Chapter 1 The Letter

Chapter 1
Three hours earlier

She had just come home at 3:00 that day.
“Hey, Mom, I’m home!” Sophia yelled her habitual greeting.
“How was your day!” yelled back her mom from the laundry room. She could hear the sewing machine humming. Sophia guessed she was probably working on some Halloween costume.
“Fine!” Sophia replied.
“I need you to pick up Annie at 4:00 today!
“Why?”
“I need to run some errands before dinner. I’ll be taking the van, so you’ll need the key to the Escort. Don’t forget, 4:00”
“Ok, I won’t!”
“Oh, by the way, there’s a letter for you in the kitchen.”
Sophia’s heart jumped, as she quickly kicked her shoes off, and threw her backpack down. She found the pile of mail on the kitchen counter. It was a habit for her to look through the mail everyday waiting for the next letter from Jared since he left for college two months ago in August. She noticed an ordinary envelope sticking out between several ads and magazines. It was handwritten and addressed to Sophia Hart, 202 Lincoln Lane Ithaca, NY 14850”.
She rushed over and grabbed the corner of the envelope knocking over the rest of the mail onto the floor. She recognized the handwriting as Jared’s and confirmed her notion by looking at the return address. “Jared Smart, 214 Merrill Hall, Helaman Halls, BYU, Provo, UT 84606.
She squeezed the envelope noting that it wasn’t as thick as past letters. Oh well, she thought, maybe things at school are normalizing, or maybe he’s in the midst of exams. That’s ok, she thought, she just loved holding something that Jared had recently handled, allowing it to help her feel maybe just a few miles closer to him.
Jared was the perfect guy to her: intelligent, aspiring, hardworking, funny, and since last fall, a college freshman. And she loved him; not that needy kind of love, where you take and take and take; but the real stuff, the unconditional kind of love; the kind of love that gives and forgives; the kind of love that stands against time and space. It was the first real love either one of them had experienced. And being with him made her want to be a better person, to be more like him; getting straight A’s through high school like he had, heading for college the fall after her senior year, and setting high standards for herself.
She wanted all of that, but she knew she wasn’t there yet. She had two more years to prove that. She had yet to acquire straight A’s. And this semester was going to be her first, she decided. She felt the need to impress Jared while he was so far away, to provide something extra to keep him thinking about her, amongst all the other serious goals he had in his life. To show him that she was serious in the same ways he was. And at Christmas time she hoped to confidently hold his hand and whisper in his ear that she got a 4.0 that semester.

Her heart beat harder as she carefully tore open the side of the envelope with shaking hands. She stopped, and decided to get comfortable on her bed, before reading, to take in every line he wrote slowly.
Her eight year old sister, Lilly, ran down the hall towards Sophia interrupting those dreams, “Hey ‘sofa’, what’s up?”
“Not much, just checking the mail,” answered Sophia trying to sound nonchalant while continuing down the hall.
“What’s that?” Lilly asked snatching the letter from Sophia’s hands, and carelessly bending the envelope as she tried to read the printed address.
“Hey! You give that back to me,” warned Sophia snatching the letter back and smoothing it between her fingers. “This is private property.”
A small smile formed on Lilly’s lips. “It’s that boyfriend, Jared. He wrote you a letter, huh? What does it say? Tell me!” pleaded Lilly as she tried to grab the envelope again.
Sophia pulled it away quickly and admonished, “Do you know the meaning of the word private? It’s for me to know and you to never find out. And that bad habit of snatching other people’s things is going to catch up to you someday. You better watch out. You don’t want to get your stuff snatched!”
“Nobody takes my stuff. It’s very hidden,” Lilly replied placing her hands on her hips in a very stately manner.
“Well, your brother Grant knows all about your hiding places.” Six year old Grant followed Lilly around like a lost puppy. It was adorable to Sophia, but annoying to Lilly.
“No he doesn’t!”
“Well he told me that you have Mom's old eyeshadow and lipstick hidden in your 'locked' jewelery box,” smirked Sophia. She felt a tad guilty tattling on her brother, but she was in a desperate moment here. And she knew that Lilly would get over it and be best friends with him again in no time.
Lilly’s mouth dropped open and she turned and ran down the hall yelling, “Grant, you little sneak, where are you!”
“Be gentle on him Lilly, he’s smaller than you!” yelled Sophia attempting to recompense the situation.
Finally safely in her room with the door locked, she pulled the yellow and green striped comforter up and fell down onto her bed.

Dear Sophia,
How is life back in Ithaca? Things are great here. I’m taking six classes, two of which are honors classes, and I have never had so much homework in my entire short life. I guess I better get used to it, especially since I am thinking of majoring in microbiology. I am applying for special scholarships from an independent donor for choosing to major in the sciences. GPA’s, ACT and SAT scores have to be pretty high also. On top of that I have to maintain a 4.0 GPA to keep the scholarship. But I think I can do it.
The guys in my hall are pretty cool. There are some partiers including my roommate which is a bummer, so I spend most hours outside of class at the library.
The college marching band is ok, it’s a lot of work though, I probably spend 20 hours a week practicing the mellophone and memorizing the songs and sets. It’s not as fun as high school band was.
I found a part-time custodial job on campus. It pays like eight bucks an hour, but the down side is that it starts at 4:00 am! About the time my roommate hits the sack.
I’ve never felt so much freedom in my life, and I have never been so busy in my life. I could hardly find time to write this letter. I only have ten more minutes before I have to get to bed.
I have midterms coming up next week and then big projects and then finals. I don’t think I will have much time to write in the next few months.
Being so busy and all, I think for now, it would be easier if we just live our own lives. I’m sure you are busy as well, and have made new friends too. You wrote in your last letter that you won’t be able to write as often to me, also. I understand, maybe we should just stop for now. I think it would be easier on both of us. Have a great Junior year.
Best Regards,
Jared Smart

What! Sophia screamed in her mind. She reread the last paragraph.
“We should live our own lives? No time to write me?!” Sophia exclaimed aloud. Did he really just break up with her in a letter? As she reread the letter a third time, the anger grew in her chest.
“I can’t believe it!” she yelled back at the letter. Tears already welled in her green eyes.
“So that’s it?! It’s over because he has no time for even writing a dumb letter once a month?! Oh, and I’ll have a great Junior year, with all my supposed ‘new friends’,” she spluttered as fat tears coursed down her angry cheeks.
What a coward, she thought; he could have at least called her to dump her. Then she could have cried into the phone and he would hear how he would be hurting her. She mentally kicked herself for even mentioning in her own letter that she was very busy in the new school year and didn’t have much time to write. What she really meant was that she would have preferred a phone conversation. But he was a poor student and used only a calling card to call his own home, and she had limited phone usage also. Letter writing was their main form of conversation, along with the occasional email. That too was a barrier, they both had limited computer usage also. He was just so busy!
What could she do now, write an angry letter back? He wasn’t rude in his letter, just formal and unfeeling and cold. Well, she could be cold back too, she wouldn’t even respond, let him worry and stress about her reaction. If she ever saw him again, she would pretend he wasn’t there, let him feel awkward for a change. At this point, she hoped she never saw him again.
She threw the letter down. This was just some silly words on paper. It seemed surreal. Her brain worked hard chiseling the reality of the words into her memory. It was final. He had already decided he was over her. It was obvious in the last two lines. And of course he had to end his letter so formally, after all they had been through together.
From February to August, they were together. That was like years in the adult world of relationships. It was so much more than just a crush. She had really truly loved him.
They actually talked about serious things as opposed to making out like so many other kids did, as seen in the hallways at school. During all band trips, they would sit together on the bus and hold hands, just talking about their goals and aspirations. All their friends thought they were the cutest couple and even teased them about getting married. She was sixteen he was eighteen, so in just a few more years, it wasn’t impossible to imagine.
They were both also of the same religion. He and his mom joined the Mormon church the previous fall and they became acquainted through church activities. Jared began paying more attention to her as her sixteenth birthday approached. She thought it was quite sweet his kind attentions towards her. Little did she know how much he really liked her until Valentines Day, one week after her sixteenth birthday. It was a Saturday morning and the sun shone down on freshly fallen snow. The doorbell rang and her sister Annie announced loudly, “there’s a boy at the door for Sophia!” Curiousity, mixed with a nervous pang jolted her off the couch. Standing at the door was Jared Smart, who appeared to glow from the brightness of the snow.
Would you like…to…um…go on a walk with me today? Jared nervously shifted from one foot to the other.
Ok… let me ask my parents.
They had arrived at a nearby park, blanketed in sparkling snow. Approaching a large bare oak tree Jared paused and pulled something from a large pocket of his coat. A pink rose, slightly crumpled appeared in his gloved hand. Sophia’s heart beat harder, her hands tingled, she inhaled and held it.
“Sophia, will you be my girlfriend?” Jared asked, the pink petals of the rose quivering, his glasses sliding down his nose.
Sophia exhaled and mustered a timid “yes.” The cold air failed to cool her flushing cheeks. Jared hesitantly reached out his gloved hand towards hers, and she offered her gloved hand in return. Gloved hand in gloved hand, they trudged through the snow and brushed off a couple swings to sit down.
They gently swayed in synch, holding hands. Sophia’s heart beat wildly wondering what might happen next. Jared pushed his glasses up and looked her in the eyes.
“I want you to know I will try to be the best boyfriend I can to you, but as you know I am very busy with school. I may not have as much time as we might like to be together, but I will do the best I can.”
“That’s ok,” Sophia’s voice trembled, she was barely getting used to the idea of having a boyfriend.
I want to set up the boundaries up front so there is no miscommunication between us. I hope you don’t mind.
Sophia wondered if he had been in previous relationships that went badly. She couldn’t imagine any previous breakups being his fault. He was too sweet.
I don’t mind.
I usually try to be finished with homework each night by nine o’clock. I can call you after that, until nine thirty. I am free to drive my parent’s car to go on dates on Fridays…” Sophia began to smile. “What?”
Oh, nothing…I guess I’m just pretty new at all this. Sophia kicked some snow with her boot.
Oh, I’m sorry.
Have you had other girlfriends? Sophia asked timidly.
Yeah, but it didn’t work out. A very needy girl.” Sophia hoped she wouldn’t be too needy. “She didn’t have school as a top priority either.” School was a top priority for her. “She had lots of spare time, while I had hardly any. She kind of gave up on me.”
Oh, I’m so sorry.
It’s not your fault. We just had different personality types.
Just not compatible.
That’s right. Jared smiled and studied her face, and something seemed to click between them. Sophia hoped they would be compatible. And she secretly hoped she wouldn’t ever break his heart.

For the next five months, they spent every allowable moment together. His respect for her amazed her at times, and she could hardly believe a young man existed that could treat a girl so well. She learned aoubt the inevitable ups and downs of being ina relatinioship, but ultimately they became best of friends.
She knew that an aspect of their relationship would be coming to a close at the opening of the new school year. Things would change, and she prepared herself all summer long for the day he would kiss her goodbye.
Although they were still together the day Jared left for college, her heart broke anyway. That day she lost part of him. The daily friendship disappeared. Now, in the occasional phone call or letter, would they try to keep up the relationship.
As she lay on her bed looking up at the glow-in-the-dark stars on her ceiling, she realized a part of her remained surprisingly unaffected; the intuitive part somehow knew this break-up letter was coming. She noticed his letters had become increasingly distant and opaque the past month. She sighed and comforted herself with the thought that in many ways she had prepared herself to let go of him the day he left for BYU; Her heart already broke once for him the day he left for school. She wasn’t going to let it break like that again.
She would get over him quickly, she decided. The physical distance between them had already aided in an emotional separation. She decided to bury the remaining pain into the past. It was over. Move on. Sophia sat up with determination, and wiped the last tears from her face. She looked at the clock, and discovered nearly two hours had passed by, almost an hour late picking up her sister Annie from sectional practice.

Three hours later
And that is what got her into this mess, she thought shaking her head, as she folded napkins and placed them under the forks. She glumly dismissed Jared from her thoughts. She filled all seven glasses with water and plopped down in her chair. She so wanted to go hibernate in her room, but she was starving too. She felt sick of her crazy family and her controlling parents.
“Time to eat!” Sophia’s mom, Jane, yelled. Sophia’s youngest siblings, Grant, 6 and Lilly, 8 got up from the floor from playing with a Gameboy and sat down.
“Don’t bump me!” Lilly yelled elbowing Grant. Lilly stared intently down at her game.
“Hey, I didn’t touch you!” Grant said as he tried intently to watch her game.
“Yes you did,” Lilly said.
Annie, 14 whined, “But my show isn’t over yet.”
“It’s ok, you’ll survive. Turn it off and sit up. I don’t slave over the stove for nothing. Lilly, what have I said about the Gameboy at the table?” She eyed Lilly with a knowing glance. Lilly sighed and turned it off, still holding it in her lap.
“It’s my turn next,” said Grant snatching the Gameboy from Lilly.
“Hey! He took my Gameboy!” Lilly said snatching it back. Grant began to wail.
“That’s it. I shouldn’t have allowed your Dad to get that Gameboy for your birthday. Give it here please,” Sophia’s mom said. Lilly relinquished her first and only love since she turned 8. “It has a regular home in my pantry,” her mother said putting it on the pantry’s top shelf. “Lucas, John, come sit up!” Jane said with an edge of frustration.
Sophia could tell her mom was still a little peeved at her, and the guilt pinched her. Her Mom didn’t thank her for setting the table, which her mother normally tried to make a conscious effort to do. Ugh, she justed wanted to escape all the guilt in this room that was pointed at her! She felt she tried very hard to please her parents and keep peace in this family. She made one little mistake and everything was in disarray. She vowed then and there to do much better. She would do everything she could to get her parents to say “You have been very responsible, and we are proud of you.” Though very rarely had she heard those words escape their lips aimed at her, she thought hopelessly. She looked around the table as her family began to settle down. It seemed everyone was grumpy, what with the agitated air and at least three scowls including her own. Everyone just needed to eat.
Sophia’s favorite brother, Lucas 11, emerged from his room from doing homework adjusting his glasses and sat down without a word. He was such a good example to her of diligence. Sophia’s mood lightened a bit.
“So what have you been learning Lukey?” she asked.
“It’s Lucas, Sophie. And I was reading How to Eat Fried Worms.”
“What is that? Is this another twisted idea for your science project or something?”
“No. For your information, it’s a novel.”
“Wow, leisure reading! Your idea of leisure reading is picking up your history or science textbook.”
“True, but my teacher has been reading it out loud to our class, and I wanted to know what happened sooner.”
“It sounds fun and totally gross. Perfect for you!
“Yep!” he said finally allowing a small smile to penetrate his serious face.


Sophia’s dad, John, appeared and met eyes with Sophia. She shifted in her seat uncomfortably. Then he addressed the family.
“I’ve decided tonight we are going to have a family council.” The expected groans emerged. “but it will just be during dinner.” Everyone seemed to think that was acceptable enough as there was no audible response. “You all have homework tonight that you need to be working on this evening that you need to devote time to so we’ll keep it short.” Short to dad was still too long to Sophia.
John said the blessing on the food and then began, “This Saturday we are going to spend the day together as a family and I would like to discuss with you some ideas for things we could do together.” Sophia sighed it seemed everyday was a family day. She knew her actions had added this extra family day to the calendar. She was getting really antsy and wanted to get to her room sooner than later. Sometimes you just want to do your own thing, you know?
Everyone offered ideas between bites of food except Sophia. She knew it didn’t matter where they went, she would still have to go. They finally decided upon attending Annie’s band concert at the middle school and then going to Braum’s for icecream afterwards. John emphasized the importance of supporting one another in their extra-curricular activities.
“And by so doing, we show our love for eachother,” he said, emphasizing the word ‘love.’ John ended by saying “I hope you all will try a little harder to show love towards eachother.” John and Jane exchanged knowing glances. Mom and Dad always had some plan to help us get along with eachother better. It’s what parents do she thought pessimistically.
“Well, I have homework, I’ve gotta get to.” Sophia said as she quickly edged her seat back.
“Yeah me too,” Annie said.
“Ok, get to it, but remember, scripture reading at nine in the living room.”
“Ok dad.” Annie and Sophia said glumly. Hardly a moment’s peace in this house.
Sophia finally escaped to her room and looked over her shoulder to see Annie trailing shortly behind her into her room. Sophia was the only one with her own room. Since she was the oldest she did get that special privilege, thank goodness. Unfortunately Annie shared with eight year old Lilly, and they often struggled with space and bedtimes. Sophia thought of Annie only two years younger than herself and felt a bit guilty, for Sophia had gotten her own room when she was Annie’s age. She really did relish the privacy. Oh, well, when I leave for college in a couple years, she’ll get her own room then, she thought. She shut her door closing that thought.
Finally, she had a chance to think. She decided to forgo practicing her trumpet tonight. She preferred working her thoughts than on her instrument. She fell onto her bed, and grabbed her walkman. She turned on some U2 and let the emotions wash over her. “With or Without You” was the first song, and with the words brought Jared into her mind. She sat up and threw off the headphones. That was not working. Tears were already streaming into her hair as she had lain on her bed.
She leaned over to her nightstand and opened a drawer. Underneath her scriptures lay her journal, but she grabbed the blue, worn, dog eared notebook underneath her journal. She leafed quickly past all the poems she had written last year, most of them were happy, and were in reference to Jared. She shunned those poems now and the emotions they held, which could no longer exist. She mustn’t feel anymore more for him if she were to move on in her life. She finally flipped to a blank page and began a new section.

Love is a hand and heart broken in two
Love that I still have for you
Love that is but must not be
Love that lives unwanted,
unneeded, lingering,
bleeding. . .

Sophia looked up. A little dramatic she thought, but who cares, no ones going to read this but me, and it’s how I feel. She needed personal closure. Each word she wrote was a new stitch on the wound to close it up, painful, but necessary. And she needed to do one more thing that would be as balm on her slowly healing wound.
She snatched the phone from the kitchen and dialed the memorized number.
‘Hello?”
“Hi, Bonnie I need to talk to you.”