ll get her own room then, she thought. She shut her door closing that thought.
Finally, she had a chance to think. She decided to forgo practicing her trumpet tonight. She preferred working her thoughts than on her instrument. She fell onto her bed, and grabbed her walkman. She turned on some U2 and let the emotions wash over her. “With or Without You” was the first song, and with the words brought Jared into her mind. She sat up and threw off the headphones. That was not working. Tears were already streaming into her hair as she had lain on her bed.
She leaned over to her nightstand and opened a drawer. Underneath her scriptures lay her journal, but she grabbed the blue, worn, dog eared notebook underneath her journal. She leafed quickly past all the poems she had written last year, most of them were happy, and were in reference to Jared. She shunned those poems now and the emotions they held, which could no longer exist. She mustn’t feel anymore more for him if she were to move on in her life. She finally flipped to a blank page and began a new section.
Love is a hand and heart broken in two
Love that I still have for you
Love that is but must not be
Love that lives unwanted,
unneeded, lingering,
bleeding. . .
Sophia looked up. A little dramatic she thought, but who cares, no ones going to read this but me, and it’s how I feel. She needed personal closure. Each word she wrote was a new stitch on the wound to close it up, painful, but necessary. And she needed to do one more thing that would be as balm on her slowly healing wound.
She snatched the phone from the kitchen and dialed the memorized number.
‘Hello?”
“Hi, Bonnie I need to talk to you.”
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