Chapter 3 Atheist

Chapter 3

Sophia entered late into the seminary room behind her impatient sister Annie Wednesday morning. Through her bleary eyes she read “Welcome to Cemetary” written in chalk across the board. Eight small gravestones had been drawn for each student in class: RIP Josh, RIP Bonnie RIP Annie, RIP Melissa etc. She noticed Sister Ellis wasn’t there yet, which was unusual.
“Who wrote that?” Sophia asked rolling her eyes.
“Melissa and I did it after seminary yesterday,” said Annie smirking.
“I don’t think we’re exactly dead in seminary I think we’re more like zombie’s” Sophia said sitting down next to Bonnie.
““Being dead means not participating in class,” Bonnie said, “and I participate.”
“Yeah, so do I,” interjected Sean, “I make sure I give my one word answers if Sister Lawrence calls on me. Let’s see what could it be this time, read your scriptures, say your prayers, or go to church?”
Bonnie sighed, “There’s more to it than that, Sean. I pity those who just go through the motions.”
“I’m just joking Bonnie. Lighten up.” Sean replied, giving her a big goofy smile and holding it, until she cracked a smile.
Sophia slapped his arm giving up, “You’re relentless Sean.”
Just then, Sister Ellis walked into the room. “Good morning brothers and sisters sorry I’m late,” said Sister Ellis as she bustled in with Josh and his sister Melissa behind her. “And aren’t we a cheerful group this morning,” she smiled hopefully. “And I overheard you already talking about today’s lesson, I’m so proud of you for doing your assigned reading. Uh.” She paused to look at the six now blank faces staring at her. She exhaled, you didn’t do your reading. It’s ok, we’ll keep trying. Never give up! I know as you read your scriptures you will strengthen your testimony and your testimony in turn will protect you as a shield would from the fiery darts of the adversary.”

“Yes Sister Ellis,” they all answered. Sophia felt a guilty pang. She hated it when Sister Ellis spoke about their sins with such loving kindness, it was the surest way to get her to feel the guilt. She admitted to herself that she had neglected her scripture reading lately. Yeah, she did read with her family nearly every night. That was good enough wasn’t it? Plus, she was so tired from having to wake up so early in the morning for seminary, she just crashed into bed each night, hardly conscious long enough to say a quick prayer before falling asleep.
After seminary, Sophia’s sister Annie exclaimed, “Let’s have a party for Halloween!” Sophia knew it was coming, Annie loved planning parties.
“A seminary Halloween party? That’s sounds like loads of fun. Not!” replied Josh.
“No, dummy. A Halloween party at our house, next Saturday, ten days from now. We could have some music and dancing. And plenty of food,” Annie replied.
“Have you talked to Mom and Dad about these plans?” asked Sophia.
“Yes, of course, last night. And they thought it would be safer for us to have a party at our house than somewhere else, and so they agreed.”
“Yeah so they can keep a close eye on us,” Sophia surmised.
“It’ll still be fun,” Annie encouraged.
“That’s true,” Sophia admitted, “It will be fun after Mom and Dad finish holding personal intereviews on all our guests. Remember my sixteenth birthday?” She thought back to her sixteenth birthday party last February. Mom and Dad had chatted with all her friends almost more than she had. At times it could be embarrassing, seeing them try to be “cool” in front of her friends or whatever it was they were trying to do.
“We’ll definitely have to talk about Mom and Dad about that. I’m sure we can come to some sort of agreement. Maybe enforce the no dumb jokes, and no sharing of embarrassing moments.”
“Ask for compromise. Good, sounds like a plan.”
Annie again addressed the seminary class. “So, do you guys want to come?”
“Yeah, as long as I don’t have to do any dancing with boys,” Bonnie replied.
“You’re asking for it Bonnie,” Sophia said under her breath realizing Sean and Josh were in the room.
“I’ll make sure she dances with boys,” said Sean smirking, “count me in,” he added to Annie.
“No you won’t, I will put you in a choke hold if you dare touch me,” said Bonnie threateningly.
“She must really want to dance with boys,” said Josh. “I’m dancing with her first though.” Sean replied in mock seriousness.
“No you’re not. Neither one of you are dancing with me. I can hurt you.”
“But will you hurt us is the real question,” snorted Josh as Sean punched him in the arm in agreement.
Bonnie grabbed Sean and Josh’s ears and pulled. Sophia grabbed Bonnie’s elbow forcing her to release the two boys.
“Ow ow ow!” yelled Sean and Josh rubbing their ears.
Sophia dragged Bonnie towards her parked minivan.
“Hey! What are you doing?!” Bonnie protested.
“I have to talk to you.”
“Yes, but. . .”
“Just calm down.”
“You don’t know what it’s like having them around. They push my buttons like nobody’s business. My common sense disappears and my blood just starts boiling.”
“They bug you because they like seeing you get all flustered. To them, it’s highly amusing.”
“Their amusement at my expense!” Sophia cried.
“Like I said, just blow it off, and they won’t bug you as much.”
“But I’m supposed to let them just tease me and I say nothing?” asked Bonnie breathlessly.
“No, just laugh at them back like you’re smarter than them, like you know something they don’t. Or you could just get really mad again, but I wouldn’t recommend it if you want to stay friends.” Bonnie glared at her. “And I’m not saying you’re friends or anything, but maybe to keep the peace,” Sophia consulted.
“Ok, so I’m supposed to just laugh at them?” Sophia nodded her head. “That’s so weird,” Bonnie exclaimed.
“Believe me, it works. You haven’t seen any boys bugging me lately have you?”
“Yes.”
“Who?” Sophia asked doubtfully.
“Adam Goodwin,” Bonnie said smugly.
“Well, he doesn’t bug me, like the way Sean and Josh bug you. They can’t even take you seriously, whereas Adam can talk seriously with me.” Bonnie looked at Sophia incredulously. Sophia inhaled and spoke louder, “and anyway, I hardly know him. He’s not even a friend. And another thing, that’s not the point. We’re talking about you,” Sophia defended. Bonnie raised her eyebrows and a small smile formed on her lips.
“Now don’t you go teasing me and acting like Josh and Sean!”
“I wasn’t. Honest. I’m just curious that’s all. I’ve just seen him hanging around you a lot lately.”
“Sitting at lunch together a few days in a row is not a lot.”
“I don’t know, I just don’t think he wants to just be your acquaintance for long.”
“Ok, we’re even now, I gave you unwanted advice and then you gave me some.”
“That’s what best friends are for, duh.” And they both laughed.
“Hey I heard my name! What are you saying about me? Eh?” said Sean as he sauntered over. Bonnie gave her a look like, take care of this for me, and she rushed over to her truck.
“Oh, Sean, you crack me up! ” Sophia said slapping her knee sarcastically. “You must be hearing things, but no time to talk now, gotta get to band, you know,” said Sophia locking eyes with Bonnie. “Well, we’ll see yah. Come on Annie,” said Sophia as she jumped into her mini-van and shut the door before Sean could reply.
Sean stood there disgruntled that he had somehow lost an opportunity to tease. Bonnie jumped into her baby blue truck and pulled out of the parking lot, smiling at Sophia in thanks. Annie pulled herself away from her best friend Melissa.
“I’ll call you” Melissa said.
“No I’ll call you at 3:30 and we can start our party planning” said Annie.
“Yes!” they both exclaimed.
“Oh, and let’s discuss if we should do skulls or bats hanging from the chandelier. Think about it!
“I will. I can’t wait!” Melissa said climbing into the car with her brother Josh.
At the end of English class, Sophia found herself thinking about Adam and wondering if she would see him today at lunch. She felt an unexpected thrill as she wondered what their conversation might be about today. What am I thinking, she asked herself. I don’t even know him, and I highly doubt he’s my type anyway.

As she entered the cafeteria and looked toward the designated band area of tables, she didn’t see Adam there. He’s probably not here yet, she thought. Her immediate feeling of disappointment surprised her. Get over it, she thought. She decided to buy her lunch so she got in line. Her mind began zoning out when a voice whispered in her ear, sending chills down her spine.
“Hey, stranger.” Sophia jumped and turned around. It was Adam.
“Why do you keep sneaking up on me like that?
“I’m not trying to sneak up on you. You’re just so lost in thought you didn’t notice me. So what are you thinking about?”
“Nothing. . . I mean, never mind. I didn’t think you normally bought cafeteria lunch. Why are you in line?”
“Just to bug you.”
“Oh thanks”
“No, I thought I’d try their hamburgers today.”
“Yeah they are actually not too bad. I think they make their own hamburger buns. Mickey D’s can’t beat that.”
They both bought their lunch and Adam followed her to the band table where he sat across from her again.
“So why are you sitting at the band table again? I thought you were a floater?”
“I am but I guess I just feel comfortable here,” he said looking into her eyes. Well at least one of us is comfortable, she thought. She breathed a sigh of relief, as she noticed Bonnie coming over.
“Hey Bonnie , come sit by us today.”
“Hey how’s it going? She said sitting down.
“Good”
“I can only stay a few minutes. I’m meeting with my English teacher about my essay.” There was an awkward silence as they all began to eat. And Sophia wondered if Bonnie and Adam would get along.
“So are you going to young women’s tonight? Bonnie asked Sophia between bites of food. “You better, or I’ll be the only one there.”
“Yeah. Of course. I am the Laurel president, I have to be there! Said Sophia, eyeing Adam.
“What’s young womens’?” asked Adam. Sophia dreaded this would happen.
“It’s a church thing. Bonnie and I go to the same church,” said Sophia hesitantly. She was not liking where this conversation was going. And then the questions of religion came.
“So are you like Baptist then?” Adam asked. Bonnie snickered. Sophia waited hoping Bonnie would answer this one.
Bonnie took the lead, “Heck no! . . .we belong to the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints,” she said proudly. At least one of them didn’t shy away from the religious questions.
“Oh. . . Did you say the Church of Christ?”
“No, that’s a different church.”
“Oh, still doesn’t ring a bell.”
“Or you could call us Mormons” interjected Sophia uncomfortably.
Before Adam could ask any weird questions, Bonnie continued, “And no, we don’t grow horns on our heads.” Sophia dropped her face into her hands embarrassingly.
“I thought Mormons couldn’t drive cars or use electricity. You seem pretty normal if you ask me.”
“We try to blend in even if we grow tails that we cut off at the age of 12,” said Bonnie stifling a laugh.
“Ok I get it, you’re not weird,” Adam assured her. Bonnie stopped to look at her watch.
“Well, I gotta go now, we’ll see yah,” said Bonnie as she stuffed two last bites of fries into her mouth and headed out of the cafeteria.
Sophia uncovered her face and replied,“Yeah see yah,” wondering if it was a relief or not to have Bonnie gone.
Sophia really wanted to revert the focus away from herself, and so she asked Adam, “So do you go to church?”
“No, my mom does.”
“Where does she go?”
“She’s Presbyterian.”
“Oh, and you?”
“No, I’m atheist,” he replied understatedly. Sophia didn’t know what to say. “It doesn’t ring a bell to you?” Adam asked.
“Yeah it does. It’s just. . . have you always been atheist?”
“No, I guess when I was little I was what my mom was.
“So what changed?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Oh, sorry.”
“It’s ok. It’s just some bad things happened, and I decided Presbyterianism wasn’t for me, that’s all.”
“But atheist. You don’t even think there’s a God that exists?”
“How could a God exist with so much bad stuff happening in the world?” Adam asked skeptically. Sophia blinked. She had never thought about that before. Yeah, bad stuff was happening all around her, but not towards her. Her life was pretty good, compared to most.
All she could muster was “I don’t know why exactly.”
“If there really is a God, he wouldn’t let such bad stuff happen.”
Sophia looked into Adam’s eyes. His brown eyes seemed almost black to her. A slight crease formed between his dark eyebrows, as if he was concentrating on holding some tangible pain back from his consciousness. She felt a sudden instinct to comfort him, but fear overruled.
Adam looked down caught up in his unknown desperate thoughts. She wondered what could have happened to shake his faith so much to not even believe a God exists. She was too afraid to even explore the possibilities.
She pretended to be interested in her hamburger and bit into it like she had suddenly realized she was starving. She stole glances at Adam who was drowning his fries in ketchup.
Then an epiphany came to her in that instant. He’s searching for something, she thought. He wants answers. I’ve got answers, the Church has answers. She contemplated what she would say next, debating if she should invite him to the next youth activity or to just hand him a pass- along card next time she saw him, and be done with the topic. Then, the bell rang breaking her train of thought, and relieving her of her missionary duties for the day.
Sophia jumped up a little too anxiously and said, “Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Yeah,” Adam replied perfunctorily, not even looking up to say ‘bye’.

The next hour, Sophia sat in her chemistry class, feeling guilty with no explanation. Why was she feeling guilty? She didn’t do anything wrong. Did she accidentally look at Adam weirdly when he told her he was atheist? Was she not sympathetic enough when he gave his brief explanation for his religious affiliation, or rather unaffiliation? Was he mad at her for not giving him an educated answer to his question of why God would let bad things happen to good people? Up till now, he seemed amazed by Sophia and everything that came out of her mouth. Maybe he was disappointed by her now. She felt a bit ashamed. She glanced over Bonnie’s shoulder hoping she had been taking notes. She couldn’t concentrate, especially on chemistry.

That night after dinner, it was Sophia’s turn to help her mother, Jane, with dishes and kitchen cleanup. As she rinsed and loaded glasses and plates into the dishwasher, her mind continued to mull over her conversation with Adam that day. She felt like she needed to do something about it, but she wasn’t sure what. Like she had an itch but couldn’t find where to scratch. Jane noticed Sophia’s unusual silence, as she put food into the refrigerator. She pulled some steel wool from a drawer and began scrubbing off the black on the bottom of a pan.
“No matter how careful I am, how I stir constantly, I can’t seem to keep milk from burning! You would think I would learn not to cook milk at all over the stove. Note to self, only use a can of condensed milk,” Jane decided, half talking to herself.”
“Yeah,” Sophia replied absentmindedly.
“So how was your day?” Jane asked not looking up, but pretending to concentrate only on her scrubbing.
“Fine” Sophia said idly swirling some water in a glass.
“Learn anything new?” the common tongue in cheek question.
“I guess.”
“Like what?” she asked lightly.
“Like how awkward it is to talk about the Church at school.”
“How did. . . that. . . come up?” Jane asked straining as she put more muscle into her scrubbing. Sophia sighed and wondered if she was up to this conversation with her mom. She slowly put a glass into the top rack.
“I have this friend, er, this guy I know was talking to me about religion today,” Sophia began.
“Oh really, was he asking questions about the Church?” Jane asked, intrigued.
“Kind of. It kind of came up as Bonnie and I were talking about young women’s tonight.”
“Did you end up having to tell him about your beliefs?”
“Not much, mostly just clearing up misunderstandings, but didn’t get much further than that. Sophia paused, contemplating her next words, then continued, “the weird thing is I think I was more surprised by our conversation than he was.
Why?
He told me he was atheist. Sophia paused.
“Interesting,” Jane said. Sophia glanced at her mom for a moment. She could see a glisten in her mom’s eyes, hoping to hear all the details. Fortunately Jane wasn’t pressing her for more info, so Sophia continued.
“And he said he couldn’t believe that a God exists who allows bad things to happen, especially to good people. So he’s chosen to not even believe in a higher being at all. He kept asking me how could a God exist with so much bad stuff happening in the world? I didn’t know what to say. I guess it made me feel kind of stupid.”
“No, you are very smart my dear, you just weren’t prepared to answer such a difficult question. .
“I’d never really thought about why bad things happen to good people, and how God allows such bad stuff to happen. In a way I felt lucky to have a great life, but selfish for not even realizing or thinking about why crappy stuff happens to others. How did I get so lucky?”
I think it’s more like you’ve been blessed. Bad things happen for many reasons Soph’.
I know, but why has my life been so good?
Your life hasn’t been all sunshine and roses either. Remember just a year ago when we first moved here? Sophia recalled her first day of tenth grade in a new school.
That was as fun as sitting in a box full of worms.
But you are fine now, I hope.” Jane leaned forward to look in Sophia’s face.
Yeah.
So how did you get through it?
I don’t know, just time I guess.
But you knew it would get better.
Yeah, ‘cause I knew it couldn’t get any worse.
So you had hope that things would get better?
Sure. So what are you getting at?
I’m just saying that you have found a way to be happy amid your trials. It’s called positive attitude, and more specifically, faith, hope, and charity.
I never thought of it like that.
I think you do a pretty good job of keeping a positive attitude, dear. Maybe this boy sees that part of you and wonders how you do it.
Maybe, Sophia sighed, I just don’t know what to say to him. It’s not like I can just tell him to have faith in God. He’s chosen not to.
True, but you can show him how having that faith has made you happier even in the midst of affliction. It could be as simple as showing him the brighter side of things.
I just don’t want to sound trite, though.
You won’t. And he might even appreciate it.
How does that answer his question of why bad things happen to good people?
That’s a tough one to answer to one who has no faith.
I know. I can’t even imagine not believing in God or Jesus Christ. I think I would be just as miserable.
I know what you mean. So that boy is looking to you for an answer. Do you have any ideas?
I’m not sure. My palms start sweating just thinking about what to say. What do you think?
Take it to the Lord
You mean I should pray about it? Sophia scoffed.
Sure!
Sophia rolled her eyes. “Praying about Adam, that’s so weird.”
You never know. But don’t get too worked up over this. Sometimes it’s best to just keep it simple. Maybe start out by inviting Adam to a church activity or something.” Jane glanced at the clock. “Oh, look at the time, we’ve gotta get going,” she said, switching modes and throwing down her towel.
Don’t forget your books, we're working on personal progress tonight . And could you call Annie Sophia? Jane babbled, in an obvious rush, as she went to gather her bags. She was second counselor in teh Young Women's presdiency, which Jane thought convenient for interacting with her teenage daughters.
“Annie! It’s time to go!” yelled Sophia as she walked down the hall. It was almost pointless yelling, it wasn’t like Annie could hear her over her flute practicing anyway.

That night after family scripture study, Sophia escaped to her room to think about her day, about her conversation with Adam, and her mom’s explanations. Now it was up to her to decide what she was willing to do. She plopped onto her unmade bed and stared at her wall calendar.
There was a combined ym/yw activity next Wednesday night. She could invite him to that one, she thought, but then what if he’s uncomfortable about going to something even remotely churchy, and says no? What then? She wasn’t prepared for ‘no’ as an answer right now and she didn’t want to have to be persuasive or pushy, that was just not who she was.
What if she invited him to something non religious to start out with but all her Mormon friends would be there? Yeah, then she could see how well he accepts her friends and their standards. Perfect, she thought, she and Annie would be hosting a party next week, and she could invite Adam to that, with no religious pressure whatsoever. She smiled feeling that her decision had been made.
Then, another thought occurred to her, what would her friends think of him? Would they be friendly to him, or dismiss him as some freak? Maybe if she prepared both sides ahead of time, they could all at least pretend to be friends for one night.
Friends, she thought. Adam wasn’t friends with any of her friends. He wouldn’t know anyone but her. She would feel obligated to entertain him all evening and she hardly even knew him herself. What was she thinking, she sighed and tossed herself back on her bed. She rubbed her eyes. The poor guy has no clue she’s scheming and planning his life for him. Give it up! Sophia exclaimed.
She sat up, remembering what her mother had suggested. “The Holy Ghost could help guide you in your missionary efforts.” Ok, maybe she could slip in a little extra request during her prayers to help her with her missionary efforts. She decided to kneel down and say her prayers and get it over with. Afterward, she opened her eyes. She felt peaceful as she sat back down on her bed.
Friends, she thought again. Just be friends with him. That’s it. Just get to know him and be a good example to him. Well, that’ll be easy, I’m already doing that.
“So, as a friend, I think I will invite Adam to the Halloween party” she said aloud to herself. “Sheesh, I sometimes make things harder than they already are,” she murmured.
Knock knock!
Who is it?
It’s Lucas.
Sophia ran over and opened her door.
Did you say something to me?
“No. I didn’t say anything.” Sophia smiled.
“Yes you did.”
“I did?” she asked covering her mouth.
“Yeah, something about a party.”
Oh. . um, yeah.
Were you talking to someone about it?
No, I was talking out loud to myself. Sophia sheepishly admitted.
Were you planning the Halloween party? Lucas’ eyes lit up.
Yeah! Just deciding on the details, what refreshments to have, who to invite, that sort of stuff.
I get to come don’t I? I am in seventh grade now you know. Old enough for school dances.
Um, sure, just act mature and you’ll be fine, though that hasn’t been too hard for you yet.
Thanks Sophia, Lucas replied grinning and turning to leave but then stopping midstep.
“Oh, and is that normal?”
What?
Talking out loud to yourself.
Oh….Of course! I mean…. at least for me it is. It helps me make decisions. I just talk out loud, in privacy, mind you, and it helps me make sense of things that seem so jumbled in my head.
Hmm, I should try that with my math homework sometime. My math has been much harder this year. Maybe if I read the problems out loud, the answers will come to me.”
You’re funny, Lucas.
What did I do?
“Oh nothing,” Sophia said messing up his hair. “Goodnight.”
“Goodnight,” said Lucas smoothing his hair back down.
Sophia shut the door and whispered, “Next time, I need to talk out loud a little more quietly.”